I'm Still Alive but I'm Barely Breathing

I awoke in fight or fight mode at 5:00AM

Yes you read that write

The red pill was right

The women are all the same

But are they?

I thought she was the one?

Do we have a one?

Who am I without her?

Been dissociating all morning

Where I am?

Who am I?

I had to say my full name to remember

I finally got up at 9 sharp

I burst into tears

Had I ever done that before?

I can’t ever remember awaking to tears

Anger sure

He’s my old buddy to scare everyone off

To protect me

But tears?

I’ve cried so much this past month

The last year I would only cry under the influence of whippets aka nitrous

That was the only way I could feel those feelings and think I was sorting them out

This break up is too similar to my last

I told her it would go the same way

Last time my throat was closing from a rare condition called EoE

Right before my birthday

The exact same time period

Except this was two weeks earlier

This time I have a bad ankle sprain

7 years ago almost to the day

I’m not sure if I already knew this was over

I’m trying to act as if it is

I said to her I wanted to see how we would be in two months which is where I wanted to reevaluate everything in my life and slowly start introducing things back

We both lost ourselves in that relationship

She was my fiance at one point where I broke up with her in December

This time she called me and couldn’t say it but I knew

She didn’t know how it all worked

We both know logically we can’t be in a relationship

We both have too much stuff to deal with right now

But it felt like she broke up with me more than I her

When we got back together the first time this year it was a second honeymoon phase

Never had that with my first ex

Her and I thrived on feeling that intense love

We thrived when had to survive

We can’t thrive when we are thriving

We are both survivors and only know how to do that

Now we are thriving separately so it’s natural to assume that we can’t thrive together

But I’ve always thought she was the one

We don’t have a ton in common but we understand each other

More than any girl has understood me

She says I understand her humor and no one else does

But I have to admit I don’t think its that funny

I just get it

I guess it wasn’t meant to be

All I know is I don’t wanna keep rushing back to her, drugs, sex, validation, and any external stimuli to feel better

I didn’t numb out last night

The morning of I very extrmely depressed outta no where

I thought I was grieving my old ego and I was because tears filled my eyes but not the usual billowing kind

I finally got to feeling better

Was playing Warzone with my brother when she called

Hasn’t felt like a relationship in 2 months

She wrecked her car

She’s craving her mom being around who abandoned her and keeps doing it

When she feels abandoned she drops the dead weight

Which this time was me

I called her back after our game

I was already understanding

I knew

I got a bit mad and said I was going to throw her shoes out the window

But we all know I wasn’t going to do that

Then I cried

She said she may after

She said she still loved me

We ended the call after an hour

With my first ex she was brutal

She called and in 10 mins I couldn’t even listen

I threw the phone aside and howled with pain

And I was on Vicodin which is supposed to ease it

It tore me to shreds

This one was different

But also the same

I had no healthy outlets when my first ex called and I couldn’t eat solid foods

This time I can write, podcast, stay sober, connect with my excellent support system, tweet about shit, host a spaces, help others

Then I just ran with exercise, vicodin, and weed

And tried to get back in the game asap

Went and had a rebound relationship a month later

It helped push me forward to get my own place

To study game

I became obsessed

I was already looking at red pill content the month before my first ex broke up with me

I’m going to say their names

Her name was Grace

My first love

I knew we would never marry the first month lying in bed one Saturday

You can try to logically explain it all away but the feelings come and go

We were young and she had her own issues

The guy always comes out on top I know that

I even told my new Ex Hannah that she would never find someone like me

Girls have agreed before

Manipulative or not I know its true

I’m unique like my brother and best friend

My best friend has a similar story but different as they made it work without forcing it

My brothers looks like it’s the pinnacle of a healthy relationship

They both worked hard for their lives

They deserve everything

I barely tried

Ya I threw myself into game to understand woman to never be hurt again

But I was hurt even in the mini relationships I had

I don’t know if marriage is in the cards for me

Who would want me?

Why would I want them?

It’s too hard

I have to heal first before I can think of anything intense

Right now everything is suffering because of it

Well not everything

I’m discociating hard again

Each line I type is next to impossible

Pain and suffering are becoming my best friends

The years of running from them

They sit beside me comforting me now

My hands are so heavy as I type

My heart hurts

I’m in my living room

Supposed to be living but I feel like I’m dying

Just as I reach a milestone another thing comes my way

I feel like a cracked bottle, not shattered to a million pieces like with Grace

But cracked holding on without entering fight or flight

Denial or anger

I know those will surface

Everything will again

I was going to swim again but I can hardly breathe

I feel like a weigh a million pounds

I know I will come out of all of this a better man

This time I face the pain

I know it’s name

I’m familiar with it now

I don’t think I ever have been happy

Moments of it but I don’t think fully

Chemical induced happiness

Girl induced happiness

Chaos and disruption

My CNS doesn’t even know what to do

Today I take it hour by hour

This month has felt like the longest month ever but also the shortest

Running from everything was exhausting

Now they wait at my door and come one by one

Like that scene in airplane where they all line up to slap that person with various objects

I wonder what will come next

The line is never ending it seems

I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live

Especially as that old guy I knew

I want the true me to surface

Underneath this garbage

Rehab at home in many different ways

I didn’t have a healthy relationship with anything

Especially myself

How could I possibly have a healthy relationship with another?

Goodbye Hannah

I love you so much,

-BTSC