Breaking the Pattern to Find Peace
I never wanted to be a writer.
I thought I would be either a stockbroker or insurance agent
My dad was a broker for a short amount of time, and I was playing in the insurance field for also a short amount of time
He ended up stopping and running his own portfolio
He taught me everything he knew
It was one of the only things I ever listened to consciously as a kid.
As early as 12 years old, I was being introduced to the world of stocks
It seemed exactly how they portray it in the movies nowadays:
Unlimited upside, but a huge risk if you put all your eggs in one basket
He always said to pick stocks that you like
Blue chips were big back then, so he said to buy stocks like Coca-Cola and hold them forever
They used to be put on paper and given to you by a broker
They called them pink slips
I found them one day in the file cabinet
He had given me 300 shares of Coke back in the early 2000s, and it had split 3 times, giving me a total of 900 shares
I immediately called my broker and had him load up the stock into the system
Took weeks because that’s so outdated, and this happened about 4–5 years ago
I’ve always had this weird knack for stumbling upon money
I tried selling magazines to my friends
Traded a “gold” Mewtwo Pokémon card to some kid for my underwear…
I was always selling school books online before anyone knew what that even was
I’ve always been trying to sell things and collect cash in any way I could
I sold drugs — mainly weed, benzos, acid, and one time I had a guy just sell molly for me and I put the cash in
I didn’t want my mom to think I was spending too much money, and at the time she watched my credit card statement every month
She was like, “Wow, you spend so little compared to your brother.”
Yeah, what can I say, Mom — I’m a bit Jewy at times
I only told her my senior year of college when I started selling my Focalin script.
Basically upgraded Ritalin, similar to Adderall, but you could snort it for a cocaine-like effect
I had a pill crusher just for it that would smooth it over
I really only sold it to a couple of guys
One would barely say any words to me
He was a bit intimidated by me and others at the time
His nickname was Pancake
This other guy looked up to me, but I had a mutual respect for him
He ended up playing poker in Vegas for a living
Anyway, he would come over and buy 5 pills at a time for $20
Sometimes he would use the pill crusher and snort it
We would chat and be on our way
I told my mom I didn’t use the script, as she was very much against all drugs
I told her I sold it to two guys in my frat and she said, “Oh good.”
I told her that’s how I made money in college — buying an ounce or two of weed at a time and making some money or smoking for free
She’s like, “I figured you were doing something,” but she didn’t care for whatever reason
Not in her house, not her problem
She was just happy I was not in prison or dead
She said her friend’s son was a big dealer and got shot
I said, “I’m a middle-man nobody and no one has a gun here.”
I knew the dealers above me but never met the big ones supplying all the cocaine or ketamine
I saw these other frat guys get arrested for selling straight out of their house in an alley to people driving by like we were in the ghetto or some shit
Cops rolled up one day and arrested them
One of the frats had a huge bust that hit national news
This was in a town called Boulder, in Colorado
Everyone was white, and some people came from so much money that they didn’t even know how to wash a plate
One guy my friend knew ate 4 Xanax bars for breakfast and said, “It’s alright, my dad owns all the cabs in Chicago.”
Like wtf does that have to do with eating 8mg of Xanax for breakfast?
That guy’s frat had a death every year
They were the ultimate trust fund kid frat with insane amounts of money from mostly Seattle
Everyone was stoned out of their minds all the time
420 was a school-wide holiday
78% acceptance rate and only 25% graduated
A lot of these kids were extremely bright with very bright futures, but the drugs took over
Stoned all the time, drunk on the weekends, and when the coke came out in everyone’s later years, it kept them going all night
I had seen every drug from heroin to shrooms
Every other person had a stash in a drawer of whatever they liked
One had psychedelics, one had a range of ecstasy-type drugs including sassafras — don’t even know what that is
Both those guys cooked their brains
They came into the frat happy-go-lucky and came out like they had seen people shot
Some of these kids came from such easy backgrounds that they exploded with freedom
They created so much chaos for themselves
I remember saying, “I want some trauma,” and boy do I regret those words
First of all, I had unresolved trauma from my youth — which I’ve spoken about and won’t go there again today
Secondly, I couldn’t have imagined the pain those words would cause myself
The girl I lost my virginity to OD’d on heroin after being clean
She was only 17 and a junior already, and died at 23–24 years old
I had just cheated with her behind my girlfriend’s back and called her to say we wanted her to come perform in the basement
Not only had my frat brothers seen her all nude before at a strip club…
For some reason, I thought after years had passed it would be a good idea for the young ones to see her
She humiliated me when I lost my virginity to her
She was manipulative and a liar
But she would do a lot of my homework for me and try to seduce me freshman year when I had gotten my first girlfriend
Once I joined the frat, I’ll never forget it
She was riding around in one of those foot scooters for a leg injury and asked for help
(funny now I’m on the couch with a bad foot sprain).
