Eternally Grateful
I am grateful
Yesterday in my past or even recently I would have said was a bad day
I knew at the time is wasn’t which is the first or second time I’ve caught myself saying that in the last 5 and a half weeks
I woke and immediately had thoughts of my ex, that turned into thoughts of others from my dad, the girl I lost my V card to, my first ex, and I wrote this all down in a post
My mind was flying around
I had to go deliver some hydr8 packages to this post office, located in a pharmacy
Mom and pop kinda place
I had my cane because my ankle is still hurt
Two people took forever in line
One had some many little packages after this other guy who took forever
Usually no one is even in there
But I waited 15 minutes as my ankle started swelling up
The fathers day cards around me, the kids toys around me
I have none of those even though I was planning steps to have a kid
But I knew I couldn’t with my ex
My temper and own issues and her issues combined would’ve been a nightmare for a child
She knew this too
Last night was the first night I didn’t really dream of her
I had a dream where I met another girl at this bar
And the girl who was supposed to be my ex wasn’t her
But represented the idea of her
She has my old Etizolam tablets and had eaten one or so
One was stuck on her head
I had been eating Xanax like tic tacs
And I had two shots of vodka red bulls?
I felt none of the drugs
I was with my best friend who I would go out with
He disappeared fast in the dream
There was another girl
She was calm, collected, and I was fingering her above her jeans somehow
She was into it but I was like this is wrong
My girl is right there and she understood
I was like ah I have the two girls again
So my ego was boosted
But then my ex didn’t seem to care I was with this girl
I would kiss her one time testing the waters so to speak, when the girl who represented my ex went into the bathroom
My ex would come out and didn’t seem to care
I asked how many of those Etizolam tablets had she eaten
She said one or half but had one on her head
I was like pull yourself together
My ex never ate pills but liked to drink so she was just wasted in the dream as she often got when she did drink
I still felt sober then woke with my heart racing a bit
I never wake anymore with my heart racing or scared
I thought because I was overdosing on Xanax or they were fent and what was going on with my ex
But at the end of the dream I had said I found her
The new girl who represented peace and groundedness
She represented a new life too
Not just a girl but the start of a whole new life who would understand my past
But how could I have gotten this girl or this new life?
That’s why my heart was racing as I was scared of the new life
The familiar chaos never really scared me
It made me feel alive
Even though I wasn’t really
High off validation, drama, chaos, and cocaine
All ego no soul
I was scared of a new peaceful life that I could navigate with this new girl
I thought I couldn’t have any peace unless I was alone
Women have always brought me problems but I enjoyed it
Something to fix, but deep down I knew I couldn’t
They aren’t a broken machine
I felt like something was always wrong with me so if I found someone with worse problems than mine wouldn’t be so bad
I am not broken
I’ve just been performing, running, smoking, snorting, fucking everything away
Not unlike many people
I know a lot of degens, ex degens, and people who never had anything to do with being one
No matter what path you chose it was difficult
The goody two shoes still had to work hard to get where they are
The degens often slackers but had to deal with drama and chaos, hangovers, regrets, loneliness, but it was there only escape
They often have no family or any other healthy outlets
I still do
I didn’t want to be like them nor the goody two shoes
Somewhere in the middle, with other people who understand that lifestyle, but have left
They have to not be chaotic still though
Chaos can be stuck at the airport or kayaking through an intense ocean into a cave
It can’t be just like “I survived”
He had been on a weekend trip where all his friends were doing coke and drinking
He can’t anymore so was drinking caffeine and chewing valium
As my friend who was a big ex-cokehead for 3-5 day benders with lots of champagne or wine
He would stay up for days and be totally crazy drugged out on coke, ketamine, xanax for bed, booze all day
The people would come and go
I came in one time to buy some xanax and valiums
He was up since the night before still snorting blow
I had not even eaten as I thought I would be in and out
Ended up doing some blow, k, and having some wine
Apparently very expensive wine
Finally left after a few hours and felt completely drained
My whole day was ruined and I just took more pills and smoked and ate
How many entire days I have wasted due to drugs and alcohol or being hungover which often lead to more drugs is insane
The lessons it taught me was that I wasn’t missing out on anything, there were fun times, but some of the highest highs led to the lowest lows
My brain was in knots
I started slowly distancing myself from nightlife as I thought that would solve it
Stopped smoking weed last year as I thought that would solve it
Getting engaged as I thought that would solve it
This is what people did right?
But I still clung to the chaos
Cycles of drinking and nitrous
Cocaine popped back up this year as I went out and was straight bored there so would add more fuel to the fire
It was fun in the beginning again for a couple weeks, then it quickly snowballed as I learned the new venues and people and got bored
Was always bored even doing things I enjoyed
The ADD brain is often bored
I felt like I wasn’t doing enough
In fact I was way overstimulated
Chaos I made
Chaos from that world
Chaos from my ex
I knew it had to end so I could get to shit like this
Daily writing
Weekly podcasting
Hosting spaces when I can
Treating my ankle, treating my brain
Grieving the past life of weed, my dad, my exes, the drugs, everything really
It all hit me at once
There are no flashy lights or bottles or cocaine for doing this
You don’t get a superficial reward
The reward is calm, not chasing, attracting, but it’s so weird
It doesn’t feel right yet after over a decade of chaos
It feels “boring” yet this is the most I’ve ever done into all this
Some days I have insane creative flow, other days are tough but also good
I dissociated a bit yesterday
It’s all part of the grief process
It’s like peeling an onion where your eyes water
You don’t cry but they water as you peel back layers of yourself that covers the true you
I have my old psychiatrist to help lower my benzo dose hopefully
If not I’ll go to telehealth
Not sure if I’ll ever be off them entirely but can get something like valium that is long lasting to reduce the peaks and valleys of a xanax dose
I do know that no matter what happens everything will be okay
It’s just going through the aftermath of the storm is the most difficult thing I have ever done
Last year was tough as hell
Daily dread
This year is tough but not dreadful
Because I finally get what I wanted
Even if I don’t want it some days
My options were suffer forever or die
Clearly this is the better choice
No need to suffer like that or die leaving my loved ones
It wasn’t worth it anymore
I’m grateful and excited to see what is to come
I know it will still be challenging
Daunting
Lonely
But it always was and adding more fuel to it made it worse
That dream woke me up and said you will have peace, clarity, abundance, a good girl by your side
After that who knows
But I’m eternally grateful
Until next time,
-BTSC