Women
Sometimes you just want to strangle them
But that’s the hurt boy talking
My dad put me up against a wall one time by my neck
This I don’t remember
But the next part I did
I mouthed off about something sitting in the chair below
He was old dementiated and could barely walk so wtf could he do right?
Well outta no where he moved so fast and put his hand around my neck
Scared the hell outta me and I burst into tears as a full grown adult outta college
What a gd pussy
He apologized right after and I forgave him
But he could be a scary motherfucker when he wanted
I adored him
Wanted to be everything like him
He had such power and control
I put my hands on my ex the same way last year
She had been saying “Let’s have sex” at her grandmas on Saturday night
We were both drunk and I said okay
Then she trauama dumped on me
Not this shit again
Then on Wednesday were going to have a night at home
Date Night with a twist
Make some drinks
Cocktail shaker breaks
Men in Black is on and she hates cockerroaches
As a kid her father would throw them at her and leave her in the garage
I’d strangle him too
And she says I was just like him
Perfect
Anyway, I’m 15 drinks or so in
She said let’s have sex again
Silly cunt couldn’t even have sex at the time without being blacked out
Stop it boy
She’s an angel
So she does the same shit again
And I lose it
I grab her neck not too hard but it scared the shit outta her
I was pretty much blacked out but kinda there
Brown out
Tired of her shit
She went into the kitchen corner and cried
I felt bad but not as bad as when I woke up
I had done what had been done to me
Time for couples therapy
The dread that year was compounding to something I had never thought imaginable
Dislocated shoulder, no more weed, break in at my mom, hurricane, brothers wedding which brought up so much stuff from the past I wanted to kill myself
Couldn’t be there for him fully, which I regret but I know he understands
The Problem Child
The Difficult One were my titles
Maybe everyone else was fucking difficult huh?
Ya I made a lot of trouble
Hurt people hurt people gd nigger
There’s the little boy again
I fight often with myself now
In my head back and forth
Now that the cobwebs have cleared a bit instead of fightging with others I can attack myself in a healthy way
Now that I have peace
Now I don’t like Nietsche that much
I don’t think I’m attacking myself that bad
Right now the feelings aren’t as intense as they may seem here
But there is a half truth in this quote
Much like anything
But I need to do it
When I lived with my parents attack them or brother
Especially my mom and brother
But I liked to make my dad feel bad here and there
Cuz fuck em all right?
lol
I love them all dearly
One time he bought me some sketchers and I was climbing this pole and kept naggin him about these shoes
He was an imbecile in that department my mom knew better as the pro tennis player
He saw it on a Jamie fox ad or some gay shit like that
I kept pushing him, off handed remarks, tried to climb this metal thing at the tennis club
Said you can’t even climb in these shoes
He snapped
Don’t know what he did prolly yelled
And left me in the back of the car while the rest of the fam went into the store
I was put in the car for throwing chips around the Mexican restraunt when I was a kid
This was the 90s and it wasn’t that bad
They could see me from the restaurant
I remember being annoyed at my idiot brother for not being able to do something as usual
So I decided to throw the chips around at my table
My table
Kind of like when I went out and just assumed it was my table
No wonder I excelled in that world
That world was easy to dominate
It was 10x times easier in Colorado as the people there weighed 150lbs soaking wet
Was at this concert one time
Went with the Jew frat in their party bus
Drank a lot
Smoked some
People were drugged out
Hated the music and wanted to be with my frat guys who were at the front
So I shoved my way in
I remember throwing a guy and a girl out of the way
I put my hands in front one on the left and one right
They went flying threw the crowd
I bullied my way up
Twice
And if anyone looked I stared at them like the devil himself
Shit was so bad I was going to ruin everyone elses time
Cuz fuck them is why
And scare the piss outta them
I went right up to a line about 30 people long in front of the water fountain
I wasn’t waiting in that pleb ass shit
Who tf do you think I am?
A faggot
Went right up to the girl drinking water looked at her
She left
I went right in
Some people had a problem
Dagger stare
Losers
No bodies
Listening to this EDM piss ant shit
Nobody did a thing
Ruined my girlfriends and best friend time as I sat in the stands for hours pissed off trying to figure out how to get home
Before uber and far out
If my time is ruined, I ruin everyone elses
It’s fun
Don’t try it
I was back in Texas at A Kendrick Lamar concert
The hicks, spics, and blacks were all there
I knew I had to chill back with my loser friend my middle school
One guy from my high school started doing the same shit
Black people jumped him
What an idiot I thought
You can’t do that here
People actually have some spine and aren’t drugged outta there minds
I was on Molly one time back up in Boulder
Feeling good but I always got aggressive on that shit
Anything that made me happier made me aggressive
Makclemore was playing
Bass was killing
I fucked with people there too
I don’t like large crowds of bug people around me being stupid
I'd shoot them all if it were legal and feel bad about it later
In the moment I don’t give a fuck
Mass shoot them all if it were legal
But I’d feel awful after
Not so much back then
But now
Now that I’m growing into a man
I went to my chiros the other day and had such great interactions with all of them
I wasn’t playing a character
I flirted with the desk gal
I talked with my guy who is having his daughter on Monday
Talked about the future and AI
Said whatever tf I wanted
Even god normie doc to shut up about his retarded soccer leauge
Once I’m myself everything is easy
The girl at the desk I made laugh three times
I said I’m trying not to catch on fire since I walk with a cane. with my bad ankle
She said “what”
I said “You know since I move so fast”
Then said it’s so hot outside I could randomly combust out there
I let her talk between laughs
Said you guys get all the AC down here its hot as hell upstairs
Asked if the liked swimming because I said I can only float like a dead dog
She said she swam for college and coached
I said wow no one likes swimming like that
They just sit around the pools like idiots drinking (didn’t say this part, saw this yesterday)
Trying to connect with a girl who swims and competeively is better
The water lowers your inhibtions and its the summer
Now whether anything comes of it who knows?
