Once I had lost something — I always tried to find it again
Once I had lost something — I always tried to find it again
If I was deprived of sex, the first thing I needed to get was sex
Not because I wanted it
But because I felt like that’s what I needed to be calm, to perform, to be a man
In college I had a gf the whole time
So that need was always fulfilled
I started planning things around it or accepting during holidays it just wasn’t happening
That’s when I got a taste of true peace
Once I opened pandora’s box on anything
Now it would be a black whole of desire forever
Back then I could lead effortlessly
I had everything I wanted
Women, drugs, parties, fraternity of like minded men
It was very tribal
We had our own economy
I sold drugs during certain periods
Like trading furs and spices
The system worked and was the most tribal I ever felt
At some point during college though things started breaking
My mental health went first
Senior year I had to come home for six months
Compounding lack of sleep, too much weed, partying, hard drugs
My GPA was way down to a 1.87 sophomore year
Sleeping at the frat was killing my mental health
I was in one of the loudest party rooms
My room was more than most people’s rent
We had our own showers and everything
At the time I covered everything up with weed
When I was drunk I would be insane
Yielding my nickname Dr. P
I don’t want to get into too much of those stories as I have talked about them before
I do want to stop romanticizing all points of my past in this post
I had essentially lost my mind
I was forced back home, not because my parents knew how bad my grades were
I just knew something was wrong
Depressed, angry, feeling alone amongst others, tired as hell
Had been working out a lot that year with this underground scene at Boulder
These guys were all huge and I loved it
More camaraderie
Too much camaraderie
I wasn’t recovering from the workouts properly
The lack of sleep caught up to me in the 1 year and a half
First year I had a roommate with all these druggies who would be up all night
I’ve talked about this
So I got sleep in the summers when I would be back
But was also bored and couldn’t wait to get back
Also still smoking a lot of weed which really messes with your sleep
It also brings mental health problems especially if you are ADD, worsening beta spindles and Alpha waves
Giving me tons of paranoia and anxiety
Recently I have been talking about my tribe with my mother
I always wanted to bring that life with me
However, I thought I had all my needs met
So then I could lead in a way but not how I wanted
Because I didn’t have the basics down
So I had to come home
Frat when on probation that year for a pledge doing coke in one of the apartments and cops looking in
Wouldn’t have happened if I was there
I watched everything
So I really didn’t miss out on shit
When I got back home though I felt super lost
Doing therapy and working at this country club gym
Then biofeedback therapy
I started feeling better on Gabapentin and the brainscans as I called them
The Gaba made me feel stoned as the doc said I would like it
But it had side effects like drinking all the water one could find and gaining weight
Eventually I added weed back in
I also was stealing my dad’s vicodins and tramadols
I forgot I had mixed all three at times
Because the gaba was my baseline
Nodded off at my desk at work one day
Always showing up on something except one day a week because it was so boring
Right when I always thought I had everything— things started to crumble
Got the girl, got the frat, got whatever I needed
Sex, drugs, rock n roll
I never needed any of that besides the tribe
There were guys who were sober
Didn’t smoke weed at all
Few and far between
Always was watching them
Like they exist here with all this calamity sober?
They were the most successful ones there and now
I always needed something to feel ok
I couldn’t just be ok
I vowed after college to bring that lifestyle with me
Found a few different tribes
They didn’t smoke weed
I still did
See I only chased women once in college when my ex went to New Zealand for a semester
We were going to have an open relationship but she called me two days before I knew I would pull a new girl
In my drunken egoic Dr.P mode
I pulled this girl to the frat study room
Later that night I saw her and was like you’re still here?
