Women

Sometimes you just want to strangle them

But that’s the hurt boy talking

My dad put me up against a wall one time by my neck

This I don’t remember

But the next part I did

I mouthed off about something sitting in the chair below

He was old dementiated and could barely walk so wtf could he do right?

Well outta no where he moved so fast and put his hand around my neck

Scared the hell outta me and I burst into tears as a full grown adult outta college

What a gd pussy

He apologized right after and I forgave him

But he could be a scary motherfucker when he wanted

I adored him

Wanted to be everything like him

He had such power and control

I put my hands on my ex the same way last year

She had been saying “Let’s have sex” at her grandmas on Saturday night

We were both drunk and I said okay

Then she trauama dumped on me

Not this shit again

Then on Wednesday were going to have a night at home

Date Night with a twist

Make some drinks

Cocktail shaker breaks

Men in Black is on and she hates cockerroaches

As a kid her father would throw them at her and leave her in the garage

I’d strangle him too

And she says I was just like him

Perfect

Anyway, I’m 15 drinks or so in

She said let’s have sex again

Silly cunt couldn’t even have sex at the time without being blacked out

Stop it boy

She’s an angel

So she does the same shit again

And I lose it

I grab her neck not too hard but it scared the shit outta her

I was pretty much blacked out but kinda there

Brown out

Tired of her shit

She went into the kitchen corner and cried

I felt bad but not as bad as when I woke up

I had done what had been done to me

Time for couples therapy

The dread that year was compounding to something I had never thought imaginable

Dislocated shoulder, no more weed, break in at my mom, hurricane, brothers wedding which brought up so much stuff from the past I wanted to kill myself

Couldn’t be there for him fully, which I regret but I know he understands

The Problem Child

The Difficult One were my titles

Maybe everyone else was fucking difficult huh?

Ya I made a lot of trouble

Hurt people hurt people gd nigger

There’s the little boy again

I fight often with myself now

In my head back and forth

Now that the cobwebs have cleared a bit instead of fightging with others I can attack myself in a healthy way

Now that I have peace

Now I don’t like Nietsche that much

I don’t think I’m attacking myself that bad

Right now the feelings aren’t as intense as they may seem here

But there is a half truth in this quote

Much like anything

But I need to do it

When I lived with my parents attack them or brother

Especially my mom and brother

But I liked to make my dad feel bad here and there

Cuz fuck em all right?

lol

I love them all dearly

One time he bought me some sketchers and I was climbing this pole and kept naggin him about these shoes

He was an imbecile in that department my mom knew better as the pro tennis player

He saw it on a Jamie fox ad or some gay shit like that

I kept pushing him, off handed remarks, tried to climb this metal thing at the tennis club

Said you can’t even climb in these shoes

He snapped

Don’t know what he did prolly yelled

And left me in the back of the car while the rest of the fam went into the store

I was put in the car for throwing chips around the Mexican restraunt when I was a kid

This was the 90s and it wasn’t that bad

They could see me from the restaurant

I remember being annoyed at my idiot brother for not being able to do something as usual

So I decided to throw the chips around at my table

My table

Kind of like when I went out and just assumed it was my table

No wonder I excelled in that world

That world was easy to dominate

It was 10x times easier in Colorado as the people there weighed 150lbs soaking wet

Was at this concert one time

Went with the Jew frat in their party bus

Drank a lot

Smoked some

People were drugged out

Hated the music and wanted to be with my frat guys who were at the front

So I shoved my way in

I remember throwing a guy and a girl out of the way

I put my hands in front one on the left and one right

They went flying threw the crowd

I bullied my way up

Twice

And if anyone looked I stared at them like the devil himself

Shit was so bad I was going to ruin everyone elses time

Cuz fuck them is why

And scare the piss outta them

I went right up to a line about 30 people long in front of the water fountain

I wasn’t waiting in that pleb ass shit

Who tf do you think I am?

A faggot

Went right up to the girl drinking water looked at her

She left

I went right in

Some people had a problem

Dagger stare

Losers

No bodies

Listening to this EDM piss ant shit

Nobody did a thing

Ruined my girlfriends and best friend time as I sat in the stands for hours pissed off trying to figure out how to get home

Before uber and far out

If my time is ruined, I ruin everyone elses

It’s fun

Don’t try it

I was back in Texas at A Kendrick Lamar concert

The hicks, spics, and blacks were all there

I knew I had to chill back with my loser friend my middle school

One guy from my high school started doing the same shit

Black people jumped him

What an idiot I thought

You can’t do that here

People actually have some spine and aren’t drugged outta there minds

I was on Molly one time back up in Boulder

Feeling good but I always got aggressive on that shit

Anything that made me happier made me aggressive

Makclemore was playing

Bass was killing

I fucked with people there too

I don’t like large crowds of bug people around me being stupid

I'd shoot them all if it were legal and feel bad about it later

In the moment I don’t give a fuck

Mass shoot them all if it were legal

But I’d feel awful after

Not so much back then

But now

Now that I’m growing into a man

I went to my chiros the other day and had such great interactions with all of them

