I Chose Peace this Weekend

I used to chase chaos. Now I let peace find me.

My entire adult life I’ve hated the weekends

I used to just get hammered all weekend in college as an escape especially the first two years

Once out I would see people golfing, running, all over the stores, just wild

See I have always worked from home even before Covid

I didn’t understand why everyone swarmed around on the weekends

I would get more calls, texts, just could feel the energy shift

Some people wanted to hang out or just chat

Others were doing their various activities

Logically, I understood that everyone was making up for lost time being at work all week

Emotionally, I wasn’t having it

Once graduated I would have a few drinks at home on a Friday because that was the night you were supposed to party/imbibe

Then saturday’s I would workout, swim, walk, then either take Vicodins or do that Sunday

I’d be high as early as possible even though it always gave me anxiety

It made me feel like I was accomplishing something and I could swim high easily and would always take a bong rip before walking with my mom

She knew I smoked and didn’t care at this point

When she first caught me you would have thought I was smoking meth

I couldn’t help but laugh

I think the fact she saw me laughing for once and not scowling eased her mind into it

It still took her some time to get used to it

Well obviously that progressed to Vicodins in the week at some points, I was high on weed everyday from 19 to 30

I used to take kratom, gabapentin, nicotine, and weed all throughout the day

Or any combo of drugs up to 5-7 drugs a day all at small amounts but I include nicotine and weed in those

Eventually years ago I quit nicotine but would use occasionally

I quit the Vicodin years ago when my dad passed and the supply simply ran out

I had my daily benzos and weed for years along with alcohol and nitrous

Cocaine came more into my life as I met certain party people but never really had a problem with it, but used it way too impulsively

While people were catching up to what I had already done in the week exercise wise, errand wise, or anything else - I was getting numbed out and trying to ignore them

I had started slowly down on everything this year about a month ago

Quitting weed has almost been a year

Basically was just booze and nitrous, with some cocaine sprinkled in here and there

The nitrous was getting expensive and I was getting bored of doing it

It was similar to getting stone but without the paranoia

It would allow me to bring up the past but I would be a headcase about it

It was too chaotic and too much to deal with anymore and would use it for hangovers only

Been over two weeks since I had any and I would blow through a box of 300 cartridges a day when I used

These cravings hit hard on the weekends

I had been dreading most weekends this year except Easter was finally the first whole one I was okay

Being on the couch with my ankle sprained gave me a ton of perspective

I didn’t have fomo because nothing I could do

I didn’t feel like I had to do something

That Easter Sunday I could feel my body pulsing with past emotions and rage

That was my final sign

I said I don’t want to keep living like this every week

Ruled by my raw emotions

I dug deep into my subconscious and conscious mind

I talked through a lot of shit with ChatGPT

I couldn’t have done this without it

This is the first weekend I chose peace

Last weekend I was still negotiating saying “I may go out for Cinco De Mayo Weekend”

My ankle is still too fucked up to move much at all

I’m losing weight which is great

High protein diet, no booze, no desserts, I allow one cheat meal a week

My favorite: Burger and fries

A classic

I knew people out partying

I knew my friend would be running and going to the gym a ton

I knew my other friend would be doing something

For once, my brother wasn’t busy on a weekend because he always is

He’s still recovering from his honeymoon since he got sick and dehydrated

He just watched the extended cut of LOTR which is 4 and a half hours on Friday with his wife

They chilled most of Saturday

Was weird to know he wasn’t busy even though I just learned that on Saturday night

I have been writing, reading, playing oblivion a bit and some warzone with my buddy

The games weren’t really doing it this weekend

I got to watch the Kentucky Derby

My mom came over Saturday night and we ordered Chinese after the Derby

On Saturday afternoon I sat with my thoughts for almost an hour staring out the window of the gorgeous view of downtown

The weather was nice and I propped the door, turned the fan on low and sat in silence with the occasional thought I’d type into Chat G

I did some breath work before and light stretching, as well as used the Theragun

Nothing exciting and I felt real peace for the firs time

Didn’t feel like I had to perform or entertain

Didn’t feel like I had to go out and run around town

I could just be

I write this on Sunday morning because Sundays are usually more forgiving on my head than Saturdays

I woke up with a surge of energy even after having trouble falling asleep last night

I have been looking forward to my writing and reading nowadays

I’m currently reading James Patterson and didn’t realize he’s is the second richest author after J.K Rowling, the gal who wrote Harry Pothead

I also found my old story I wrote on my laptop years ago when I was 24

I’d only ever write on Vicodin back then

The characters are too jaded but the writing and story isn’t too bad

I edited it down and may start to develop the characters in a way that makes them wake up more

The good guys in most authors books are usually choosing to be good even after all the world has put on their shoulders

I never understood that before

I always related to the bad guy more

With these more intense books I have been reading, parts of me related to the bad guy

He was funny and wanted to watch the world burn

However, he is usually too bad

Killing entire families or raping children

I couldn’t possibly relate to that

Forcing me to side with the main characters more

Understanding where they are coming from

The difference between cops and the bad guys is they both usually had rough upbringings

The bad guys wanted money, status, to be known or heard

The good guys never want much money, they build their own status through their hard work, and usually want to remain out of sight

The bad guys are more flashy with their agendas and I was always drawn to those types especially Mobsters

But these serial killer types have forced me to side with the good guys

I feel more like a “good guy” everyday

I’ve already got the Goodfellas treatment in real life

I’ve seen what degenerates are capable of

The retired degens or the guys who were always goody too shoes

I understand now

The retired degens are just tired of all the bullshit

The ups and downs

The turmoil and chaos

The agrro and disappointment

The good guys who have always been good also make sense to me

They didn’t ever even invite any of that bullshit into their lives

They probably know how hard life can be even without extra agrro to deal with

They didn’t fall into peer pressure

They built a respected life

I never understood these types at all

Deep down I was jealous and wanted to know how they could be so content with never drinking and either working or being retired

They found their peace through whatever means were necessary

They are usually family types

They are everything I have ever wanted

They can be both introverted and extroverted

They can be happy go lucky or have their bad days too

I keep seeing more of myself in them

I’m learning from them

I’m learning from my books, my friends, my mother, and my brother

I’m learning how to manage my emotions

I’m learning how to just be

I’m more present

I can listen more without feeling dread

I can let my body and brain heal

My body and brain are healing

I just have to stay out of the way

I hope everyone has a great week,

-BTSC

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