Protecting my Peace
Almost everyone I know is stuck in the cycle of chaos
The only two who aren’t are my brother and mother
They have figured out how to not let others drama effect them
If a person gets too much they simply distance themselves from that person and meet new people
Sometimes cutting them off entirely
Since I’ve had issues with abandonment, I have trouble doing this
People pleasing has been something I have done in the past
Mainly so that women wouldn’t leave me
I left the men who annoyed me fairly easily
As I get older I wonder which of these men are going to help me?
Will they help me get to my future goals?
Will they actually take a step back from the party scene ?
Will they make new friends?
Or simply run from themselves into a new group of chaotic individuals?
Will they try and leave the place they are in in pursuits of greater ventures?
Will some get the experience they need to move on to a more productive life?
I know some who should be leaving the hometown and going to an entierly different state to get out of their comfort zones
Some are hinting at leaving the party scene entirely
Or leaving the city entirely
Any and all of these are viable
The way they go about it needs to be clean
I don’t need to hear I’m going to do this and it takes ten years
I don’t need to hear how bad everything is all the time
Just because they are waking up doesn’t mean they have to keep screaming like it’s a nightmare
We are in the greatest country in arguably one of the best time periods of the entire existence of humanity
These are the types of people who play a friendly game of pick up basketball and take it so seriously like they are going to the NBA playoffs
They act like everything is do or die
Many think if they stop moving for a second they will die
Others haven’t even moved at all and have stayed in the same patterns for life
I could be bitter and annoyed at the situation or I can handle it with the maturity I have been given
There are steps to take to help these people out if they want the help
It’s just noise or chaos, apathy or insanity
What worries me the most is these are the people in the 1% of genes
That have been brainwashed by society, the news, their SOs, their parents even
They can’t think for themsevelves
I don’t blame them
The constant info we get nowadays is gutwrenching
I try not to get any news
8 people will tell me about when the pope is elected
None of this effects me directly
Like covid never did directly, now indrectly it made everyone insane because they were finally starting to wake up
At first I was like good
Now I feel like one of the last sane ones in the insane asylum
I know there are people like me
They live in this building
They are at the country clubs
They live in and air of abundance no matter the situation
Haven’t been laid in years?
The least of their concerns
Have been retired for years?
Some love it
The ones who don’t stay working and they love it too
They aren’t bogged down with the dilemma’s that most people no matter the age seem to be
Most people make mountains out of molehills
I know because I did for so long
Just for some action and for some noise
Now I’m like shoo
Your problems right now won’t matter in ten years
They may matter now and that’s ok
How you manage them is up to you
I’ve been better at dealing with people’s issues
As well as my own
When we were in our 20s there didn’t seem to be any issues
They are started getting nutty later
That transmuted over to me simply because I allowed it
I was at the core of all the drama
Circulating it all around me to rile everyone up
Now I will only rile up to raise awareness about how we would easily be in a tech age of WW3
Does that mean we are in the trenches getting trenchfoot?
No, instead if you allow it you get brain rot
If you obsess
Obsession will consume you
Fight or flight has become the norm
I don’t blame anyone
I just want them to be aware
Yesterday I had this uneasy feeling at night
My ex used to call it bad vibes
I realized the bad vibes were simply waves of calmness
We both weren’t used to that
So she labeled it bad as I wondered what it was
Turns out it is peace and sometimes peace is boring
Sometimes it is fun
I swam for a while yesterday and it was fun
Then later after I had some down time and it seemed not fun
However, I dove into Oblivion for an hour or so and talked to AI about this
I’m still getting familiar with peace itself
Nietsche talks about a warlike man attacks himself under peaceful conditions
I used to think I was a warlike man
I was for sure an angry one
But I am much more monk like
I prefer the simple things in life now
I’ve had all that excitement and it was good and bad
It got me to here
My system is now integrating all of the stuff I have been experiencing over the lat few weeks
I had a dream of my ex last night
A couple of weeks ago that dream would have ruined my entire day
Instead, I woke up and read
Now I’m writing
People and things are starting to bug me less
A night alone used to mean inhaling nitrous or taking a bunch of pills
Now I can be sober in my thoughts
It still feels strange at times
My system goes back and forth with shit like is this okay?
Should I have done more?
Even after a full day
My brain is there but my body is still getting used to it
People pinging me with their worries and stress just has to bounce off me now
I can help when I can and such
But I can’t let it get to me
If I do then life will never be peaceful or fulfilled
Their constant noise will be deafening
This is a test of my patience
I’m at a all time high for all of that though
Some days it feels like I may crumble
But I always remain standing
These spirals they are in I just don’t relate with
Some days will feel extra lonely because of it
I’m not fully comfortable with being alone yet
And that’s okay
Their projections and insecurties are fine but they have to bounce off me
I want to remain steady and centered
Not it a crazy cacophony of noise and disillusionment
I’ve been ahead of the curve for sometime
It can be lonely at the top as well as overwhelming
People want what I now have
So I can allow a ton in to use me
Or shut the door
I just have to be okay with being by myself without attacking or running or hiding
Understanding my emotions without letting them drive me
I’ve been relating more with people who have given up drugs or at least held back
Or wild nights out but are getting bored of that
Some people IRL and some online
Hearing the stories of the wild nights in the past is more amusing then living them now
I want to learn from the past to move forward in the future while remaining present all the way
I’m tired of society telling me what to do
Get married
Have kids
Don’t get married
Don’t have kids
Have fun
Don’t have fun
Fuck as many girls as you want
Don’t fuck that many
All noise
I have to silence it all to figure out what I really want
I won’t figure it out all today or tomorrow this week or next month
I can simply plant seeds for future events that are lower key
Get invited to small gatherings
Not be ruled by the next exciting thing
The next high
Not just socializing as an excuse to drink
Going in with a clear head and mind
Unloading the past daily
Living now
And looking forward to a best future I could imagine
I have to sacrifice a lot
Most people who achieve greatness do
If that means making less money, not having any sex or very little, not running from myself with intense workouts or long cardio sessions, not long night outs, not drinking/drugging for days on end, not being social every night, not getting high every night, not having crazed people around me, basically everything I have ever known then so be it
It gets tiring, boring, repetitive, and ultimately gets me no where
I have plenty to do in the day and when I don’t I create or can simply be
Life is too short to be running from high to high
“There is nothing to fear but fear itself”
Has never been truer
Some parts of the future concern me
Some parts of my past has me feeling guilty or regretful at times
Those feelings are lessening
I can forgive myself and others, not forget though as I don’t want to fall into familiar patterns
As I learn how to be a calm, centered individual I will eventually get rewarded for my efforts
I already have
The clarity
The residing anger
The peace
The quality sleep
The good nutrition
Less stress
But the emotional stress is heavy
Some days I’m doing PRs with it
Would rather lift 500lbs instead
Those days are also good
Fortune favours the bold
I’m not waiting for the gold at the end of the rainbow
I’m not waiting for some woman to come and save me
Or the pope
I’m simply enjoying day to day life more than I ever have in my entire life
At times it feels so wrong
But other times it feels so right
I know that I am doing the right things
Any well adjusted person would be able to handle anything thrown their way in life
I have to let things go
My past
What the future may hold
My expectations for other people
Seeing my friends suffer sucks
I can help when I can
But I must protect myself at all costs
Otherwise I can’t be there fully
Call it selfish
Call it whatever you like
But I know this is what is right
Until next time,
-BTSC