Eternally Grateful

I am grateful

Yesterday in my past or even recently I would have said was a bad day

I knew at the time is wasn’t which is the first or second time I’ve caught myself saying that in the last 5 and a half weeks

I woke and immediately had thoughts of my ex, that turned into thoughts of others from my dad, the girl I lost my V card to, my first ex, and I wrote this all down in a post

My mind was flying around

I had to go deliver some hydr8 packages to this post office, located in a pharmacy

Mom and pop kinda place

I had my cane because my ankle is still hurt

Two people took forever in line

One had some many little packages after this other guy who took forever

Usually no one is even in there

But I waited 15 minutes as my ankle started swelling up

The fathers day cards around me, the kids toys around me

I have none of those even though I was planning steps to have a kid

But I knew I couldn’t with my ex

My temper and own issues and her issues combined would’ve been a nightmare for a child

She knew this too

Last night was the first night I didn’t really dream of her

I had a dream where I met another girl at this bar

And the girl who was supposed to be my ex wasn’t her

But represented the idea of her

She has my old Etizolam tablets and had eaten one or so

One was stuck on her head

I had been eating Xanax like tic tacs

And I had two shots of vodka red bulls?

I felt none of the drugs

I was with my best friend who I would go out with

He disappeared fast in the dream

There was another girl

She was calm, collected, and I was fingering her above her jeans somehow

She was into it but I was like this is wrong

My girl is right there and she understood

I was like ah I have the two girls again

So my ego was boosted

But then my ex didn’t seem to care I was with this girl

I would kiss her one time testing the waters so to speak, when the girl who represented my ex went into the bathroom

My ex would come out and didn’t seem to care

I asked how many of those Etizolam tablets had she eaten

She said one or half but had one on her head

I was like pull yourself together

My ex never ate pills but liked to drink so she was just wasted in the dream as she often got when she did drink

I still felt sober then woke with my heart racing a bit

I never wake anymore with my heart racing or scared

I thought because I was overdosing on Xanax or they were fent and what was going on with my ex

But at the end of the dream I had said I found her

The new girl who represented peace and groundedness

She represented a new life too

Not just a girl but the start of a whole new life who would understand my past

But how could I have gotten this girl or this new life?

That’s why my heart was racing as I was scared of the new life

The familiar chaos never really scared me

It made me feel alive

Even though I wasn’t really

High off validation, drama, chaos, and cocaine

All ego no soul

I was scared of a new peaceful life that I could navigate with this new girl

I thought I couldn’t have any peace unless I was alone

Women have always brought me problems but I enjoyed it

Something to fix, but deep down I knew I couldn’t

They aren’t a broken machine

I felt like something was always wrong with me so if I found someone with worse problems than mine wouldn’t be so bad

I am not broken

I’ve just been performing, running, smoking, snorting, fucking everything away

Not unlike many people

I know a lot of degens, ex degens, and people who never had anything to do with being one

No matter what path you chose it was difficult

The goody two shoes still had to work hard to get where they are

The degens often slackers but had to deal with drama and chaos, hangovers, regrets, loneliness, but it was there only escape

They often have no family or any other healthy outlets

I still do

I didn’t want to be like them nor the goody two shoes

Somewhere in the middle, with other people who understand that lifestyle, but have left

They have to not be chaotic still though

Chaos can be stuck at the airport or kayaking through an intense ocean into a cave

It can’t be just like “I survived”

He had been on a weekend trip where all his friends were doing coke and drinking

He can’t anymore so was drinking caffeine and chewing valium

As my friend who was a big ex-cokehead for 3-5 day benders with lots of champagne or wine

He would stay up for days and be totally crazy drugged out on coke, ketamine, xanax for bed, booze all day

The people would come and go

I came in one time to buy some xanax and valiums

He was up since the night before still snorting blow

I had not even eaten as I thought I would be in and out

Ended up doing some blow, k, and having some wine

Apparently very expensive wine

Finally left after a few hours and felt completely drained

My whole day was ruined and I just took more pills and smoked and ate

How many entire days I have wasted due to drugs and alcohol or being hungover which often lead to more drugs is insane

The lessons it taught me was that I wasn’t missing out on anything, there were fun times, but some of the highest highs led to the lowest lows

My brain was in knots

I started slowly distancing myself from nightlife as I thought that would solve it

Stopped smoking weed last year as I thought that would solve it

Getting engaged as I thought that would solve it

This is what people did right?

But I still clung to the chaos

Cycles of drinking and nitrous

Cocaine popped back up this year as I went out and was straight bored there so would add more fuel to the fire

It was fun in the beginning again for a couple weeks, then it quickly snowballed as I learned the new venues and people and got bored

Was always bored even doing things I enjoyed

The ADD brain is often bored

I felt like I wasn’t doing enough

In fact I was way overstimulated

Chaos I made

Chaos from that world

Chaos from my ex

I knew it had to end so I could get to shit like this

Daily writing

Weekly podcasting

Hosting spaces when I can

Treating my ankle, treating my brain

Grieving the past life of weed, my dad, my exes, the drugs, everything really

It all hit me at once

There are no flashy lights or bottles or cocaine for doing this

You don’t get a superficial reward

The reward is calm, not chasing, attracting, but it’s so weird

It doesn’t feel right yet after over a decade of chaos

It feels “boring” yet this is the most I’ve ever done into all this

Some days I have insane creative flow, other days are tough but also good

I dissociated a bit yesterday

It’s all part of the grief process

It’s like peeling an onion where your eyes water

You don’t cry but they water as you peel back layers of yourself that covers the true you

I have my old psychiatrist to help lower my benzo dose hopefully

If not I’ll go to telehealth

Not sure if I’ll ever be off them entirely but can get something like valium that is long lasting to reduce the peaks and valleys of a xanax dose

I do know that no matter what happens everything will be okay

It’s just going through the aftermath of the storm is the most difficult thing I have ever done

Last year was tough as hell

Daily dread

This year is tough but not dreadful

Because I finally get what I wanted

Even if I don’t want it some days

My options were suffer forever or die

Clearly this is the better choice

No need to suffer like that or die leaving my loved ones

It wasn’t worth it anymore

I’m grateful and excited to see what is to come

I know it will still be challenging

Daunting

Lonely

But it always was and adding more fuel to it made it worse

That dream woke me up and said you will have peace, clarity, abundance, a good girl by your side

After that who knows

But I’m eternally grateful

Until next time,

-BTSC