Everything Reminds Me of Them
Everything reminds me of them
Sometimes when I think about my ex, flashes of my old life appear
I knew everything would remind me of her in my city
In the beginning even Advil did
Now it’s more normal stuff I see
We lived together for 2 years and I’m still in the same apartment but this place always felt like home
She said it never did for her
Not that many places did since she was adopted
But this wasn’t one of them
I designed it to be a bachelor pad near the skydeck, pool, and some restaurants
Just in case something happened
To protect myself as usual
Already the wrong intentions
Now when I think of an errand I need to do — I think about her
Then flashes of the girl I lost my virginity to pops up— She Od’ed
Then my first ex — she didn’t die but it felt like it
Then my dad—also is dead
Then my past life in college, post grad, and late twenties appear
How it was so gloriously imperfect
So it’s layers of grief because I never bothered to deal with any of it
From my unborn child
All the way to some things buried so deep some will remain a secret forever
Something seemed to change in me yesterday
Memorial Day
A big shift into my new identity
It’s not flashy
It doesn’t draw eyes
It’s not performative
But I connect well with others now
I am just in a light flow state
With people I see we can chat about whatever
With people I know well we can go deeper
My best friend from college told me about his past wounds this weekend
His ex cheated on him with a dude who was 20 while they were 15-16
The 20 year old took pics and sent them to him
He told a friend and the friend told the whole school
She sat behind him everyday because their lasts names were close
I felt like I had been stabbed
No wonder he is with the girl he is right now
She would never do that because she looks so bad no one would want to do that
She is a terrible person in many ways, he had to call off the wedding twice, one is 5 days away and she just asked when I was getting into town
She’s in denial and he is trying to break up with her
But I get it
He will have to go down memory lane at some point
He’s been pretty much on autopilot for the last decade or so too
So was I in a different way
Chasing highs, chaos, lows even, validation, intense parties, a threesome that hurt my ex so bad, anything to get something new and exciting
There is this concept known as the 3 loves
Not sure if it applies to everyone but it resonates hard with me
The first one is a young ideal one
My ex and I were from the south, I loved her parents
She loved mine I think
I knew I would never marry her 3 weeks in
But emotion seems to trump every time if you are run by it
I was too high to do anything
I didn’t understand how people could do life sober
I didn’t know what the point was
I just wanted to be happy, dumbed down, numbed out
Who would want to feel this shite?
Well turns out you have to one day
Whenever your breaking point is otherwise you continue to do the same stuff forever
The very definition of insanity
I never knew what to write about before this
Now I could write every single day
Usually comes to mind when I’m in the shower in the morning
At first I was like I have to write NOW
Now I can just let things flow and get to my laptop when I need to
There are no stages of grief they come and go
I had a great day yesterday as my system took a break
Today I have a melancholy sadness but I’m happy to be moving into my new self
The self that was always there
I can be alone with my thoughts now
I had an intense craving for nitrous on Sunday because I had a massive headache
Then that led to some emotional stuff that I wrote about and sang away
Every time I write, podcast, talk with someone, connect with myself deeply and others, the load lightens a bit
Before with all of this I would just get super angry and burst into tears especially on nitrous
Anger was my go to emotion though
Upset about anything I could find
It drove me for so long
I wondered how everyone was so dumb
Then I realized we are all retarded in our own ways
Some of the stuff we can help
25-50% is our fault
Sometimes it is 100% our fault
Then you look back and realize 0% of it was your fault
My friends ex doing that
My dad going into the ER
None of it was our fault
How we responded to it was though
I mean we have some crazy stories and things my friends couldn’t believe
People that I had known since I was a baby were watching my stories on FB and IG
To them I was Dan Bilzerian
To me I wasn’t even close and would never be
His life has always sort of mimicked mine
We even stopped smoking weed at the same time
I didn’t want the exact same lifestyle but I knew I could create my own version of it
People would be blown away
I also had been in one of his affiliate programs so some people actually thought I hung around with him or worked for him
I did neither
I also scouted girls for a local agency but made no money
However, they would often know who I was and I wouldn’t have a clue who they were
We had talked on the phone and I hung around the older guys who were photographers with hundred of thousands of followers
I’ll tell you one thing
The followers don’t buy you happiness
Some are rooting for you
Others watch to see when you will fall
The more you have the more you have of both
Right now if this was the only amount of people I could reach
That would be enough for me
Everything seems to be enough for me nowadays
I’m not chasing anymore
I’m building something bigger
Something relatable and real
This style content for example
A close friend group that I barely see but hear from near daily
I’m cutting out the noise
The excess drama
The thunder
The biggest part of the storm seems to have passed
I’m not sure if I’m in the eye of the hurricane or If I’m in the clean up stages
TBH when I started all of this 5 weeks ago it was making landfall at category 4 or 5
2 weeks ago I dissociated so hard when my ex and I were done
It meant everything was done
I had been writing about not wanting the way I felt to end
Then that ended
Every time I feel good I think something bad is going to happen
Yesterday I felt this way and it didn’t
I didn’t brace for impact
I got a nervous feeling in my stomach like well everything is good where is the bad now?
And nothing
Anytime before it happened either that day or the next
I would have thought this was bad today
But it’s not at all
It’s great in some ways
That cycle seems to be duller maybe even broken
Almost typed in years ago thats how long it has felt but also it feels like days
5 weeks
I was pre-grieving before that
Then I was like well shit is over but body hadn’t caught up yet
I had gone on a 2 day bender did coke, hurt my ankle, did nitrous, stopped on my last box and was like I’m just done
Finished them off next day
Then was fed up with everything
I wanted to stop the chaos
I didn’t want more nitrous
My friend had some for the first time in a year this Saturday
Another test
We were playing warzone and I heard the whippets
A different version he was doing but the same
I had been craving them all day
Then the next a big craving
But I never indulged
In the past even 5 weeks ago I would’ve joined him
He’s going through all that shit above and I feel for him
After we discussed the trauma I said ok let’s play a round to ground
He said okay and I immediately heard the whippets
Couldn’t help but laugh
That was me
Next day he finished some off and was hitting the vape
Next day he snorted some ritalin
He never does drugs now except this weekend
This guy and I used to do all the drugs from heroin to smoking tobacco out a bong
We had sober days too
But it was rare
Oftentimes combining a bunch of drugs together
Freshman year he smoked himself into a coma a lot
I never saw someone green out so hard
He hit clifford the big red bong and just fell over
I never knew people could green out so much
He would black out on booze every weekend sometimes twice
One time he came to me and said want to get breakfast?
I said we already went
We had all been drinking all night at the frat and he was shocked he didn’t remember breakfast
I’ve never seen someone black out at 8 AM from a night of drinking
He had put mostly creamer in his coffee
I said do you want coffee with that cream?
I knew he was still fucked up but not blacked out
I see why he went so hard now
The pain was just too much to navigate
It’s also funny as hell in one way because we created so many different memories sober or not
Never met someone so chill like him before
Funny as hell
Now I see that in a lot of people
Those close to me and those far
It’s just so pleasant
The storm has passed
The clean up has started
It’ll take a while to get over myself
Some will always sort of linger but be dulled in a way
Writing helps so much
Creating helps so much
Connection and love helps so much
I’m grateful to be here
I was running from this for so long because it seemed so boring and I’d have to feel all of this
But it is so fun and truly a blessing
I had no idea I would make it this far
Until next time,
-BTSC