Protecting my Peace

Almost everyone I know is stuck in the cycle of chaos

The only two who aren’t are my brother and mother

They have figured out how to not let others drama effect them

If a person gets too much they simply distance themselves from that person and meet new people

Sometimes cutting them off entirely

Since I’ve had issues with abandonment, I have trouble doing this

People pleasing has been something I have done in the past

Mainly so that women wouldn’t leave me

I left the men who annoyed me fairly easily

As I get older I wonder which of these men are going to help me?

Will they help me get to my future goals?

Will they actually take a step back from the party scene ?

Will they make new friends?

Or simply run from themselves into a new group of chaotic individuals?

Will they try and leave the place they are in in pursuits of greater ventures?

Will some get the experience they need to move on to a more productive life?

I know some who should be leaving the hometown and going to an entierly different state to get out of their comfort zones

Some are hinting at leaving the party scene entirely

Or leaving the city entirely

Any and all of these are viable

The way they go about it needs to be clean

I don’t need to hear I’m going to do this and it takes ten years

I don’t need to hear how bad everything is all the time

Just because they are waking up doesn’t mean they have to keep screaming like it’s a nightmare

We are in the greatest country in arguably one of the best time periods of the entire existence of humanity

These are the types of people who play a friendly game of pick up basketball and take it so seriously like they are going to the NBA playoffs

They act like everything is do or die

Many think if they stop moving for a second they will die

Others haven’t even moved at all and have stayed in the same patterns for life

I could be bitter and annoyed at the situation or I can handle it with the maturity I have been given

There are steps to take to help these people out if they want the help

It’s just noise or chaos, apathy or insanity

What worries me the most is these are the people in the 1% of genes

That have been brainwashed by society, the news, their SOs, their parents even

They can’t think for themsevelves

I don’t blame them

The constant info we get nowadays is gutwrenching

I try not to get any news

8 people will tell me about when the pope is elected

None of this effects me directly

Like covid never did directly, now indrectly it made everyone insane because they were finally starting to wake up

At first I was like good

Now I feel like one of the last sane ones in the insane asylum

I know there are people like me

They live in this building

They are at the country clubs

They live in and air of abundance no matter the situation

Haven’t been laid in years?

The least of their concerns

Have been retired for years?

Some love it

The ones who don’t stay working and they love it too

They aren’t bogged down with the dilemma’s that most people no matter the age seem to be

Most people make mountains out of molehills

I know because I did for so long

Just for some action and for some noise

Now I’m like shoo

Your problems right now won’t matter in ten years

They may matter now and that’s ok

How you manage them is up to you

I’ve been better at dealing with people’s issues

As well as my own

When we were in our 20s there didn’t seem to be any issues

They are started getting nutty later

That transmuted over to me simply because I allowed it

I was at the core of all the drama

Circulating it all around me to rile everyone up

Now I will only rile up to raise awareness about how we would easily be in a tech age of WW3

Does that mean we are in the trenches getting trenchfoot?

No, instead if you allow it you get brain rot

If you obsess

Obsession will consume you

Fight or flight has become the norm

I don’t blame anyone

I just want them to be aware

Yesterday I had this uneasy feeling at night

My ex used to call it bad vibes

I realized the bad vibes were simply waves of calmness

We both weren’t used to that

So she labeled it bad as I wondered what it was

Turns out it is peace and sometimes peace is boring

Sometimes it is fun

I swam for a while yesterday and it was fun

Then later after I had some down time and it seemed not fun

However, I dove into Oblivion for an hour or so and talked to AI about this

I’m still getting familiar with peace itself

Nietsche talks about a warlike man attacks himself under peaceful conditions

I used to think I was a warlike man

I was for sure an angry one

But I am much more monk like

I prefer the simple things in life now

I’ve had all that excitement and it was good and bad

It got me to here

My system is now integrating all of the stuff I have been experiencing over the lat few weeks

I had a dream of my ex last night

A couple of weeks ago that dream would have ruined my entire day

Instead, I woke up and read

Now I’m writing

People and things are starting to bug me less

A night alone used to mean inhaling nitrous or taking a bunch of pills

Now I can be sober in my thoughts

It still feels strange at times

My system goes back and forth with shit like is this okay?

Should I have done more?

Even after a full day

My brain is there but my body is still getting used to it

People pinging me with their worries and stress just has to bounce off me now

I can help when I can and such

But I can’t let it get to me

If I do then life will never be peaceful or fulfilled

Their constant noise will be deafening

This is a test of my patience

I’m at a all time high for all of that though

Some days it feels like I may crumble

But I always remain standing

These spirals they are in I just don’t relate with

Some days will feel extra lonely because of it

I’m not fully comfortable with being alone yet

And that’s okay

Their projections and insecurties are fine but they have to bounce off me

I want to remain steady and centered

Not it a crazy cacophony of noise and disillusionment

I’ve been ahead of the curve for sometime

It can be lonely at the top as well as overwhelming

People want what I now have

So I can allow a ton in to use me

Or shut the door

I just have to be okay with being by myself without attacking or running or hiding

Understanding my emotions without letting them drive me

I’ve been relating more with people who have given up drugs or at least held back

Or wild nights out but are getting bored of that

Some people IRL and some online

Hearing the stories of the wild nights in the past is more amusing then living them now

I want to learn from the past to move forward in the future while remaining present all the way

I’m tired of society telling me what to do

Get married

Have kids

Don’t get married

Don’t have kids

Have fun

Don’t have fun

Fuck as many girls as you want

Don’t fuck that many

All noise

I have to silence it all to figure out what I really want

I won’t figure it out all today or tomorrow this week or next month

I can simply plant seeds for future events that are lower key

Get invited to small gatherings

Not be ruled by the next exciting thing

The next high

Not just socializing as an excuse to drink

Going in with a clear head and mind

Unloading the past daily

Living now

And looking forward to a best future I could imagine

I have to sacrifice a lot

Most people who achieve greatness do

If that means making less money, not having any sex or very little, not running from myself with intense workouts or long cardio sessions, not long night outs, not drinking/drugging for days on end, not being social every night, not getting high every night, not having crazed people around me, basically everything I have ever known then so be it

It gets tiring, boring, repetitive, and ultimately gets me no where

I have plenty to do in the day and when I don’t I create or can simply be

Life is too short to be running from high to high

“There is nothing to fear but fear itself”

Has never been truer

Some parts of the future concern me

Some parts of my past has me feeling guilty or regretful at times

Those feelings are lessening

I can forgive myself and others, not forget though as I don’t want to fall into familiar patterns

As I learn how to be a calm, centered individual I will eventually get rewarded for my efforts

I already have

The clarity

The residing anger

The peace

The quality sleep

The good nutrition

Less stress

But the emotional stress is heavy

Some days I’m doing PRs with it

Would rather lift 500lbs instead

Those days are also good

Fortune favours the bold

I’m not waiting for the gold at the end of the rainbow

I’m not waiting for some woman to come and save me

Or the pope

I’m simply enjoying day to day life more than I ever have in my entire life

At times it feels so wrong

But other times it feels so right

I know that I am doing the right things

Any well adjusted person would be able to handle anything thrown their way in life

I have to let things go

My past

What the future may hold

My expectations for other people

Seeing my friends suffer sucks

I can help when I can

But I must protect myself at all costs

Otherwise I can’t be there fully

Call it selfish

Call it whatever you like

But I know this is what is right

Until next time,

-BTSC