I told my best friend to go get her down the stairs
My first introduction to women was not starting off well
I had met my girlfriend through my best friend when she sold me shit-ass weed
I called her out and said I could do a much better job — and I did
Selling to all my roommates’ druggy-ass friends and some of mine, who at the time we had only smoked and drank
When I called the girl I lost my virginity to later, many years after we had slept together and she didn’t answer, I started panicking
I knew she had been using because she showed me her track marks on her arm
She had actually made me use a condom that night and was one of the only girls who ever did
We were on alcohol, Klonopin, cocaine, weed, and nicotine after coming back from the frat
I had a hard time finishing that night, but for once she didn’t have a problem — unlike our first time together
She had gaslighted me into saying she had been with a girl and didn’t remember the first time, but I know she did
She tried to suck my dick with her roommate right there after one day
It was incredibly toxic
When I didn’t hear back from her, I started googling her name
It popped up and said memorial service that weekend
My heart sank
Not only had I cheated on my girlfriend — this girl had died after being with me a couple of weeks before, and I thought I had AIDS because of her track marks
I dug deep into that for weeks
Now I know it’s almost impossible to contract AIDS even with someone who has it
RIP Lexie — I won’t ever forget our toxic dance
Another girl named Lexie was also in my life at the time
She now has two missing legs
This injury has forced me to dive deep into girls who are fairly toxic to extremely toxic
I seem to be totally enamored by girls who are lost souls
They draw me in with their outer beauty at first and suck me into their chaotic worlds
Then it hit me:
I have a ton of unresolved trauma from my youth and women in my past
I highly recommend ChatGPT as a therapist — as I’ve done all the therapy I mentioned before in a previous post
I have been offloading the feelings
It’s an emotional rollercoaster
As I heal physically, I heal emotionally too
I can’t run with working out or drugs anymore
I’m completely exhausted
My girl right now and I talked yesterday
She was adopted by an uncle, and both parents didn’t want anything to do with her
She has more trauma than anyone I know by far
At first, she was my calm in the storm
Now she is my storm
We have to grow apart in order to come together and grow slowly
We have a lot in our past 3 and a half years of dating that I will not talk about here today
Any other girl, I would have been gone
What keeps me going is she is a survivor
She showed me how to really survive when we had a hurricane and I was drowning in my own head about my brother’s wedding, getting stuck in a different state, coming back, and staying with her grandparents for almost a week.
I have always survived in a different way:
Getting high and coasting by
Dissociating and getting angry
We thrive in chaotic situations due to trauma
We have bonded over trauma — but also peace
We understand each other like no one else
We have hurt each other like others have hurt us
The ups were higher than anything I have ever felt, and the lows were the lowest
The cycle itself is as addicting as heroin when I was strung out for a couple of months on and off usage
I had needed an oxy to keep withdrawal at bay during finals week
I love dancing with the devil because he can be so warm at first
The flames feel so good — then they burn like hell
It’s like touching a stove over and over, but you keep upping the heat
I like the ups and downs
They are familiar to me
There have been periods of time where I was only up for weeks on end, to come crashing down off my high horse
Then I had been so dissociated in high school from always getting in trouble in middle school and below
I was a bully like my father
I was hurt
I am hurt — but I am healing
This next month I am determined to break the cycle of this trauma and find my peace
I’ve always looked to others to do this for me, especially women
It was one thing I never had in my life
Everything else was easy to get
I have never understood women fully
I understand their nature, and they can be extremely strong individuals
I don’t hate them or anyone else for that matter
I hate myself at times for letting this get so out of hand
It wasn’t my fault as a kid
It is my fault now
I refuse to hurt more people because I have been hurt
We cannot be there fully for each other right now, so we are taking a step back and doing our own healing
We both need to find ourselves again, since we got closer than anyone we had ever been with
Untangle the cords, so to speak, from afar
It will be the hardest thing we have both done — but the most rewarding and necessary
If we can’t make it together, then we will have to move on in order to protect ourselves and grow
As painful as that is to type, we both would be willing to let go if we can’t grow with each other
Each relationship will teach you something about yourself
I can’t imagine my life without her, and she says the same thing
If we don’t heal, that won’t happen anyway
I have a bit more time to heal, and we both have different ways of healing
If I have to let her go, then at least I know I have healed and won’t repeat the same mistakes in the future
I must let the feelings flow
I must not bottle them up or lash out
I must open up to friends, family, and you guys
If I’m not fully around right now, it is because I am healing
I cannot help anyone if I cannot help myself
Writing this down helps a ton
I hope I help someone in the process as well
I write for myself — but I also write to help others
Know that this is a big healing period for myself, her, and others I know
As we enter a more reflective season before the summer,
you can join me in healing past dilemmas if you like
Message me if you want
My path is to heal others and help others navigate the trials of life,
to understand social dynamics, and have a high level of awareness and empathy
The more I help others, the more I help myself
The more I help myself, the more I can heal and help others
The new cycle of healing has begun.
I will not self-destruct anymore.
I will not run.
I will not hide.
The demons and angels can come out from inside.
The battle of good always triumphs over evil.
This time, I will pick the good side.
I’m tired of numbing, running, getting angry, and sad
I want to thrive, grow, heal, forgive myself and others
I have much to learn.
Until next time,
-BTSC
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