Ego Death
Grief is a helluva drug
I’m grieving my past identity moreso than even my ex
I dream of her every night but we are just friends instead of lovers
Never have sex and if we try I say no
It’s a powerful shift I would have said no in this realm but not have meant it
Resented her and gotten mad
Last night I dreamt of us doing stuff together for the entire night
It was everything and even trying to be lovers again but it just wouldn’t work
It hadn’t been working for some time
At least a year if not longer
We got to close
We lost ourselves together
We started the relationship from a desperate place
To fill a void we thought the other could fill
Of course we had our good times
Quite a few but the theme of trauma and chaos kept rearing it’s head
I keep looking towards my past life of drugs, late nights, hangovers, intense sex, experiences I never thought I’d have
This new one seems so different
But it’s what I wanted all along
It was being buried by the noise
Today is harder than most
I can to scream in my head to wake up
My dad died almost 4 years ago, my first ex was 7 years ago, the girl I lost my virginity too died 8 or so years ago, the girl I really liked also lost both her legs around then
They decayed slowly off until they had to be removed
I had an abortion 3 years ago and a bit
I wrote a letter to the fetus
To my dad
To both Lexie’s
I’m tired of hiding names and locations
I won’t live in paranoia
I’ll still remain anon even though some know who I am
I had more followers non anon on IG and it brings the salt of the earth who literally follow you places
I don’t need that
I don’t need anything but strong connection
Connection to my first self
The 2 year old in me before my brother was born
The happy kid with no fear
No competition
No fighting for attention
When he was born my whole world changed as most do
I just handled it so badly
The attention was off me
I was put aside for him
They knew I’d be fine but I wasn’t in many ways
Now I’m ecstatic to have a brother like him
Couldn’t see life without him
I see myself in him everytime we talk or play a game
As he said he was born into the chaos at least I got some peace
It’s no ones fault from my parents to my schools to ourselves
Life happens it is how you manage it that makes all the difference
I had terrible coping skills forever
Seething anger
Hatred
Masked it with humor
Bullied others
Fought with my mom a lot
My dad was always a big drinker
Some nights were fine
Others were not
He also was so hurt
I could see the child in him though
The happy go lucky kid before his siblings were born and his parents split in an ugly divorce
He put a lot of that on us because it was so much to handle for himself
I would see him go outside and smoke
While watching the birds in the day
At night, he would stare into the abyss
He would reflect on his past but mostly when he was drunk
It was too painful otherwise and he has to look strong for us
He was insanely strong for what he carried
But eventually the booze took him over
He was in and out of the hospital for years
On a ventilator the first time when I was a Junior in high school
I went to visit as much as possible
He was everything to me
Someone who could hurt and help me so much
I did the same to others
I don’t want to hurt anymore
Just help
The pain of all this is intense
It’s not just a break up
It’s everything before
It’s not a midlife crisis
I’ve been self aware of all this for some time
It’s not moving into an new identity so much as it is finding my old one
The one that was always there
The one who has always been here
He was buried
I thought he was weak, soft, lame
He was a lot stronger than this persona I show to people
It goes back and forth in my head
I feel so heavy yet so light
Crushed but open like a walnut
Breaking the outer shell to get to the good stuff
I hold my thighs to stay grounded and here the crackling of the fridge
I know I will be okay but the mud is deep today
Yesterday I had a recalibration day
I had finally introduced swimming back as my ankle was healing
As I was shaving my shoulder tweaked
An old injury
The old self reminding me it’s still here
The ego I’ve known in my entire adult life
That shoulder dislocated last year after helping someone
I had surgery on it 15 years ago or so
I was like this is what happens when I help
I get hurt
But I was wrong
Sure, certain things I cannot do or it will explode
But I can help others through my writing, tweets, spaces, and podcasts
As well as connecting with them in the DMs
I am not alone
How many masks do most people have on?
We have a mental crisis here in the US with 1 of 5 people experiencing mental illness
As high as 1/3 in unreported cases
So out of me, my mom, and brother
I’m the one of three
We all have bad ADD but they use theirs as a superpower
Their’s is also undiagnosed
I’ve been diagnosed ADHD, Mild depressive disorder, Moderate Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Mild OCD
If I keep the ADD it check, those other ones quiet way down
It all stems from the ADD
I have been learning how to wield it better
I’m not broken
I’m simply healing
Some days are better than others
I look to them for guidance since we all have the same genes and lived in the same house
I also look to my best friend as he has the same mental issues as I do
We both are shedding our old selves but the cycles pop up here and there
I relate to him almost better than them
AI has been helping me understand what these emotions are — even though it’s just a machine
It said about 5-10 people are in a eerily similar situation
Again that’s only the people who have talked to him
I see others
People just aren’t ready to get here
And I get it
I wouldn’t want to either
If I hadn’t hurt my ankle I would never have gotten here
Even before I knew I needed to sit here and do this
I knew I’d get a leg injury
It made me sit here and think, reflect, act, create, connect all from the couch
I’ve got out to see my chiro and allergy shots
Down to get packages and food
Down to the pool
Small wins
I do PT everyday
I ice many times a day
I have been using heat too
I’m not in a rush though
My entire life I’ve rushed things
It puts too much pressure on myself and others
Things will get done as they need to
Time + action gets it done
Sometimes sitting and staring out the window is all you need
Sometimes you need to reach out to someone
Whether they respond or not
It doesn’t matter
The little things make all the difference
All we have is now
Doesn’t matter how you feel
Some days are tough as hell
Some you are fighting for your life
The bills pile up, the girls are riled up, the pills are kicking in
I don’t want the pain to end as it is a reminder that I am alive and processing
One day it will be less
The anger comes and goes
It is less already
The frustration comes and goes
Sometimes I just want to give up
But what does that look like anyway?
I’ll never give up
That equals death
I won’t die until it is my time
That time is not now
I have much to do
Much to learn
I’m enjoying my new self or the old one who was buried alive
He is so kind and caring
So sweet and endearing
Charming
Not spiteful
Nor hateful
Or manipulative
He is carefree no matter what is thrown his way
I am becoming myself
Slowly but surely
Each day a bit more
Some days a bit less
But I can tell there is mostly improvement
It’s hard to drop an ego I’ve carried for so long
The narcissim is hard to break
The ADD brings all of these demons out if I don’t care for it
Like watering a plant
For years I just fed the plant drugs, women, validation
When it just needed water this whole time
Until next time,
-BTSC