The Hardest Part

I hear the first 2-3 months of moving into a new identity is the hardest part

The novelty has worn off so to speak

I had my ideal day yesterday

Writing in the morning, an hour long podcast, a swim by myself but other pretty women were around

Even had June taxes to pay

That process pissed me off for like 20 mins but my anger comes and goes

It’s mostly irritation now and is never full blown rage

My ex could only really get me there

I’ve already made my amends with the past

My exes, parents, schools, etc

So now it’s like a limbo so to speak

A purgatory

Hell to my old self

Heaven to my new

After the taxes I played Warzone with my brother for 2 hours

We did exceptionally well

My only form of competition since I’m just too injured to do any other types

It is what it is

I have to play with the cards I’m dealt

X has been pissing me off so I blast of a tweet saying that

Why even be on there if you aren’t connecting with others or making money?

So I loaded up a space and a usual friend joined in

He’s moving to Dallas under my advice

It’s going to be interesting watching him grow there

He only had that option or po dunk ville so it was an easy pick

I encouraged a client of mine to move there and he’s done so well for himself he’s bored of that scene in a year

He’s thinking of going to Austin

That’s the goal

See the scene and bounce

Don’t need to move persay just remove yourself from that scene

Engage in other activities such as this

But it’s your life

You will know if you need to move

I’m in the exact spot I need to be

Sometimes I just want to burn it all down

I don’t crave the drugs anymore

But I crave an escape or hurting others

So use all the drugs and then burn the building down I live in just for the lols

But besides jail I would actually feel so bad I’d off myself

I’d never act on those urges

I just rarely hear others talk about it

My old mind is looking for a reason to self destruct

My new one is looking for more days like yesterday and to build something out of it

I ended up going to my mom’s and cooking us beef, rice, and broccoli

We watched a Laurel and Hardy as well as had a good chat

Kind of just felt down while watching like this is it?

Then went back to my place, talked shit out with Chat G and messaged a couple of girls on IG

Got rejected by one outright

It’s like ok why do you follow me you dumb cunt?

Girls are fickle creatures

Heartiste calls them Vile

I know they are good and bad just like everybody else

I always like them at first until I get to know them too well

I don’t really want to get close to a girl again unless she can meet me here

Even my old shrink said to both my ex and I that we would never have a normal relationship with the opposite sex if we kept our wounds with us

Right now is the time to heal the wounds

Time + action + sacrifice

Whoever meets me here male or female is just a bonus

Not for my entertainment or to entertain

Not to do a bunch of shite I don’t want to do

Either men or women from my past who have healed or new ones I meet along the way

I won’t entertain annoying or chaotic individuals

I will ignore, block, or remove myself from them

The company they keep is likely shite

Anyone attracted to that would be shite

It’s why it can be so lonely in this stage

Most of the people are attracted to noise

To distraction

To pleasure

To their phones

They aren’t ever really here

They hardly listen

They hardly talk or make 0 sense when they do

Bugs

We are all human but the way most act are like kids on the playground

Not in a good way like being playful and enjoying things

Just being absolute retards

I won’t find many people on this journey because I don’t need to

I want to find at least a couple

Some have popped up online already

But in person would be better

However, I want to stay on what I enjoy daily

No one can be here at 9 AM when I am writing

They have their own tasks to do

Its why I found a girl who I retired so we could hang out in the down moments

It just made us both resentful as we didn’t really have our own things to do especially daily

It was fun at first then it wasn’t

Living with a girl changes the dynamic

The space was small but also we got way too close way too fast

It’s not healthy

I’ve seen this with even sisters who are older

Gay lovers who are older

They would rather be with someone just so they don’t have to be alone

It’s human, however if both of you are miserable

Then it’s not

Misery always loves company

Learning to be alone is a privilege

You can do whatever you like

There are times when it is lonely, however it is better than being miserable and depressed

When you are alone you can come up with your best works of art or inventions

But it’s nice to be able to see friends, family, and a girl as well

I have options for all three but right now I don’t see many friends

But will soon

I don’t see much family but can always call them

My brother’s new family is having a July 4th party for their 1 year anniversary

A year ago I’d be jealous, jaded, and saying where is my girl?

Why does he get all the good shit?

Now I’m happy for him

Truly

I wouldn’t like a lot of the stuff he does anyway and also he deserves all that

He worked hard his whole life

I worked hard in certain areas but mostly just coasted

I did a lot of things most people couldn’t even do in their dreams

So of course right now seems so different

But a lot couldn’t go through the emotional rewiring I am either

A lot couldn’t do what they wanted to do because they would still be chasing thrills

Because they never had the old thrills or they did and can’t let them go

I don’t want a girl right now since it’s as unhealthy as heroin would be for me

A friend that is a girl would be a much better start

Instead of always trying to pull them

Just see if I really enjoy them at first

It’s hard for everyone

That’s life

How you respond to the situation is up to you

Sometimes the trauma is too deep like when it comes to serial killers

Sometimes you are in a third world country with no money

Most of us here are truly blessed

Our worst day is someones best

We are spoiled rotten

That’s what also makes it so hard

Easy living can be hard if you don’t appreciate it daily

A simple prayer before a meal

A moment of gratitude

Your mood will change throughout the day

Based on your hunger, stress, new info, etc

Again your response should change over time

Accepting this and being aware of it is the first step

Everyone will differ beyond this point

Some people need a ton more experience

Some need to learn from the experience in order to not repeat all of the mistakes or to learn more about themselves

Maybe you like getting wasted every weekend

Maybe you like playing chess every weekend

The people I know who get blasted on drugs and alcohol generally do not like it persay

It’s something to do

Some relief

Some escape

But the next day always comes

Then your hormones and sleep are all out of whack

You wake up alone feeling awful or dreadful every week

Simply because you were bored and everyone else seemed to be doing it

I responded to hangovers terribly

Always covering them up with other drugs

I’m sure I’ll be hungover again

I’ll just be more grounded to slowly move about the day

That day isn’t soon

Being drunk or drugged lasts for 2 minutes it feels like

Then the next day lasts forever

I don’t get those extreme escapes anymore

But when I wake up I’m not full of dread and angst

The sober highs of being in the sun and swimming are way better

The connection with my mom and brother are much stronger

Cheap dopamine just gets me irritable and shaky

It’s weird

This world is built upon that so it seems like I am avoiding it all the time

Longer forms of dopamine like this and podcasting make me feel much more whole

So even if I wanted the cheap shit

It simply doesn’t work any more

My tolerance is too low for it so it just makes me feel awful

Like eating a donut first thing in the morning

We all know you feel like shit after that

Yet some people do it anyway

Same shit for doomscrolling, social media, nicotine, any quick hits

If I switch around apps on my phone now I just feel sick and irritated

My mind gets all discombobulated

Like I said it’s so weird

I have way more focus for shit like this because the alternative is just distraction

So I have no choice but to keep doing this

Creating

Connecting

Aligning myself

Everything else is just noise

Until next time,

-BTSC