Planting Daily Seeds

Everyday I am planting a daily seed

Yesterday was as small as saying hi to the dime at the pool

You never know if that turns into drinks on the skydeck with her or a small group

It doesn’t matter does it?

Also another win was discussing marriage with my mother

She noticed all the divorced people she knows are miserable

What I can tell you is it also fucks up the kids

Not that I had divorced parents but plenty of kids who do struggle more than they needed to

A marriage requires two vetted partners

Two that will never get divorced

Having kids is a blessing for this type

A lot of people get married just as something to do

I don’t want to get married

That may change one day

But I’m not traditional like that at all

The girl always pushes that

Unless your my father

My mother didn’t want a second marriage or kids

He botched his first one up; so he did

He did better the second time around

A rare case indeed

His other kids have messed up their kids more than needed

Usually it seems people get watered down with the other persons genes

Not in this case

We aren’t here to be perfect of course

We are here to be fulfilled and give back

To have daily duties we enjoy much like this writing

I don’t write everyday

I don’t podcast everyday

My routine is different every single day

I do what I want to do

Not what I think I need

My brain never could think straight

Too distracted with women, making money, getting high, running

Now I do none of that

It gets more and more familiar

There are no big flashes or big nights

If anything I have a small one on one once a week

If the degens or even ex degens who are still bored an chaotic message me on two separate accounts, call me and say shit like “WYD” or “Lemme chill”

I simply ignore

Like a guy messaged my ex once

“Let me hit”

Ignored

Same shit

I don’t invite drama in anymore just to feel something

I went down to the pool on Sunday much like I do everyday and there were a bunch of hooligans there

Even just a couple of months ago I would have lost my mind

That was where I used to get my peace

Now I can just have it

The interjection of noise was only slightly irritating dare I say even pleasant?

Others didn’t seem bothered at all

Why should I let it bother me?

Another small win

There are usually multiple in a day now

I’m being social without isolating

I’m tapering down benzos slowly but surely

I don’t let anything rile me up

Something I used to be so good at

I don’t rile others up

Also something I used to be so good at

It was something to do from when I was young

Because stillness and boredom were the enemy

It meant death

Now when it’s still I can create, call someone, host a spaces, hit record and talk, or simply read

I don’t need to be doing anything “productive”

The hustle culture was a lie

I bought into it for a while

But I was already born for a more leisurely life

I was trained for it

Why should I give a damn about anything that doesn’t suit my needs or others?

Should I say my wants

I used to think that I needed things

If people cancelled, then I’d get high

I’d cancel just for the lols and get high

I’ve seen about every type of situation you could see

It’s novelty has warn off

I want to recreate what used to give me joy when I was a boy

Before the women, drugs, booze, insane escapes were there

Now I want to meet others who are here

Help others get here

Guide the way

As long as you don’t throw off my waugh

I’m down for anything

But I will keep my boundaries

Once I have made up my mind I won’t be peer pressured or allow myself to think there is any fomo

Or that I need intense action to feel alive

I feel alive right now

In the calmness of my space as I hear the cars roll by

This new identity is becoming more and more familiar

The real me deep down

Anyone who has shifted into a new identity knows exactly how it feels

Unsettling at first

Wrong

It’s like moving to a new city and knowing no one

Lonely

I shook my hand in the shower a couple weeks ago

I said it’s nice to meet you

Here’s a litmus test I use that you can use

If it drains me

I don’t do it

If it gives me energy

I do it

Of course I have to retry somethings

I know that going out makes me feel manic energy and throws me off for days

Then I feel awful the next day suffering for no reason

I will probably be hungover again at some point

But I will try not to be

I will keep it casual at certain small events or even larger ones

I used to not give af because I would just drug/drink the next day and avoid the hangover

Terrible way to do things

So I wouldn’t care how much I drank or how late I stayed up or anything

That was fine for a while too

I regret some of it but not all of it

Anyone else in my position would understand

Also if things are new it’s easy to get carried away with it

Like I could let this become an addiction

It’s why I take days off

Other things pop up

Right now I’m not sure if I am mentally addicted to anything

I’m physically reliant on TRT and benzos

But I’m on the lowest doses I can take

They are controlled and managed

So it’s not like okay I’m gonna abuse steroids now and get huge folks

People say we are all addicted to something

Well I’m addicted to finding out who the totally new version of me is

Everyday seems to be different

It’s much easier to get things done

I don’t obsess over the little things anymore

Everything seems to solve itself

I don’t get as overwhelmed

I don’t get as frantic or manic

I don’t get as guilty

I simply pause before most things and ask do I want this?

If it’s yes then I do it

Can be something as simple as eating a chocolate or accepting an invite to soemthing

My brothers anniversary party around July 4th was simply too overwhelming for me right now

3 days of strangers, drinks, food, travelling is just not where I’m at

It would throw me off for 3 days after at least if not a week or more

And it’s not a degen event at all

They don’t drink much and have good family time

But I know me well right now

If I take care of myself now

I can see them in December or next July

There is no rush

My system has been through the ringer

Daily shakes

Daily recalibration

Right now I’m more “dialied in” without even trying

I sleep better

Eat better

Swim weather permitting

It’s at in home rehab aka outpatient

I know people who have gone to rehab for months multiple times and when they get back home have no coping skills

It’s easy to stay sober and grounded with others going through the same shit

It’s hard when you get back

A lot of the times they just trade their addictions in for other drugs

Oxy to meth

Alcohol to xans

Still not sure what to do in their free time

Someone is always telling them what to do

Like a small child

Their boss

Their wife

If they are single their urges or their friends

Constantly seeking new thrills that leave the with a bigger void to fill

They either wake up and do something about it or keep going until they die

I don’t want that

You shouldn’t either

In your 20s do whatever you need to do

Once you hit your 30s you will want to do other things and have to rewire everything you did

Otherwise you bring it into your 40s, 50s, 60s

The goal isn’t to hide like a monk

It’s to be able to see a plane crash in front of you and instead of fleeing opt to help the survivors on board

How can you help anyone if you can’t help yourself?

However, there is a loading zone of 2-3 months were you must accept your new lifestyle

Otherwise you will fall back on old patterns

If you fuck up once it’s not a big deal

Just get back on the horse ASAP

Don’t beat yourself up

Life is much too short when you enjoy it

But terribly long when you hate it

Until next time,

-BTSC