I wasn’t playing a character

I flirted with the desk gal

I talked with my guy who is having his daughter on Monday

Talked about the future and AI

Said whatever tf I wanted

Even god normie doc to shut up about his retarded soccer leauge

Once I’m myself everything is easy

The girl at the desk I made laugh three times

I said I’m trying not to catch on fire since I walk with a cane. with my bad ankle

She said “what”

I said “You know since I move so fast”

Then said it’s so hot outside I could randomly combust out there

I let her talk between laughs

Said you guys get all the AC down here its hot as hell upstairs

Asked if the liked swimming because I said I can only float like a dead dog

She said she swam for college and coached

I said wow no one likes swimming like that

They just sit around the pools like idiots drinking (didn’t say this part, saw this yesterday)

Trying to connect with a girl who swims and competeively is better

The water lowers your inhibtions and its the summer

Now whether anything comes of it who knows?

IDC as much as I used too

If shits meant to be things go smooth

Can bring it up again

I already said we should swim sometime, she could so me some shit

So I’ll say next time

Still down to swim?

And hand my phone to her and just say put your info in there

I have nothing to lose anymore

I don’t need to save face

I don’t care if she says she can’t give me her number because of work or some stupid shit

I’ll say your killing me out here

Just gonna let me drown in the pool

After all that I started praying for all the homeless people I saw

I said I hope that lady kills her meeting

Let the cars go in front of me and the hobos

Tried to give one money but was too far back so did the peace sign

He kept watching

You see how the man is coming out

I needed nothing

I was benevolent

Old self would’ve said look at these disgusting subhumans

Stupid lady stuck in a 9-5

Hope she chokes

Completely different now

You see me wrestle back and forth with my words

But the man is more in control

It’s about 60/40 right now

Hoping by next year we are close to 90

But I’m winning

The boy is getting his peace

The boy needs it

Time for me to let him rest and acquire his innocent soul before the world tossed him shit

Like everyone else

Use that playfulness with others

With myself

Let hatred flow into these pieces, my podcasting

While I’m with others I play pretty well

Especially in the pool

Some people in there yesterday would have pissed me off to no end last year

My pool

This time they were too totally separate groups

They were fine

One fat girl and her tatted up friend gossiping, talking about edibles

The other guy in his group used to own an Aston Martin

He’s nice but dumbs himself with his group

People do this it’s okay

Nobody was bothering anyone

Wasn’t too busy like on a Saturday especially MDW as I type this

They were drinking Michelob’s though

The worst beer in the world

And Miller lights

The second worst

Not sure why they drink that piss

Are seltzers out?

I don’t know with people

They were talking about the county restaurants around

They would be people who appear on my scene

They would have had no idea how much I know about that scene

It’s like the back of my hand

They think they know

They don’t

They excel are their things

And I mine

That’s okay

I just don’t know if I wanna stay with these types of people

This is one of the nicest rental buildings in all of Houston

And this is the slop they serve to me?

It’s not their fault

Society has dumbed them down with those stupid phones and beers

And weed

My old love

The worst of them all

The most insidious of them all

It tricks everyone into thinking it’s okay since it can’t kill you

Everyone by now knows booze is bad for you

It brings the tribe together

It has its uses

Weed used to do that for me

The weed cultures are still in the dirt while the booze ones took over the world

Booze gives you courage

Weed could give you a boost in a small amount

I’ve done both so many times to test it

They can almost be similar in a way

Booze with a low tolerance is great

Can just have a few

Weed is not quantifiable like that

I’m off everything

I’ll never smoke weed again

I’ll drink a tiny bit after a long while

Right now I’m stabilizing

Tapering off Xanax with Valium

Maybe get one some other head meds

Xanax withdrawal is insane

A devil drug but it made me survive when my throat was closing and I panicked at every meal

7 years been on it

Helped me stay off booze

But need a lighter med now like Valium or back on Gabapentin

My hands shake from the xanax

So does my head

Daily life is much harder than it has to be

It’s embarrassing and difficult

3.0 MG a day

That’s 1 bar and a half of Mexican Xanax a day

Slightly weaker than American

Oh how much my life has changed

Sometimes I miss the chaos

But I get it in this, in war zone, in my podcasting, and I can finally be myself

Have some peace

Quiet

If I need to go to a detox clinic and rehab so be it

I don’t care anymore in the best way

Got docs lined up out the ass soon

They will put me back together in the medical capital of the world

I’m not broken just becoming myself

Then who knows

Maybe I’ll go live where my brother is

He will start having kids

I won’t be a bother and instead of a brother he always wanted

We have grown so close

But he wouldn’t want me to bring this cancer with me

I wouldn’t

My dad’s genes I’m slowing strangling to death

Just like I wanted to do to everyone else

Until next time,

-BTSC