How to Become More Present
Between the grief and despair
The brief moments of joy and longer ones of anger
Hopelessness and loneliness
I learned my greatest ally was to be loyal to the moment
Whether that was staring out the window with rushing thoughts at first
Until I started counting all the red roofed houses and noticing the sand colored homes
I had looked out this window many times before
But only seemingly seeing it the first time now
I started counting every stroke in the pool
Same as you would with weights
I started noticing my hands for the first time
Well I had seen them when my mind was slowed down by the drug Gabapentin I was prescribed years ago
But this was me sober now
I started noticing even the smallest details in my apartment
From scratches to every light placement
I started enjoying chores more
Especially as my ankle healed
It was just nice to be able to move around smoothly
I went on my first walk yesterday
It was wet and slippery out
I walked slow but slow and steady is the game now
There is no rush
I was addicted to worrying, adrenaline, and stress
Something to do
Now there are times where my brain feels completely shut off and I think I am brain dead
I think I am bored
But the dust has settled and it’s not boredom
It’s peace
I mistook boredom for peace for so many years
Any and all distractions were welcome
Just to feel something
Now I can just exist
The weight on my shoulders has dropped the baggage of the last decade
My dreams still process residual effects of my past
Right now its focused on the high school and college parts and even some of my past nightlife days
I had people I hated there that I didn’t care were there
I had sex with a girl I’ve always liked when the party was over
I drank but didn’t over do it
I was having a sleep routine when I first started
Now I just do the basics
Hop in bed and go to sleep in 15-30 mins
My mind is at ease
My brain, body, and soul have healed
They are aligned
With daily PT on my neck, shoulders, and ankle
Every Thursday an adjustment and modalities
And seeing the receptionist girl on my way out is just a bonus
I have her number now
I never ever got a number sober
Never could do anything until I was fucked up
Even just high after having sex and having the environment do all the work for me
Helping me meet my ex
Things naturally unfold now
The environment still does some of the work
But I enjoy talking with everybody
Filterless
Non approval seeking
Present
Full attention
Shameless
I have fun with everything I am doing
If I’m not I go put myself into a quiet room and write stuff down
Then I’m usually out of the funk within the hour
I dissociate almost never
I day dream less
Fantasize less
The results come in whether I notice or not
They aren’t flashy
There is no applause
But I can feel it in my body and mind
I pray more
Way more
Not out of guilt or desperation
Out of joy and gratefulness
Everyone else seems to be chasing something
Except my brother and best friend
One guy I know who I’ve gone out with for years
Is like “ya I have been really not like going out and get bored blah blah blah ok I may go out tomorrow”
Wut?
If you don’t like something
Don’t do it
Just because that’s all you know
He also said there is more to life than drinking and partying
But that’s all he still does
He could write like this
Tell stories
He has a massive IG following
He could go anon
I feel bad but there is nothing I can do
I get tired of feeling bad for everyone
You need to learn how to travel along life’s pathway
That’s enjoying this moment and if you can’t
You need to sit down and figure out why
Why are you unhappy?
Sad?
Anxious?
Angry?
Why can’t you sit still?
Why do you never travel?
Why do you keep moving cities?
Why do you non stop travel?
Why is it you do the things you do?
Do you even know who you are?
Have you sat with yourself to know?
Do you really know what you like to do?
Or just think you do?
Do you create anything worthwhile or anything at all?
Do you understand that time is all you have before you are stuck in a old age home or dead?
Everyone is so “busy” all the time
Sure
Busy doing nothing
The busiest people I know never say they are
They just go do what they know needs to be done
The others say how they are busy on their hamster wheel
They take 0 risks
They have 0 drive
They have a soul crushing job
No matter where they live it never works
They don’t know what they want out of life
Worried about the future
Depressed from the wasted past
A long tortuous life
The rest of us the days are too short
No matter what we are doing
The time with family is never enough
The time with friends neither
The real parts of life
Actually enjoying women
Enjoying writing
Reading
Movement
Creation
Working on our business
My business right now is being here and not worrying about shit
Everything seems to just come to me
It just clicks
I don’t need to worry about what I’m doing next
My body and mind just seem to gravitate towards what I need to do
I hardly double check
If I do then I change something like take a short road trip
Read something I wouldn’t usually
Go out and get sun
Run a strange errand
Sip water slow
Eat slow
Wake up when I need to
Go to sleep when I need to
Nothing worries me and sometimes that worries me lol
The chores just seemingly do themselves
I’ll remember when cleaning utensils and the next thing I know all of the dishes are done and put away
Like I hardly remember doing it at all
The groceries get done
The trash taken out
Packages picked up
Everything seems to just refill itself
I was like one day in the future all of this stuff with never run out and just refill itself
Well it does that now because I’m just so present and aware of what need to get done
That is just gets done
I noticed a sudden change in my portfolio
I called my broker and he explained it to me
I was going to start worrying about taxes but then I realized they were offset
I just used to love worrying
My dad’s side favorite thing
My car battery died this week and I would have been in a huge funk a year ago
Now I got it all solved
Car got cleaned
Gave them 10 star rating
Shook hands at the dealership
It took all day for me to fix it and then it was kept in the shop overnight
Making multiple calls and visits to the dealership
I didn’t ruin my day at all
I hated that dealership before
They have terrible reviews
Oh well they are close and the main guy took very good care of me
I don’t know if it’s because I’m genuinely nice
He said the ratings don’t matter except a 10
I said I got you man
The NPCs just stare and look away quickly
The realer people hold eye contact and explain things
I find the real people everywhere I go now
It makes life way more enjoyable
The people asleep don’t bother me
The homeless don’t bother me
I have 0 dread now
You can to
Start noticing your world
The colors
The way your thoughts flow
Manage your emotions with stillness, movement and creation
No matter how bad you have it
You can always find your way down life’s path
There is always a solution
Sometimes it’s doing nothing at all
Until next time,
-BTSC
Send me a voice message and I’ll answer any of your questions either in a podcast or a voice message back
You will be anonymous
Click here