How to Come to Terms With Death

4 years ago you left

Your were too good for this world, Pops

That what my ex always said to me

She appeared in my dreams again last night

7 weeks since the break up with the woman I was engaged to who I thought would raise my children

See years ago I wanted to die just to go see my father

Now I want to live so he can see me

He comes by in the form of a bird most days

The divine has a way to reach you

Also days like this years ago I would have gone down to get some nitrous and booze

Sat there huffing while listening to music until I burst into tears inevitably at the end of the day

Today I write

I create

It get easier every year and as I come near the end of my 90 day trauma cleanse

This is even easier than it may appear

I went to visit his favorite book store yesterday

Murder by the Book

We used to go there all the time when I was little

One of the person’s behind the counter recognized them name

He spent so much money on books he could’ve bought the bookstore

He taught me to love mystery books

Not that Shakespearean shite both him and I studied in school

We were both English majors

He was thrilled when he heard

He said “ You can teach English or dig ditches”

I chose neither

I went into stocks like he did starting smaller then moving my way up with my own account

He taught me that at a young age

“Pick the companies you like”

I now have an ironclad portfolio that I have been working on for almost a decade

He wrote a book once about a nudist colony where the people there got married and wore the guys foreskin as a wedding band

Weird shit

No wonder he couldn’t get it published

He also wrote a lot of poems only he could understand

The only times I saw him cry was when he put our Jack Russel Tina down

And when he read his poetry

Tina was literally attached to his hip when he read everyday

My mom has a dog like that and she didn’t like Tina but absolutely loves this one named Melody

Or as we call her Meli

The day that dog dies, my mom will be a wreck

She hardly has ever cried too

She’s tougher than my entire dad’s side combined

Made from the Bowels of Africa

South Africa

Pro Tennis player

A woman?

Playing tennis in the 80s?

Her mother did NOT approve

My mom DGAF

My dad never gave a fuck either

That’s why I’m their first born

We don’t give a fuck

Constantly breaking rapport

My mom has the mouth of a sailor

Her favorite word used to be fuck before we were born

Everyone loves her

Not many people liked my dad

Because he also didn’t give af

If you don’t give af

Then who cares whether people like you or not

There are some people I could twist their heads off and I swear I’d laugh

His dad raced a guy down a street

The guy slammed into a bus

And he went off cackling like a madman

The scarier thing about it

Is he was a BONE doctor

They called him bones

Another time my grandfather’s dog bit off another dogs ear

The neighbor came over and started yelling at bones

My dad was sitting in the sand pit young as hell

Bones got tired of him and hit him square in the nose

Blood gushed everywhere

Bones I hear could be a piece of work himself

But my father had only him and his Austrian Stepmom

His father and mother had switched spouses??

She went off to France with the daughter

They both didn’t want the middle child, my Uncle

Talk about trauma

Even worse shit I won’t air out here happened in France

My Austrian Grandma was the biggest character I knew

We were sitting down about to eat Thanksgiving Brunch or maybe it was Easter

This happened at the University Club where my parents met

The waitress asked “Do you want a bloody Mary?”

“No I want a Mimosa” in her strong Austrian accent

As if the lady dare ask such a trifling question

My dad must have ordered one

I hate bloody Mary’s

I would’ve said the same thing

Another time she went with her plate and was going to go eat in the men’s room where she thought are table was

I had to say you do not want to go in there with all the old dongs

Or maybe she did

She was always heavy handed pouring far too much cream in her coffee

Squeezing the lemon until it flew across the room

Pouring a barrel of chlorine in her pool

So dark you couldn’t see the bottom

Her chimney was so dusty you could look at it and sneeze

Her condiments were from 1993

She would say shit like “I don’t eat lunch”

Then proceed to scarf down two hot dogs from James Coney Island

He loved going over there so he could smoke inside

The cleanest thing in her house were the ashtrays

Her clothes were marked with burn holes as she never ashed her cigarette

Her cat ran away

One was dead behind the couch for God knows how long

My aunt visited her once and stayed in the attic

The walls in the bathroom started moving she said

There were roaches everywhere

My Aunt saved each one

Took her all night

One time the house was invested with flees

She said “They don’t bother me”

My dad and I left

He said leave your socks on the porch

She also drove her big tank of a Mercedes into this brick wall on an easy left turn

She said” It came out of no where” LOL

She died at 90 something because she wouldn’t wear that pussy ass life alert

My mom and I were chasing down a taco truck for some fucking reason

We got a call from the maid

She was hysterical and said “Eva is dead”

Her cat that stuck around was on top of her

My dad said they needed to burn the house down

They tore it down soon after

So now you see why I don’t fear death?

Visiting the crazy ass people would be more entertaining than anything going on down here

This world sucks half the time

Bores me to death

Until the future gets here

Right now I am enjoying it much like I did when Halo first came out for Xbox Live

But if you have my brain it’s terribly drab and boring

And I am hardly ever bored

Would rather hang out with the dead greats than listen to these losers here on earth nowadays

PC

Soft as white bread

Gay trans this and that

They should just off themselves

I’d help them do it

Concentration camps may be good for these types

They need to learn how to CONCENTRATE together

I swear if I wasn’t so nice

I’d be the next Hitler

Only I’d get rid of way more people

That’s why I’m doing all this trauma bullshit

Because I’d trade the entire world for my dad

That’s when you don’t fear death

You only fear not seeing him in death

I am also too good for this world

Most don’t get it

They never will

Too asleep at the wheel

I want to give someone a hug then just rip his head off

Just to see how it feels

I’m not a killer but don’t tempt me

I’ve been too kind for so long now

I’ve almost been looking for a fight

But who would fight me?

I can’t even fight

My eyes say it all

I’ve scared people half to death with just them

I don’t need words even

My eyes are my weapon

I can pierce your soul

Contemplate your pathetic existence on this earth

What will you do about it?

Fall into dust

That I blow away

Not only do I not fear death

I embrace it fully

The great ones already left

I’ll be stuck here leading an army of plebs if you guys don’t wake up

So wake TF UP

I’m tired of it

Most of you think you are so smart

Are not an NPC

But you are

I can tell

Just because everyone woke up more in the last 5 years doesn’t mean anything

I’ve been here my whole life

I’ve been waiting since 2015

You’re grossly unimpressive

Couldn’t hurt a fruit fly

Have no experience

Have no deaths

Have nothing

You aren’t even alive

Dead man walking

Are you infuriated yet?

Until you get so mad

I won’t stop

That’s the first step to waking up

Get so angry about your pathetic existence that you have an aneurysm

Get here with me

Or continue to be a mouth breathing faggot

IDC either way

I go forward and will attract exactly what I deserve

Until next time,

-BTSC