I’ve been addicted to almost everything
My crippling 13 year marijuana addiction
My addiction to opiates
Nicotine
Gave myself a caffeine addiction this year to see the hype
A see why people like it
But it was easy to quit like didn’t even think about it for more than a day
Nicotine I quit by smoking more weed
Usually I replaced vices with more vices
I noticed I needed less weed if I had more women
Or If I could go out and perform for validation or attention
I would always dress the opposite of everyone
For example in college in Boulder everyone dressed like a hobo
That’s how I met my college best friend
We both looked at each other at the bus stop for the college bus to campus
We lived in Will Ville right off campus in bigger style dorms
I said who tf is this hobo?
He was like who is the preppy kid?
I wore only Brooks Brothers as my father taught me
Eventually I had a concoction of all those style of clothes to polo underwear, to Ferragamo Italian Loafers
I was always dressed to impress and I stuck out like a sore thumb
I even taught the frat how to dress years later in Frattire
My public speaking is my number 1 fear but I have a feeling that won’t make me as scared anymore
So I only did one or two until I told someone else to take it over
My fear had let me not be able to teach
I guised it with saying Oh well didn’t want to, let’s smoke weed, take some bars, or whatever drugs were around
One time I bought 100 tabs of acid to sell the the frat
I sold 30 overnight
A lot of them tripped balls and too hard
One guy took three tabs
I told him not to
I would take a full one or even just half
In this period I started taking halves every few days, mix it with some xanax or weed or heroin once
Heroin and acid were wonderful
Felt like my soul and ego were dancing for once
Remember the heroin was sold to us as Opium
I figured it out fast that it wasn’t
So did another
But we didn’t care
As far as I’m concerned all the drugs are heroin for me
Weed was by far the hardest to quit
I had smoked spice before
But weed was always there for me
Even though it made me feel like a paranoid anxious wreck
That was my familiar chaos I grew up with so I escaped with it too
My mom is the only sober person I know
I define sober free from all substances even caffeine or nicotine
She has white tea now and then which has like 8mg of caffeine and she likes chocolate
She has bags of the stuff like drugs but only allows herself 2-4 squares a day
My brother is an addict for coffee and would shit his brains out all day for it
I’m going to suggest he boof it
Check out online coffee enemas
There is a couple addicted to it
Caffeine is very powerful if you have no tolerance
I know most people reading this have a caffeine addiction
It’s the most used drug in the world
I started with a food addiction
Ate my feelings as my dad was in the hospital
Said I wouldn’t do that and dropped from 215 to 155 in 3 months or so
When I went to college I didn’t want to eat as that’s all the fatass Texans know how to do
I also didn’t want to play video games either my other addiction and many of you have had that before too
So I didn’t
I filled the void with endless weed, endless friends, endless attention from girls, the guys, then the drugs at the end
I was nicknamed Dr. P after an edible
After being labeled Bill Clinton, Peter North the pornstar
I’ll let you guess why
I thought I was a god
People worshipped the ground I walked on
I was nice to everyone
Made friends everywhere I went
When I didn’t like them anymore
I got rid of them and made them suffer
I hurt my roommate, my big, my gf
They had hurt me too so why not right?
Well the old me even a month ago woulda said fuck em
They all helped me in their own ways
They were fighting their own demons
My big had a bad break up and his dad died
I told him I was there for him but he never wanted to talk
Eventually living with him was awful even before all that
I only enjoyed living with chill people at the end of college
It was two guys who kept to themselves mostly
And my best friend
The year before was decent too with a girl, this gay guy who was super nice, and still my big though
I wanted my best friend
We took over the house the final year like my Big had done
No wonder the other two stayed in their rooms
Devin and Evan were their names
One was from the frat
We liked each other but kept our distance
Same pledge class
We used to workout when we saw each other
He didn’t relate to all the weed and drugs
He liked drinking though but then that slowly bored him I could tell
We didn’t leave on the best of notes because I knew I would have to clean the basement
It was everyone else’s shite and he suggested I start there
I threw a fit in my room
Slamming doors and being crazy barred out
Remember I don’t like being assigned what to do or told what to do at all
Who does?
But I was damned back then if anyone would
Now I listen and determine if I need to listen
If I’m getting out of line
I usually confer with myself though or my best friend or brother will say something
He’s like your a narcissist
I said OFC I am, you just figured that out
Been trying to lower that trait as it is the hardest one to do
Took a test and was off the charts
28 out of 32
One of the tests you aren’t supposed to score high on
Celebs are 18
When I tell you I thought I was God on earth
I meant it
Used to have my brother pray to me
My gf was praying 2 years ago and I said she should pray to me
Dead serious at the time
Now I realize we all have this god like potential
Are we using it for the right reasons?
I have been a forgiving god and a angry one like in the bible
But I am only human
However, to become more powerful and actually god like you need to create something
I’ve created things before to prove something to myself, others, out of fomo, to even help like Hydr8
Not interesting to me anymore
Would throw it into the villagers well and tell them I blessed it for strength, fortitude, and good fortune
Give them the placebo effect and hydrated
They would drink too much and shit their brains out but you get the point
What do we do with this god like energy given to us by God?
Do we create or destroy?
I liked to do both for so long
Now I like to mainly create
I am destroying my old ego, healing from my past, leading the trauma healing since I have the most experience out of anyone I know
I have done biofeedback therapy, biomodulation therapy, talk therapy, and if you don’t do the actions like this
Then it matters not
Those are tools but you must use them to dig
To drill
To find what you enjoy
I’ve introduced video games back in my life to connect with my brother and best friend
I’m playing oblivion because it’s from my past and it’s symbolic of my growth
I used to get so upset and could barely play
Now I go through it with utter ease
I don’t escape into these games
I don’t play everyday
I only play 1-4 hours and only 1-2 at a time
If I do three it’s because I’m connecting with my friend or my past self
Remember I can’t exercise right now like I want to because of my ankle
Also exercise was an escape compeltely
I would dissociate in the gym
After a swim I would feel awful thinking that was the cure
I’d walk around for hours hoping to feel better and it would barely help
Any of these biohacking tools you see online are useless if you don’t have a solid foundation
Like building a house on a shitty foundation
Any minor storm could blow it apart or away
The only way you can quit is by connecting and creating
There is no other way
This is also the way to fight your demons
Use them as fuel
Find outlets
Could be writing, cooking, reading, making a website
I don’t know
You do
You always have until the world told you that you need external stimuli like women, coffee, shit tier food, drugs, validation, comparing yourself to others
All that keeps you in a cycle
Forever
You won’t ever know who you truly are
All I know is that won’t be me and I hope it won’t be you either
Until next time,
-BTSC