When the Grief Doesn’t End—But You Don’t Either

I woke to the sounds of construction and light sobbing

My brain was bargaining with my ex in the dreams

I was sure today was going to be just awful

However, I stood up opened the blinds and all the noise seemed to just recede

I can still hear it but it’s not ringing in my head

I read some Chateau Heartiste while shitting

He talks about game and leans to the red pill

While it’s mostly true some of it is outdated

See I never liked the Red Pill guys much

They never really give game advice as just the facts of female nature and male nature

They constantly go over Alpha vs Beta Males

It’s often right, entertaining, and something to read when you have been doing this a while

Whatever the fuck this is

I’m going to go over the pros and cons to both sides

Yes it is easier to get sex for most people nowadays

The quality will vary a lot however

Yes usually when you live with someone and marry them they sex quality and quantity does go down

You just get used to each other

The trade off is you get to hopefully have kids

Or I don’t know why your getting married

Used to be to combine forces of the families together

That’s rare nowadays

I’ve seen happy single people

I’ve seen happy married people

I’ve seen miserable people on both ends

They say misery loves company

I’d rather solve any of my issues before any serious dating again

Or any real debauchery of any kind

3 weeks since my break up is still to fresh to just go out and get a rebound

I’ve done that before and you don’t feel better

It just showed that I could

I’ve already proven to myself what I could do

Now I need to sacrifice in order to get real results

Staying sober, rehabbing my ankle, swimming, writing, podcasting, reading, planting seeds for future events

In my head everything has just been feeling like it’s over when truly it’s just starting

There are times in the day I feel like giving up completely

But what does that even look like?

Suicide?

I could never

Well never say never but I’d only contemplate that if my family died and I was just like fuck it or wheelchair bound with all of that

I have too much reason to live

Suicide ideation pops in my head

But that’s moreso that I can avoid this pain and go see my father

But I would leave my brother and mother here without me

That would fuck them up

Not to mention suicide is one thing all religions and people agree on

Not a good idea

Grief will have you experiencing everything

I gave up everything so I am grieving a lot

Now some of those I’ll get back as the future goes on

I’m just impatient

I’ve always got things quickly but then it was like now what?

Always rushing the process which is supposed to be the fun part

I’ve never felt any joy from it at all

Thought it was slow, dull, and for dimwits

People who couldn’t cheat the system

I knew one day I would have to pay

I paid most days for it and now I’m cleaning up the mess

Sometimes it feels like nightmare mode

Other times I slow down so much I can’t believe what I’m seeing in colors or people

Yesterday I stared out the window for 30 minutes

I just had to cut off any internal dialogue anytime it appeared

I was allowed to notice things like colors or bugs flying around

I could clean up a bit

I did my red light therapy and half passed out half way through

It was a good exercise

My nervous system is just resetting still

It’s not like the wifi you unplug and plug back in

It takes a long time

I know some of my posts have been intense but I’m just documenting my feelings those days

Otherwise I’ll punish myself or someone else

Better to get them down here and maybe help someone

Since this is mostly coming from a place of grief

Here are the 5 stages of grief:

• Denial – "This isn’t happening."
  A defense mechanism that helps numb the initial shock. It gives you time to process the reality of the loss.

• Anger – "Why is this happening to me?"
  As denial fades, pain surfaces. This anger might be directed at others, the situation, or even oneself.

• Bargaining – "If only I had..."
  You try to regain control or make sense of what happened. This often involves "what if" or "if only" thoughts.

• Depression – "What’s the point?"
  Deep sadness sets in. You may withdraw, feel empty, or lose interest in daily life. This is often the longest phase.

• Acceptance – "It’s going to be okay."
  This doesn’t mean you're ‘over it’—it means you’ve begun to find a way to live with the loss. You integrate it into your life.

