What I Needed Was Never More Stimulation—It Was More Safety

I was always chasing something

So desperate for a reaction, attention, a feeling, danger, women, dopamine, and status

I used to rile people up so much that I had to be moved classes in the 3rd grade to the more strict teacher

I actually enjoyed being in both classes but her’s was more challenging so I thrived a bit more doing work instead of riling people up

If there was a challenge I could focus on and I noticed this with my troubled peers as well, then we would all thrive

As soon as any down time appeared we got bored and messed around

The “strict” teacher gave us more work to do but allowed us a little leeway to mess around earlier

Looking back I thought she was one of the tough teachers who didn’t care

But as I write this I realize, she cared

She had a lot of the delinquents in her class and she understood what we needed

Challenge without stimulation then could mess around a bit

If we got too rowdy she would step in but nothing intense

She had a reputation for being strict and some kids and parents didn’t like it

The teachers who seemed more laid back didn’t understand the ADD kids

They were better with a typical child

This third grade teacher I had had before in 1st grade

I believe she used to be a nun

In second I had a normal teacher and messed around a lot

While the other class had a retired nun

She was strict but anytime we had her I had a respect for her

This was my first introduction to respecting authority teachers especially women

I always thought I could get away with anything from any teachers who weren’t observant or in control of their class

I had gone to a Pre K school that was very tough intellectually but we also had lots of activities

Every week it would be different like gymnastics, swimming, and tennis

I don’t remember much except I seemed to always be on what they called the “thinking bench”

I never seemed to have fully left that bench

I was there every week at least if not multiple times a week

I never understood what I did wrong

I would disrupt the class and not get along with other students

One year I won a comically huge lollipop

Like those ones you see in cartoons

We had to find what was wrong inside the classroom

I kept bringing up all sorts of things but they were perfectly fine

I liked this challenge

After many attempts I finally found out what was wrong

I saw a sign on the wall that said the colors each color was

However the green said blue, the red said yellow

I was like I found it in my head

I showed the principal

She said yes this is correct

We had all been running around for a while at least 30 minutes

When I won I couldn’t believe it

For once I was doing something correct and winning a prize

I basked in this for days

The teachers always said in school I was bright but disruptive or didn’t play well with others especially in this Pre K school

However, this school really knew how to deal with me properly especially for the time

I needed exercise and challenge

We all stood when we ate

It was strict but fair

A lot of kids went to that thinking bench

I know I was on it the most

I would run around trying to kiss girls and would love as they glowed up with expression of pretending to not like

I would destroy people’s sand castles in seconds while they worked on them all recess

One time these other bullies decided they were going to bully my brother who was 3 years younger

They put him in a barrel

Only I could bully him and usually that was done at home

I stormed over there and put the leader of the group in this red play barrel and rolled him down a very slight hill

The other two I just yelled at or something

My first time sticking up for him and one of the only times I remember doing so

One time this guy and I decided it was a good idea to punch each other in the stomachs

He hit me hard

I hit him hard back

A third guy wanted in

I put him or the other guy on the ground

As I got older if I ever hit the ground, this rage inside me would explode

It only happened a couple of times

Once in middle school with this kid who passed away a couple of years ago

Once with my roommate in college who was on the wrestling team in high school

I hit the floor and immediately flew into a rage

My gf and another girl were there

I hit a water filter across the room

I flipped a stack of printer paper still in the box as if it was a pencil

I had to go outside where I hyperventilated for an hour or so

Stayed out there for two

I had punched him in the head as well

Until that point I was just the chill guy

Now I had everyones attention

This was the firs time I realized something may be “wrong” with me

I was extremely dominating

But back to Pre K for a bit

That same guy who I punched in the stomach I said let’s go use the bathroom and they could see all the kids so that we didn’t do weird shit

It was 3 toilets on each side

Communal for boys and girls

Wide open

This time we both used the same toilet and he accidentally pissed on me and then I peed all over him

It was the first time I had ever felt an erotic sort of pleasure

I understand those guys in jail

Or like the male dog who humps other male dogs

It’s all about domination

I was always competing and domineering

If I didn’t win I would take the loss way too personally

I excelled in tennis at the indoor courts I played at

I beat everyone

I never lost from ages 3-8

Not once

I’d remember

When I quit and came back at 12

I lost to bozo the clown

Now I was furious

Seemed like I had let down my mom and myself

I didn’t realize I could lose

It’s not like riding a bike

Tennis is much harder than most sports especially since it’s all you

Perfect

More challenge

I practiced like a fiend

The first non point tournament I went to lost in the quarterfinals of the loser round

I cried as I was sure I would win

Both my parents were there

My mom said “It doesn’t matter, there are more tournaments with points where you can go up the ladder”

I said “Really?”