This was post brainscans and therapy
School was easier, my temper calmed down, nothing was going to stop me
Forgot about my ex in the moment, didn’t care either
When I told her I cheated on her, and the tears starting flowing
I felt awful
The first pangs of guilt I had ever felt
I ended shit 3 times with her before
Can’t even remember the timeline
Then I went and chased girls at bars and the frat
Pulling fatties from the bars and mids at the frat
I felt awful and missed my ex
Was sleeping with a summer roommate at the time who gave me the Clam
My ex and I decided to get back together
I cheated on her a couple of more times and slept with the girl I lost my virginity too
She had track marks up and down her arms
She died 2-3 weeks after of an overdose
All I could think about was I have aids
Even though she was one of the only girls to make me wear a condom
She was a stripper at the time and was going to come by the house to strip for the guys
The first group of guys saw her years before fully nude and we had to tell each other our V card losing stories
They knew who she was when we got to the all nude club
So I thought it would be a good idea to show the new guys at the frat my first
So did she…
But I never dealt with her death properly instead of diving into AIDS research which I found it’s nearly impossible to get, even with unprotected gay sex
Usually it’s done by sharing needles which was probably why I was so scared
Never shot up drugs but since she did, I thought maybe she shared a needle
Not to mention the added guilt of my ex coming back from summer break and we were back together
I would sit next to her guilt ridden, wanting to throw up
I was hard to date and so was she
Both my exes liked to drink over smoking and would be wild
It was a lot to handle at times
Then they would be like ghosts some days even sitting next to them
I attracted ghosts and wild people because that was me
So when I came back from college and my ex broke up with me while my throat was closing from EoE
I felt a certain death
I had lost my tribe, my ability to literally swallow food, and my gf
I couldn’t even exercise like I wanted because then I would be way too hungry
The pain was like being stabbed when we broke up
As soon as I could, I went out with my best friend and I was depressed like I’m going back to Colorado
Pulled a girl to the bathroom that night
Made a ton of social proof and a tribe for the night
I was back
She got railed by 3 other guys that night
I knew she would
There was applause
I thought I was the man
Reborn
I drove off to this crappy dance club trying to pull again, to no avail
Shouldn’t have even been driving
I met up with her two days later
Banged her again with no condom
She let me fist her at some point in the future
It was a summer fling
Then one day she just disappeared
She at least prompted me to get my own place
I said if I want to keep doing this time to move out
Even though I thought I would choke to death everytime I ate
I ate etizolam similar to xanax to calm down before every meal
Weed didn’t help so I cut back but still did it
Ugh so much chaos and no clarity
But I was starting to find a new tribe out and in the new building I would move into
I was bringing the college life with me
This time when my recent ex broke up with me and I had my ankle injury
Instead of flinging myself into self destructive mode
I decided to start finally really taking care of myself
Now being dead sober and celibate
I am slowly building a tribe of people who are present, aware, are either here or could maybe make it here
I’m like man this is slow
But so was all that
Those took 2 years or so to build
So did the frat one
Even dorm ones took me a month to find a solid crew and we had too many so had to cut a lot out
Making it really messy
I don’t want to add people in just because
Every weekend people try to come in
I don’t even respond back until Sunday or at all
I have a small tribe for now
Some not even in my city
But I’m the most grounded I have ever been
Chasing nothing
Attracting what I want
Already noticing higher quality women
They seem to respond well to me
They are the ones who don’t go out and spend their time with family or at home on the weekends taking care of pets
I find them in my building
At the docs offices I go to
It’s not flashy or super exciting
Girls I would’ve thought were boring
I associated girls with drama and chaos or depression
I intermixed my soul and body with them
I miss them sometimes
But I am finally getting what I truly wanted slowly and purposely
I’m not as impulsive
I’m much calmer
Much more aligned with my thoughts and actions
I like me for once
Not performing for others
I didn’t ever want to face my demons
These last 9 weeks have been the hardest of my life but the most rewarding
Learning to be with myself
Learning to be sober with others
Learning to actually enjoy life
Learning to be present
Learning how not to be so obsessed with anything really
That obsession destroyed me
It also made me who I am
If I’m obsessed at all now, it’s with keeping my peace
It’s a calm obsession
Much healthier
I’m much more used to it
The new tribe is coming
In the meantime, I connect and create
Until next time,
-BTSC