These steps are not in order

There are days I feel all of them at different times

Feel like I have been in stages of grief for years because I never processed my other losses from my father to my other ex to my first girl I slept with who died

Seems like when I get over one thing I am hit with the next

I see others in this pattern

I also see people not in grief and this is what I truly envy

I’m also grieving the loss of society

Maybe I’m just addicted to grief at this point or its the only thing I have know over the last 4 years

No wonder I did drugs, drinking, and escapism

It’s awful who would want to feel this way day in and out

I’m just like a slow computer processing all the info on dial up

It just takes forever

I know it won’t be forever

But same days it’s like going to the gym and PRing 500 lbs

I hear guys saying just go work out bro

Lol at that ignorance

Been doing that since 8 while they were in pampers still

I am nursing an ankle and I can swim softly

I can’t even go for a walk

So it’s playing this shit on hard mode

And it’s a good thing overall

But it’s hard to even say that at times

Feels like it never ends

You wonder wow what could I have possibly done in this life or a previous to deserve this?

May as well just go get blown up in Ukraine

At least you just cease to exist

I know others are experiencing this but it doesn’t make it less lonely

Grief is better shared

This is one of the ways I’m doing it

As well as talking to close family and friends

I’m tired of being in a low level of grief to now a high level

The only way out of it is by processing it

No matter how long it takes

Taking care of myself first

Not running, hiding, or distracting

Getting peace

Not hearing about shit I can’t control in years

Because at this stage it’s like who cares about years when days feel like years

I don’t really care how the future looks

I’ll enjoy the tech when I can but if I’m living like this I’ll hate everything no matter what timeline I’m in

If you can’t talk normally about things now and that are relevant

I simply won’t respond anymore

If you try and rile me up over nonsense even if it makes sense

I won’t respond anymore

I don’t owe people things who are chaotic and annoying at best

Just because they may be helping with a taper or have helped me a lot before doesn’t mean I have any bandwith to deal with their alarmness and just projection onto my world

My alone time is golden as well as sharing on a light level right now

In depth shit I can’t handle

I’m working on my boundaries

These people worry about what they can’t control

I’m doing what I can control

And day to day life is tough enough without their extreme mood swings effecting me

I will continue to meet new people IRL and online

Who are either here or just conditional friends

Males have always had a variety of conditional friends while women generally prefer 1-1 relationships

It works better

I have too many unconditional friends right now

I just need people we can talk about light stuff with or familiar stuff with

It’s why I like hosting spaces

It’s why I like playing COD with my brother

I’m reassessing this week who I reach out to and how they effect my mental state and why I allow them too

I’m not cutting anyone off

I’m simply going to be redirecting the convo, not saying shit like how can no one see this?

When they can— people know reality is changing

Just because I have been here for a while doesn’t mean anything

It’s actually nice people are becoming more aware

I can see how they handle things

The proper people don’t let things get to them

They go about their daily lives as if nothing has changed

If they notice they bring it up for a second and move on

It’s simply a talking point

Not a death spiralling point

I’ve done it to feel superior to others

Right now that is the last thing I need

Twitter can be an echo chamber of how they are doing this the right way

They are also obsessed

Not to blame them

Society has always been heading in the wrong direction but how you handle it is up to you

You want to fret and spiral over and over

Run and numb

That’s on you

I want to be here as much as possible

As painful as it may be

I’ve never experienced so much pain at once

It’s nice to be able to unload it

Yesterday after completing something I said “I’m free” over and over again

Doesn’t mean I will feel free all day and night

It was just a turning point

Now I can remember it

I have it logged and written down

I can pull that up when things get tough

I’m building resilience and fortitude now

Something I haven’t had much of at all in my adult life

As I build it I remain somewhat childlike

You wouldn’t bring a newborn on a flight or large gathering

Much less a loud concert

My alone time is just as important as connection with others

I have to make sure I’m not isolating

I usually talk to multiple people a day and see someone in passing or go visit my mother

A lot of my friends don’t live here

A lot are checking out of the nightlife world

It’s just changing

And that’s okay

I’ve always hated change

But it signifies growth

Because as you know

Stagnation is death

Until next time,

-BTSC