What I Needed Was Never More Stimulation—It Was More Safety
I was always chasing something
So desperate for a reaction, attention, a feeling, danger, women, dopamine, and status
I used to rile people up so much that I had to be moved classes in the 3rd grade to the more strict teacher
I actually enjoyed being in both classes but her’s was more challenging so I thrived a bit more doing work instead of riling people up
If there was a challenge I could focus on and I noticed this with my troubled peers as well, then we would all thrive
As soon as any down time appeared we got bored and messed around
The “strict” teacher gave us more work to do but allowed us a little leeway to mess around earlier
Looking back I thought she was one of the tough teachers who didn’t care
But as I write this I realize, she cared
She had a lot of the delinquents in her class and she understood what we needed
Challenge without stimulation then could mess around a bit
If we got too rowdy she would step in but nothing intense
She had a reputation for being strict and some kids and parents didn’t like it
The teachers who seemed more laid back didn’t understand the ADD kids
They were better with a typical child
This third grade teacher I had had before in 1st grade
I believe she used to be a nun
In second I had a normal teacher and messed around a lot
While the other class had a retired nun
She was strict but anytime we had her I had a respect for her
This was my first introduction to respecting authority teachers especially women
I always thought I could get away with anything from any teachers who weren’t observant or in control of their class
I had gone to a Pre K school that was very tough intellectually but we also had lots of activities
Every week it would be different like gymnastics, swimming, and tennis
I don’t remember much except I seemed to always be on what they called the “thinking bench”
I never seemed to have fully left that bench
I was there every week at least if not multiple times a week
I never understood what I did wrong
I would disrupt the class and not get along with other students
One year I won a comically huge lollipop
Like those ones you see in cartoons
We had to find what was wrong inside the classroom
I kept bringing up all sorts of things but they were perfectly fine
I liked this challenge
After many attempts I finally found out what was wrong
I saw a sign on the wall that said the colors each color was
However the green said blue, the red said yellow
I was like I found it in my head
I showed the principal
She said yes this is correct
We had all been running around for a while at least 30 minutes
When I won I couldn’t believe it
For once I was doing something correct and winning a prize
I basked in this for days
The teachers always said in school I was bright but disruptive or didn’t play well with others especially in this Pre K school
However, this school really knew how to deal with me properly especially for the time
I needed exercise and challenge
We all stood when we ate
It was strict but fair
A lot of kids went to that thinking bench
I know I was on it the most
I would run around trying to kiss girls and would love as they glowed up with expression of pretending to not like
I would destroy people’s sand castles in seconds while they worked on them all recess
One time these other bullies decided they were going to bully my brother who was 3 years younger
They put him in a barrel
Only I could bully him and usually that was done at home
I stormed over there and put the leader of the group in this red play barrel and rolled him down a very slight hill
The other two I just yelled at or something
My first time sticking up for him and one of the only times I remember doing so
One time this guy and I decided it was a good idea to punch each other in the stomachs
He hit me hard
I hit him hard back
A third guy wanted in
I put him or the other guy on the ground
As I got older if I ever hit the ground, this rage inside me would explode
It only happened a couple of times
Once in middle school with this kid who passed away a couple of years ago
Once with my roommate in college who was on the wrestling team in high school
I hit the floor and immediately flew into a rage
My gf and another girl were there
I hit a water filter across the room
I flipped a stack of printer paper still in the box as if it was a pencil
I had to go outside where I hyperventilated for an hour or so
Stayed out there for two
I had punched him in the head as well
Until that point I was just the chill guy
Now I had everyones attention
This was the firs time I realized something may be “wrong” with me
I was extremely dominating
But back to Pre K for a bit
That same guy who I punched in the stomach I said let’s go use the bathroom and they could see all the kids so that we didn’t do weird shit
It was 3 toilets on each side
Communal for boys and girls
Wide open
This time we both used the same toilet and he accidentally pissed on me and then I peed all over him
It was the first time I had ever felt an erotic sort of pleasure
I understand those guys in jail
Or like the male dog who humps other male dogs
It’s all about domination
I was always competing and domineering
If I didn’t win I would take the loss way too personally
I excelled in tennis at the indoor courts I played at
I beat everyone
I never lost from ages 3-8
Not once
I’d remember
When I quit and came back at 12
I lost to bozo the clown
Now I was furious
Seemed like I had let down my mom and myself
I didn’t realize I could lose
It’s not like riding a bike
Tennis is much harder than most sports especially since it’s all you
Perfect
More challenge
I practiced like a fiend
The first non point tournament I went to lost in the quarterfinals of the loser round
I cried as I was sure I would win
Both my parents were there
My mom said “It doesn’t matter, there are more tournaments with points where you can go up the ladder”
I said “Really?”
