Like a Rabbit Into the Briar-Patch
Every woman I know has been raped
Except my mother and my brothers wife
The girls I know personally always seem to tell me their entire life story
As if I could handle it
It never gets easier to hear
My ex was raped at knifepoint by her ex at 16
We were in the same room of her parents beach house where it happened
We had all driven as a large group from our college for 25 hours to meet her parents then go to this beach house
Just a fun first spring break college at the time
We were both 19
This had happened 3 years before
On the way to the beach house
My car got pulled over
The guy who owned the car said we could all smoke weed in there
I said are you sure? We aren’t in Colorado anymore
We are going to be driving across multiple state lines, some to this day who still don’t take marijuana lightly
I said if he took the fall if anything happened then that was fine
He agreed
There were 4 of us total
3 of us drove, my best friend didn’t and we didn’t really trust him at the time
He got blacked out a lot and he was not trustworthy for many things especially getting across state lines while driving high out of his mind
Now we had gone for about 10 hours or so into the border of Kansas City/Missouri City
That city is on both state lines
We got pulled over by the not so friendly Missouri cops
Guess who was driving?
OFC me
They had been tailing for some time then I spotted them
We had been smoking a joint for some time but had put it out 10 minutes or so before
Keep in mind we had Colorado plates and the guy was waiting for me to make a mistake
So I changed lanes to get out of his way and he came right over
I got pulled over for quick lane change or some lame ass shit
I had even signaled
I’ve been pulled over many times
Once going over 80 in a 40 and the cop was about to call for back up since I was moving so fast heading towards 90MPH weaving in and out of traffic
My dad had recently been in the hospital so I wasn’t thinking straight
I had driven that road hundreds of times as it was on my way to school
Including once in the rain under the influence of Vicodin and some wine
Extremely dangerous and I do not do this anymore
I uber if I’m drinking
So the cop pulls us over and we had lots of weed on us and edibles. One guy had an adderall pill in a plastic bag inside a Peanut Butter Jar
Like the dogs could smell that
But it was hidden at least
Didn’t even need dogs though I believe they brought them out
We were put on the side of the road
I had brought my scale with me but I had left it in my ex’s car
Was intending to sell weed to my friends there
They also had the Molly we were planning on taking there for the first time, a hrder drug for most of us
Something deep down in me knew to put that in the other car
I knew about these types of cops and we shouldnt have been smoking at all
But probably would have been busted anyway as the whole car smelled like weed
My friend was saying we should split the rap
I said if I had done something wrong on the road, then I woulda
But he was right next to me and new I didn’t do anything
So he took the rap as he promised if anything were to happen
The two guys in the back seat had eaten edibles and they were higher than a kite as well as passed out
My best friend was freaking out as he already got put in the drunk tank in college and his mom was strict as fuck
I’m surprised she even let him go
That had taken a big edible too at least 25-75mg THC
Their eyes were as red as the Devils Dick
It was obvious
They cops had actually not reported half the shit so I guess they got high out of their minds soon after
The trip already started out god awful
Setting the tone to one of my worst nightmares
After finally getting to the beach house, we started drinking immeditely
This was my first real week long drink fest
I never did this again as I felt cravings for alcohol for days after and even had some when we got back
We smoked and drank until late
Everyday I woke up there — someone was drinking however my ex and I got up the latest
We had the best room in the house or so I thought
One night had to be the second or third night
We all took molly
Which is similar to MDMA or Ecstasy
She was getting frisky with a wood pole upstairs as my two other friends would say that I should go see her
She ended up getting engaged to one of them as I knew they had a thing for each other
They broke it off after he wanted 3 ways all the time
I for sure thought they would marry
Anyway I go upstairs like well time to bang
The sex was movie quality
It was like being in a movie and was the best shit ever
I realized I have had that sex sober with her as I type this and even with my girl
You don’t need molly to get there
But at the time is was wild, intense, and the best thing ever
Until it wasn’t
She started freaking out thinking I was her ex who raped her in that room
I had no idea about this until this point
We stopped and I kept telling her
It’s me
It’s just me
I would never do anything like that to you
She would try to engage again and then would freak out a bit
Hyperventilating saying don’t hurt me, using the other guys name
I said my name over and over
Held her tight
It was hours like she had held me when my uncontrollable rage sparked at my roommate when he put me on the ground
I looked at the ceiling thinking I had done something wrong
Just like with the cops
Why did everything seem to be going so bad?
