The Old Me Would’ve Blown Up This Life by Now

I woke up pretty pissed off

Frustrated

I have everything I could want and it’s still not enough

It’ll never be in some ways

I’m grateful but it’s just a tedious life we live

One day I want non stop action

The next day I want peace

Never get what I want

Only what I deserve

I always thought I deserved it all

It costs to be the boss ain’t a damn thing free

I never blame myself for always wanting to get high

There was this song I get high because what tf is there better to do?

Now there is a half truth to that

The problem was I was getting bored with getting high

Or feeling like a loser

It’s too bad in some ways

Being alone high sucks ass

I saw people travelling, getting married, having kids

Like why tf would you wanna do those things?

Deal with the slimes at the airports?

Well sometimes you have to to go see loved ones or you will miss out on lots of family time

Something I enjoy

I just thought that would be with my dad’s side and maybe my family

But that’s not happening and his side is riddled with mental health issues

My aunt is going to visit my brothers family for July 4th which was somewhat shocking

I’m in and out of doctors appointments until further notice

The fucks have to put me back together again

Benzo taper is going better than expected

Ankle is healing better than I thought it would

My ego is just more out today

The part who wants to be better than everybody else

The one who has all the power

With power comes great responsibility

The illusion of power would be great but I can’t fool myself

That’s mainly what I have been doing these years

Ostracizing people, thinking I’m better than them, controlling when I could

Now it’s like fuck that but then it’s an ego death and I get mad because I think I’m losing power

When I’ve never been more powerful as I’m finally in charge of myself for once

Didn’t listen to the men because wtf do they know right?

Bunch of simps nowadays

I was king simp

Now I’m getting the men together

Ex army, ex players, whoever it doesn’t matter

A group of conditional friends

It reminds me of the summer before college where I started swimming, working out more, and eating less in order to get into the best shape possible

This is a different version of that

I didn’t see real results for months but when they came, it flooded

When it rains, it pours

See I hadn’t even gotten my dick sucked yet

So wtf did I know?

Now I just have the experience

And I’m not high as a kite

There won’t be randoms hanging around my place like frogs on a log

I have boundaries

If I like you

Your in

If I don’t your out

You got to bring something to the table

Even friendly camaraderie works

Back then I just fell into everything as it unfolded

I almost got wrapped up in the first girl’s world I slept with

If I hadn’t gotten a call from the frat I joined

I may not be writing this right now

I had planned to rush in Spring but who knows what that would have done to my time line

Because I had a huge circle of friends a lots of options with women so I was good

Then I realized dorm life wasn’t lasting forever

People moved out after freshman year

Most of the other people didn’t seem to get this

They became utterly lost

I knew I had to join something bigger than me

The fraternity was there

It was simple like the dorms

Now it’s just a bit slower living

I’m 13 years older

I get great sleep every night

I eat well everyday

I exercise as my ankle permits mostly swimming some dancing around the apartment and light weights

My BP is way down

I rarely have a headache unless I’m processing trauma bullshit

Now I’m just more spoiled

I’ve had countless sexathons all day and night for days on end, dick bleeding by the end

I’ve done heroin and so many pills like they were tic tacs

I’ve smoked like a chimney

Pure hedonism

So ya this seems gd boring tbh

Writing reading swimming

Feels like a version of high class jail

Most people would kill for this life though

I know that

They just haven’t felt the way I have

The power of two girls at once

The rush and warmth of the heroin

The complete domination of men at the frat

My intense wrath domineering anyone around me if I so pleased

They play by the rules

In some ways that’s great

They built a good clean life

But in some ways it’s stale asf

To not have the taste of the finest human pleasures near daily

I almost envy them

They fall into someone else’s prison

I at least built my own

I can come and go as I please

The problem is there are not too many people here

It’s solitary confinement

Even when I’m around others it’s like but have you felt this way?

Some have in spirts maybe took one first class flight

I only flew first class

It’s why I refuse to go private

I need to humble myself down

Need to drive a golf cart of some shit

I don’t even drive much and own a Volvo S90

It’s like a fast limo

But I blend in and don’t have to worry about it

What tf is a ferrari going to do for me?

Cause me motherfucking headaches is what

I don’t need headaches

I need simple

Instead of me joining the frat

People can join my movement

Or not

It’ll be slow

Building takes a long time

Sacrifice is worth it

But when your used to waking up and blasting dopamine as fast as possible

Banging girls when others are at work

You develop a dopamine tolerance and a superiority complex

Which is just an inferiority complex in disguise

I know all of this shit logically

As much as I want my brother here I couldn’t grow the way I wanted

It’s like studying for a test no one else is taking or few people

You have to study alone

Hated being alone unless I could get drugs

Until those stopped working

Now I’m getting used to it

I may get more selfish in some ways

Also less in others

The concha and drugs aren’t going to tell me what to do anymore

That’s all I know

I’ll decide what to do

If I don’t like something in the middle

They can be serving dinner

I can politely excuse myself saying I have a stomach ache and am leaving

That way not to hurt others feelings

Didn’t used to give af about their feelings

Or did I?

Wouldn’t put myself in those situations if I thought it would piss me off

Which was 90% of situations

Now if I’m doing something and the vibe is off from family dinner to whatever else

I just dismiss myself instead of trying to control others or getting pissed off

The power and control I have is over myself

Also a reason I hate travelling

Everything seems to go wrong

But it’s how I respond to it or plan it

Uber black

First class only

Flight delayed maybe hit the lounge

I don’t no I don’t I give af

I hardly travel

Been to the places I wanted

When you grew up like I did it doesn’t matter

Aspen, London, Capetown

Only liked Aspen

Liked Capetown too but was way too far away

They used to have the concord and could travel from NYC to London in a 3 hours way back in the 70s

Now it’s like slow ass express

And I’m in a rush because I hate the plane with the demons on board

Can’t move around am stuck in a chair way up in the sky

It’s horrible

Until they improve it or flying cars or some shit

I’m not going often

I can see myself doing it in 10 years when it’s easier

So then I can see other places in the world

If I get bored in 5 minutes I can bounce

When we get to teleport one day

That will be even better

Visiting places via the metaverse would be awesome too

The tech is already here

They just can’t release it for liability reasons

Like the concord just exploded

It’s like oh well

But you know bureaucracy

Pretends to care about the people but they don’t want a lawsuit to lose money

It’s all about money

I’m surprised God hasn’t bombed us by know

There must be a greater plan

This is our digital WW3 right now

Been off Twitter and feel great

That apps sucks and everyones stupid ass opinions

Never liked it but saw an opportunity to grow

I’ve taken a few things from it but mostly it’s just noise

IDGAF about your pissant workouts, your 10 kids on the homestead, we are heading for the future not some shithead of a past

All the schizos scared about everything is lame asf

Wow so you all woke up and took it horribly

Welcome to the gd club

I’ve been waiting

Feels less lonely but less powerful

People see behind the curtain

I’d only do a homestead if it was fully teched out

I’m not milking some cow and collecting eggs

It’s 100 degrees outside

It’s not 1803

The servants do that

We all have more servants than ever

We are all kings now

Not as much fun as being the one of the few kings

But it allows people to reach this level of platitude

It interrupts my free thinking

But that’s my own fault

Boundaries for the ones just waking up

Welcome to the good life

You can do whatever you like here

Proceed with caution as that is as dangerous at times as being told exactly what to do

Because what I really want to do it heroin and fuck 10 girls at the same damn time

But what will that do?

Absolutely nothing

Until next time,

-BTSC