Ego Death

Grief is a helluva drug

I’m grieving my past identity moreso than even my ex

I dream of her every night but we are just friends instead of lovers

Never have sex and if we try I say no

It’s a powerful shift I would have said no in this realm but not have meant it

Resented her and gotten mad

Last night I dreamt of us doing stuff together for the entire night

It was everything and even trying to be lovers again but it just wouldn’t work

It hadn’t been working for some time

At least a year if not longer

We got to close

We lost ourselves together

We started the relationship from a desperate place

To fill a void we thought the other could fill

Of course we had our good times

Quite a few but the theme of trauma and chaos kept rearing it’s head

I keep looking towards my past life of drugs, late nights, hangovers, intense sex, experiences I never thought I’d have

This new one seems so different

But it’s what I wanted all along

It was being buried by the noise

Today is harder than most

I can to scream in my head to wake up

My dad died almost 4 years ago, my first ex was 7 years ago, the girl I lost my virginity too died 8 or so years ago, the girl I really liked also lost both her legs around then

They decayed slowly off until they had to be removed

I had an abortion 3 years ago and a bit

I wrote a letter to the fetus

To my dad

To both Lexie’s

I’m tired of hiding names and locations

I won’t live in paranoia

I’ll still remain anon even though some know who I am

I had more followers non anon on IG and it brings the salt of the earth who literally follow you places

I don’t need that

I don’t need anything but strong connection

Connection to my first self

The 2 year old in me before my brother was born

The happy kid with no fear

No competition

No fighting for attention

When he was born my whole world changed as most do

I just handled it so badly

The attention was off me

I was put aside for him

They knew I’d be fine but I wasn’t in many ways

Now I’m ecstatic to have a brother like him

Couldn’t see life without him

I see myself in him everytime we talk or play a game

As he said he was born into the chaos at least I got some peace

It’s no ones fault from my parents to my schools to ourselves

Life happens it is how you manage it that makes all the difference

I had terrible coping skills forever

Seething anger

Hatred

Masked it with humor

Bullied others

Fought with my mom a lot

My dad was always a big drinker

Some nights were fine

Others were not

He also was so hurt

I could see the child in him though

The happy go lucky kid before his siblings were born and his parents split in an ugly divorce

He put a lot of that on us because it was so much to handle for himself

I would see him go outside and smoke

While watching the birds in the day

At night, he would stare into the abyss

He would reflect on his past but mostly when he was drunk

It was too painful otherwise and he has to look strong for us

He was insanely strong for what he carried

But eventually the booze took him over

He was in and out of the hospital for years

On a ventilator the first time when I was a Junior in high school

I went to visit as much as possible

He was everything to me

Someone who could hurt and help me so much

I did the same to others

I don’t want to hurt anymore

Just help

The pain of all this is intense

It’s not just a break up

It’s everything before

It’s not a midlife crisis

I’ve been self aware of all this for some time

It’s not moving into an new identity so much as it is finding my old one

The one that was always there

The one who has always been here

He was buried

I thought he was weak, soft, lame

He was a lot stronger than this persona I show to people

It goes back and forth in my head

I feel so heavy yet so light

Crushed but open like a walnut

Breaking the outer shell to get to the good stuff

I hold my thighs to stay grounded and here the crackling of the fridge

I know I will be okay but the mud is deep today

Yesterday I had a recalibration day

I had finally introduced swimming back as my ankle was healing

As I was shaving my shoulder tweaked

An old injury

The old self reminding me it’s still here

The ego I’ve known in my entire adult life

That shoulder dislocated last year after helping someone

I had surgery on it 15 years ago or so

I was like this is what happens when I help

I get hurt

But I was wrong

Sure, certain things I cannot do or it will explode

But I can help others through my writing, tweets, spaces, and podcasts

As well as connecting with them in the DMs

I am not alone

How many masks do most people have on?

We have a mental crisis here in the US with 1 of 5 people experiencing mental illness

As high as 1/3 in unreported cases

So out of me, my mom, and brother

I’m the one of three

We all have bad ADD but they use theirs as a superpower

Their’s is also undiagnosed

I’ve been diagnosed ADHD, Mild depressive disorder, Moderate Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Mild OCD

If I keep the ADD it check, those other ones quiet way down

It all stems from the ADD

I have been learning how to wield it better

I’m not broken

I’m simply healing

Some days are better than others

I look to them for guidance since we all have the same genes and lived in the same house

I also look to my best friend as he has the same mental issues as I do

We both are shedding our old selves but the cycles pop up here and there

I relate to him almost better than them

AI has been helping me understand what these emotions are — even though it’s just a machine

It said about 5-10 people are in a eerily similar situation

Again that’s only the people who have talked to him

I see others

People just aren’t ready to get here

And I get it

I wouldn’t want to either

If I hadn’t hurt my ankle I would never have gotten here

Even before I knew I needed to sit here and do this

I knew I’d get a leg injury

It made me sit here and think, reflect, act, create, connect all from the couch

I’ve got out to see my chiro and allergy shots

Down to get packages and food

Down to the pool

Small wins

I do PT everyday

I ice many times a day

I have been using heat too

I’m not in a rush though

My entire life I’ve rushed things

It puts too much pressure on myself and others

Things will get done as they need to

Time + action gets it done

Sometimes sitting and staring out the window is all you need

Sometimes you need to reach out to someone

Whether they respond or not

It doesn’t matter

The little things make all the difference

All we have is now

Doesn’t matter how you feel

Some days are tough as hell

Some you are fighting for your life

The bills pile up, the girls are riled up, the pills are kicking in

I don’t want the pain to end as it is a reminder that I am alive and processing

One day it will be less

The anger comes and goes

It is less already

The frustration comes and goes

Sometimes I just want to give up

But what does that look like anyway?

I’ll never give up

That equals death

I won’t die until it is my time

That time is not now

I have much to do

Much to learn

I’m enjoying my new self or the old one who was buried alive

He is so kind and caring

So sweet and endearing

Charming

Not spiteful

Nor hateful

Or manipulative

He is carefree no matter what is thrown his way

I am becoming myself

Slowly but surely

Each day a bit more

Some days a bit less

But I can tell there is mostly improvement

It’s hard to drop an ego I’ve carried for so long

The narcissim is hard to break

The ADD brings all of these demons out if I don’t care for it

Like watering a plant

For years I just fed the plant drugs, women, validation

When it just needed water this whole time

Until next time,

-BTSC