The Ebb and Flow

I always thought you could just have enough money to buy your way out of everything

Or that everything that was annoying would just stop one day

It would just go away

Like anything from doing dishes

Oh just get a maid

Refilling soaps

New toothbrushes

Whatever

The minutia

Now ofc with amazon it makes it so easy to replace it can be there that day

Uber eats can give you food in seconds

I’d be so lazy sometimes like I can’t just click the reorder button

I have to go through the menu and choose

UGH

Like so entitled

Really life hasn’t ever been easier

And that is the main problem

Double edged sword

Used to just have a maid once a week

Would cook once

Some eggs and toast

Done

Pan sorta washed off in the sink

Especially the days I was stoned which was everyday

I would say ok I read, did some trading, did a workout, now time to get high and fuck around

I would just get high, sometimes hang out with other trader buddies, drink or not, we’d talk some shop

If they annoyed me or I didn’t feel like it

Just got high

Weed was the hardest drug for me to quit

I’ve done fent

All of that is easy because you worry about dying, the stigma, or horrible withdrawal

Whatever it’s way easier to stop

Once I wasn’t high I was like wtf do you people do all day?

So I looked more into chores and menial tasks

My writing and podcasting came later

I have a much better sleep routine, sleep cycles, etc

The weed can mess you up just once a week usage

I knew this in college, I was high and found a study

But I’m an all or nothing guy especially with drugs

It’s like I can manage the hard stuff more because you die if you don’t

The weed keeps you not alive though

As if you were already dead

I introduced both my brother and best friend to it

Neither used like I do but they still take edibles now

They would have either way

I’d rather have been the one to do it

It was fun getting high and shooting the shit

But it’s much more fun sober

It wreaks your T levels, your sleep, and your brain

You get adrenaline, dopamine, “relaxed” until you bounce back

If I have to sit on the couch now

Just give me fent

No euphoria at all

All painkilling

Don’t even know why people like fent

Heroin is the king

Last’s long

Can do a small amount

The problem is its very addicting and you get withdrawal the next day

You can’t get heroin anyway nowadays

Opiates were always my guilty pleasure

They made me feel confident, outgoing, or intorverted, no guilt, no weird thoughts

Funny I haven’t had any in two years

I switched to mostly nitrous with some booze

The nitrous was like good weed but it made me semi insane

The booze took the edge off and added a bit, throw in some nicotine and almost like Vicodin or H

Now you don’t even care about chores

Do them or don’t

They don’t add or subtract

Have fun the next day though

And tbh the only real drug I got a tolerance to was opiates and very quickly

I’ve tried everything besides meth, crack, dmt, and some other physches

Anything that would make me feel better

Existence was to shit and boring I thought

Nihilism

What’s the point?

How do these people live sober?

Why would they want to?

I envied the sober people like my mom and her family

My dad’s side was/is all addicts and/or alkies

I was like how can you guys be so happy, with less money, less time, less drugs, less everything

We have it all

We are the kings of this world

The people bow to us

Not you Africans over there

When I went and saw a big happy family and no one was controlling when we would eat lunch

My dad, his brother, and sister would all choose a different time to eat lunch when we visited LA

Dad wanted 11, Uncle wanted Noon, Aunt wanted 1

Come on you niggers fuck this shit

We came all they way from Texas let’s just do noon and call it a day

Christ

At any family gatherings there would be small fights to large ones at weddings

My older cousins were fighting and shouting in the elevator at the Ritz

I hardly see my dads side as we all live all over

One on one we are all good

Put us together and unless someone died we aren’t happy

It’s fucked

A wedding means time to fight

We just can’t be happy for others or if there is no chaos we create it

Nightmare fuel

Now in South Africa we just ate and they drink a tiny bit

Very little

Then have a lot of tea

You chat a lot

But in big groups I had my guard up like ok time to fight guys

It seemed boring

Like where’s the fights?

So I caused shit with my mom and brother

Why are you all so chill?

Aren’t you bored?

Don’t you want to fight?

All I knew

Could barely enjoy Africa

Didn’t allow myself to smoke and blamed it on being sober

Would drink to cope but since no one else drank a lot

I couldn’t drink a ton

I was like you guys don’t drink?