So I signed up for a ZAT tournament which is the first one then Champs, then Superchamps

I forsure thought I wouldn’t do very well after that tournament

So I practiced but didn’t care for the outcome as much

I played the tournament over one weekend

I beat everyone and won the entire thing in my age group

I couldn’t believe it

I was exhausted and played well but I had some tough matches

I noticed when I was doing worse I was in my head way more

My rage would bring me down

I was no John McEnroe who won the more mad he got

I self destructed

My mom and coach would have to pull my head out of my ass

My coach was also my godmother

I used to get so upset at her and any woman authority figure

Typing this is emotional because they helped me the most

The men were always far too logical thinking I could have a robotic serve

The only guy I got along with was a literal legend named Lucho

He was top 25 in the world in his time period

We would play on clay courts and half the time we would sit and chat

He was like a grandfather to me as mine had died when I was 3

He was the only guy tennis player besides his two sons I sorta listened too

One I thought was just always on my ass

The other fed balls and let the better kids play points where we would hit the ball as hard as possible with spin to beat the other side

Two vs two

That was fun and also I played against extremely talented kids

Hitting the tar outta the ball as I was only 12 and they were in high school

They were super champs

I wanted to be a super champ too

I played my next tournament which usually took months to a year to get into with points

But since I had won mine I went into Champs immediately

I never got to be a super champ

I lost second or third round

The Champs division had a lot of kids who would simply push the ball back and not hit the ball

I saw this in the Pros recently last month in person

The guy won the whole tournament

I was pissed as this brought up past memories

Most of this shit I try to repress or talk about sometimes

I don’t think anyone realized how much all of this effected me

I had gone in my formative years from 3-8 never losing

To my then self of the ages to 12-16 beating some good players to losing to only people way better and older than me

I thought I would walk into Champs and dominate like I had Zats

I had an outcome dependent attitude on it

When I lost, and never made it to Super champs

I gave up

I played high school and would try a bit

But I couldn’t wait to play on Fridays with Lucho who understood me more than anyone ever seemingly did

These two bozos weren’t even tennis players let alone coaches in high school

I hated them

One would just say wack the ball

What a retard

I wanted to wack him

I said “You wack the ball”

I beat people in challenge matches and they didn’t move me up

They did not like me

I had to play 3rd doubles most of the time

I hated doubles it made me play with some other hack who thought he was great

I grew up playing with only pros who had been on the pros tour

Of course I had a complex but I was also way better

I should have been playing number 2 most of the time and even number 1

But I would self destruct when I did most of the time

One time I got to play indoors like when I did growing up

I had a huge audience watching me as the other guys stared finishing up their matches(Just like when I was young and at the same club Gladys Knight and the Pips were watching me play)

I won in the third set tiebreak and finally felt like I belonged

Everyone was cheering especially the number 1 who I didn’t like that much but was also a troubled guy

I quit playing entirely shortly after in my sophomore year

I’ve always felt like I had to perform to get recognition

I would never be enough by simply just being

Being present and still meant I was losing and a loser

The past few weeks I’ve been forced to be still recovering from a bad ankle sprain

I’ve been creating and connecting as much as possible

I realized I needed to feel comfortable in my own body and mind

To feel safe

It’s okay to heal and feel

This is the most present I’ve ever been in my life

The calmest, the most content, dare I say the happiest

I don’t have any women around

I’m not chasing clout or status

I’m not chasing money

I’m not chasing recognition or validation

I’m finally living in peace

My nervous system is catching up

My brain has more clarity

I’m living with a deeper purpose

I don’t spiral

I don’t self destruct

There are tough times

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done

I’m not only healing my ankle

But the inner boy who never felt like he belonged

I’m giving him the peace so that I can mature into a man

Somedays it feels weird as fuck

I’ve always wanted this peace

But didn’t think I could have it without constant chaos

For once I’m not self destructing, numbing or distracting

I’m not chasing women or likes

This time I choose what I always wanted

This time I choose peace

Until next time,

-BTSC

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