So I signed up for a ZAT tournament which is the first one then Champs, then Superchamps
I forsure thought I wouldn’t do very well after that tournament
So I practiced but didn’t care for the outcome as much
I played the tournament over one weekend
I beat everyone and won the entire thing in my age group
I couldn’t believe it
I was exhausted and played well but I had some tough matches
I noticed when I was doing worse I was in my head way more
My rage would bring me down
I was no John McEnroe who won the more mad he got
I self destructed
My mom and coach would have to pull my head out of my ass
My coach was also my godmother
I used to get so upset at her and any woman authority figure
Typing this is emotional because they helped me the most
The men were always far too logical thinking I could have a robotic serve
The only guy I got along with was a literal legend named Lucho
He was top 25 in the world in his time period
We would play on clay courts and half the time we would sit and chat
He was like a grandfather to me as mine had died when I was 3
He was the only guy tennis player besides his two sons I sorta listened too
One I thought was just always on my ass
The other fed balls and let the better kids play points where we would hit the ball as hard as possible with spin to beat the other side
Two vs two
That was fun and also I played against extremely talented kids
Hitting the tar outta the ball as I was only 12 and they were in high school
They were super champs
I wanted to be a super champ too
I played my next tournament which usually took months to a year to get into with points
But since I had won mine I went into Champs immediately
I never got to be a super champ
I lost second or third round
The Champs division had a lot of kids who would simply push the ball back and not hit the ball
I saw this in the Pros recently last month in person
The guy won the whole tournament
I was pissed as this brought up past memories
Most of this shit I try to repress or talk about sometimes
I don’t think anyone realized how much all of this effected me
I had gone in my formative years from 3-8 never losing
To my then self of the ages to 12-16 beating some good players to losing to only people way better and older than me
I thought I would walk into Champs and dominate like I had Zats
I had an outcome dependent attitude on it
When I lost, and never made it to Super champs
I gave up
I played high school and would try a bit
But I couldn’t wait to play on Fridays with Lucho who understood me more than anyone ever seemingly did
These two bozos weren’t even tennis players let alone coaches in high school
I hated them
One would just say wack the ball
What a retard
I wanted to wack him
I said “You wack the ball”
I beat people in challenge matches and they didn’t move me up
They did not like me
I had to play 3rd doubles most of the time
I hated doubles it made me play with some other hack who thought he was great
I grew up playing with only pros who had been on the pros tour
Of course I had a complex but I was also way better
I should have been playing number 2 most of the time and even number 1
But I would self destruct when I did most of the time
One time I got to play indoors like when I did growing up
I had a huge audience watching me as the other guys stared finishing up their matches(Just like when I was young and at the same club Gladys Knight and the Pips were watching me play)
I won in the third set tiebreak and finally felt like I belonged
Everyone was cheering especially the number 1 who I didn’t like that much but was also a troubled guy
I quit playing entirely shortly after in my sophomore year
I’ve always felt like I had to perform to get recognition
I would never be enough by simply just being
Being present and still meant I was losing and a loser
The past few weeks I’ve been forced to be still recovering from a bad ankle sprain
I’ve been creating and connecting as much as possible
I realized I needed to feel comfortable in my own body and mind
To feel safe
It’s okay to heal and feel
This is the most present I’ve ever been in my life
The calmest, the most content, dare I say the happiest
I don’t have any women around
I’m not chasing clout or status
I’m not chasing money
I’m not chasing recognition or validation
I’m finally living in peace
My nervous system is catching up
My brain has more clarity
I’m living with a deeper purpose
I don’t spiral
I don’t self destruct
There are tough times
This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done
I’m not only healing my ankle
But the inner boy who never felt like he belonged
I’m giving him the peace so that I can mature into a man
Somedays it feels weird as fuck
I’ve always wanted this peace
But didn’t think I could have it without constant chaos
For once I’m not self destructing, numbing or distracting
I’m not chasing women or likes
This time I choose what I always wanted
This time I choose peace
Until next time,
-BTSC
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