WTF

Man this is a buzz kill

I mean I enjoyed the tea and all but sometimes it was 8 hours

Like I’d switch to some booze

I couldn’t believe this

Like where’s the weed and booze?

When do we fight?

What’s happening?

Now I wish they were here

But I probably wouldn’t have the network I do because I’d cling to them

They are the epitome of peace

Something so foreign to me I want to attack it

The nicest people I have ever met

When you don’t carry the weight of the world on your back and shoulders

It’s much easier to have fun over tea or exploring the town

When you do; all of that is hard

You just want to retreat into drugs and be left alone

It’s too much

How can all these people be happy with life I wondered

Especially sober

With all these mundane tasks

And my moms brothers daughter has cerebral palsy

He didn’t let that get in the way of life

No one on my dad’s side has any physcal ailments

Maybe a bad back from sitting too much or an accident

Bad eyesight

But for the most part they are never injured

Never really stressed about anything

Don’t look like they have a worry in the world

But beneath that paper thin skin is a storm that never stops

The chaos, trauma, neglect, abandonment, addictions all live with them

Some days are better than others

The ones who have confronted the demons and sought help

Are much better off

Takes a lot of work though

And my dads side is lazy

They had it all

Why should they work?

They are smart as hell

Said ya I did all that

So they got bored and stewed with the demons

Some have rigid routines to stay sober

Some just drink in the bed all day

Some look like they have it together but escape with books, booze, cigs, and the crazy news for hours on hours

What they don’t seem to have no matter how they cope

Is much connection to others

In person or online, or via the phone

It always has to be a control thing

I call you on Sunday at this time every week

I get up at midnight and do my tasks

Clean the floors eat one boiled egg

The other would get up at 6:00 eat crap mostly and coffee then start reading the papers

The other one wakes at noon and has a bloody mary then hits the sauce hard all day while controlling everyone around her

The others smoke weed and run around with their crazy kids and make everyone nuts

It’s like a carnival or zoo

In their own mental prisons all day

If any little thing goes wrong

It’s WW3

I’m here to break that cycle

I’m the last one

The youngest

Technically, my brother is but he was never like us

Said he did the opposite which would be like my mothers side

Smart

I’m the last one

The last of the Mohicans

I have to break the cycle

Not for anyone else but me

For my sanity

I won’t be perfect

Don’t want to be

I will fail at times

Good

I will never give up

I will succeed

When I put my mind to something

There is no stopping me

This time I go forward like a locomotive at full speed

But I will slow down as needed

Take a detour when I have to

Observe, reflect, coerce, influence, be a good presence

Keep that power and use my faults for good

It’s time

It’s been time

I will break as many cycles as possible

I won’t do things out of pressure or fomo

I won’t indulge in drugs to escape

If I do a bad injury and need morphine that’s obviously fine

If after a long while I want a couple of drinks with people that’s fine

Never really had a problem with booze because I saw what it can do

Shit drug anyway

Ok seldomly

I also won’t chase anything

Women especially or the next high

I will sit with the uncomfortable feelings instead of running away to the gym, swim or exercise to just escape

Feelings first then gym or swim

I have to be fully aware because even the healthy copes can be an escape

I have to pause and ask am I doing this because I want to or am I doing this to run away or find relief

Yesterday I was going to go down to the pool and socialize and swim

My ankle is still bad and it looked so daunting with all this shit I am going through and recent break up

I was scanning for women on the balcony above to see if I could find some relief

I caught myself and said you wouldn’t be going down with the right intentions

So I went back and then I didn’t know but my mind had to flash some unpleasant shit about my ex all memories good and bad

Then I felt better and wrote it all down with ChatGPT

Talked it out with people

Processed a bit

Was feeling decent for a while, then had a sinking spell and was like fuck all this shit

Had a snack

Easy blood sugar drop fix

Then ate a nice burger and felt so much better

Started talking with my mom about all sorts of shit

Dopamine flowing from a good place

Slept well

Now I get to have another day

Instead of dreading the day ahead I look forward to the ups and downs

I look forward to the pain and pleasure

No matter what it may be

Until next time,

-BTSC