IDC as much as I used too
If shits meant to be things go smooth
Can bring it up again
I already said we should swim sometime, she could so me some shit
So I’ll say next time
Still down to swim?
And hand my phone to her and just say put your info in there
I have nothing to lose anymore
I don’t need to save face
I don’t care if she says she can’t give me her number because of work or some stupid shit
I’ll say your killing me out here
Just gonna let me drown in the pool
After all that I started praying for all the homeless people I saw
I said I hope that lady kills her meeting
Let the cars go in front of me and the hobos
Tried to give one money but was too far back so did the peace sign
He kept watching
You see how the man is coming out
I needed nothing
I was benevolent
Old self would’ve said look at these disgusting subhumans
Stupid lady stuck in a 9-5
Hope she chokes
Completely different now
You see me wrestle back and forth with my words
But the man is more in control
It’s about 60/40 right now
Hoping by next year we are close to 90
But I’m winning
The boy is getting his peace
The boy needs it
Time for me to let him rest and acquire his innocent soul before the world tossed him shit
Like everyone else
Use that playfulness with others
With myself
Let hatred flow into these pieces, my podcasting
While I’m with others I play pretty well
Especially in the pool
Some people in there yesterday would have pissed me off to no end last year
My pool
This time they were too totally separate groups
They were fine
One fat girl and her tatted up friend gossiping, talking about edibles
The other guy in his group used to own an Aston Martin
He’s nice but dumbs himself with his group
People do this it’s okay
Nobody was bothering anyone
Wasn’t too busy like on a Saturday especially MDW as I type this
They were drinking Michelob’s though
The worst beer in the world
And Miller lights
The second worst
Not sure why they drink that piss
Are seltzers out?
I don’t know with people
They were talking about the county restaurants around
They would be people who appear on my scene
They would have had no idea how much I know about that scene
It’s like the back of my hand
They think they know
They don’t
They excel are their things
And I mine
That’s okay
I just don’t know if I wanna stay with these types of people
This is one of the nicest rental buildings in all of Houston
And this is the slop they serve to me?
It’s not their fault
Society has dumbed them down with those stupid phones and beers
And weed
My old love
The worst of them all
The most insidious of them all
It tricks everyone into thinking it’s okay since it can’t kill you
Everyone by now knows booze is bad for you
It brings the tribe together
It has its uses
Weed used to do that for me
The weed cultures are still in the dirt while the booze ones took over the world
Booze gives you courage
Weed could give you a boost in a small amount
I’ve done both so many times to test it
They can almost be similar in a way
Booze with a low tolerance is great
Can just have a few
Weed is not quantifiable like that
I’m off everything
I’ll never smoke weed again
I’ll drink a tiny bit after a long while
Right now I’m stabilizing
Tapering off Xanax with Valium
Maybe get one some other head meds
Xanax withdrawal is insane
A devil drug but it made me survive when my throat was closing and I panicked at every meal
7 years been on it
Helped me stay off booze
But need a lighter med now like Valium or back on Gabapentin
My hands shake from the xanax
So does my head
Daily life is much harder than it has to be
It’s embarrassing and difficult
3.0 MG a day
That’s 1 bar and a half of Mexican Xanax a day
Slightly weaker than American
Oh how much my life has changed
Sometimes I miss the chaos
But I get it in this, in war zone, in my podcasting, and I can finally be myself
Have some peace
Quiet
If I need to go to a detox clinic and rehab so be it
I don’t care anymore in the best way
Got docs lined up out the ass soon
They will put me back together in the medical capital of the world
I’m not broken just becoming myself
Then who knows
Maybe I’ll go live where my brother is
He will start having kids
I won’t be a bother and instead of a brother he always wanted
We have grown so close
But he wouldn’t want me to bring this cancer with me
I wouldn’t
My dad’s genes I’m slowing strangling to death
Just like I wanted to do to everyone else
Until next time,
-BTSC