I’m sure my childhood was popping up subconsciously saying you did all of this
The usual scapegoat
She ended up telling me all the details the next day
I was in shock, the molly was fading but had a nice afterglow
My best friend was blackout drunk at 11 AM
He had been drinking since 8
I convinced him to run into the ocean
For some reason he stripped out of his swimtrunks and ran straight naked into the water
This was a private beach with very well to do people
The Inventor of Advil had his house nearby
A huge 3 story beach house the size of Disneyland
Immediately, the guy at the gate came by
Just security but my friend thought he was a cop
And went insane crying saying don’t take him in
Completely incoherent
Security said to get him under control or he would call the real cops
The security may have called her parents but he left us alone for some reason
Things were starting to look up and the rest of the trip we drank, took small doses of molly, and smoked
Mostly hung out
The chaos was overwhelming
People picked up something was just not right with my girl and I
We weren’t fighting or anything
But I wouldn’t tell anybody about this until years later when I broke down on my birthday at a nice restaurant with my mom and brother
She had brought something up about the topic and I was drinking and something hit a nerve
I couldn’t stop sobbing
This was a place where 5 waiters would come up to you at a time
I had to tell her and unfortunately my brother too
My mom was shocked
See in South Africa if you even skipped class it was considered delinquency and the world ended or something
This other girl I know from SA was so naive and green
They don’t even know what drugs are or crime or anything
That was all for the black people in the slums( I hung around mostly white kids in college and they are bat shit fucking insane if not more so at times to the point I have friends from all different races and backgrounds now)
It’s like a bubble around the white people protecting them from all evils
Except my moms old friend, who had a terribly abusive father
I’ve visited and the people are pure, happy go lucky, most naive people I had ever seen
My moms brother had a daughter who needed crutches her whole life
He is one of the most respectable, kind loving persons I had ever met
The slums in SA were no joke
Hell on earth as I saw them for miles on end
That’s where they did the drugs, that’s where women were raped, that’s where the insane black people lived
Especially during the apartheid
I heard SA isn’t the same, extremely dangerous unless you are from there and can navigate it
My brother and his wife were going to go
They are not very street savvy and we were all worried they would be kidnapped
His wife is extremely bright but very naive to this world
That’s really what you want in a girl
The insurmountable trauma most of these girls have is wild
I’ve always been attracted to gorgeous wild women
It’s like I know I shouldn’t
Like here’s this Mexican or Chinese girl or crazy white girl
I know I shouldn’t cum inside them
But I did almost every single time
I don’t know how I don’t have any kids
I had to get an abortion once, which I believe I already have talked about here
To me, the sweetest girls have seen the most
That’s what initially attracts me
My sweet side comes out
My angry side goes away
I hand them the keys to the emotional side and when that trauma comes back up
I used to dissociate because I was so high
Now I get angry because I am still this boy processing trauma from my youth and twenties becoming the man I so aspired to be
I can feel the change
The calm that I always craved
Did I stir the pot?
Sure
This is what made me so successful with socializing and women in general
People liked to be riled up in a playful way
Showed the ropes
Come into this guys section, let’s go to the DJ booth
Let’s hang out with the strippers
They wonder who am I
So do I
The boy who would get into trouble then recede into his room to listen to music
I fell in love with rap music
Those guys seemed to get it
The drug dealing, the women, the chaos
I loved the base
I loved how they just say whatever is on their mind
I loved how they did whatever they wanted
But there is a lot of hate in that music
I haven’t listened to much on the couch in the last few weeks being here icing my ankle
When I tried so hard for attention I would never get it
When I didn’t give a fuck I would
When I tried to get sex, I wouldn’t
When I didn’t give af I would
If you are desperate for anything
That thing comes forced or not at all
You will scare it away like a deer into the forest
Like a rabbit into the briar-patch
Like a thief into the night
Until next time,
-BTSC
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