Bleeding from the Outside In

Is this it?

This is peace?

It’s BORING

The women are calling my name

The drugs know the game

No one else knows this pain

I want it all

I want relief

The drugs were the cure

The women were the cure

The action was the cure

The boredom is my kryptonite

I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live either

I want to feel alive

I always thought you could get sober and it would be fine

Eat right

Workout

It’s all tedious tasks that my brain wants to just shoot itself

Maybe if I did then someone would notice

That’s the only reason I’d do it

The leave a huge mess for everyone to clean up

You all did this to me is what I think

I have to be here on this rock with you people

Kill me

Don’t make me suffer

Just shoot me now

I’ve never been happy

We all know that by now

Today is one of the toughest days by far

It’s been going on since last night

I had such a good day yesterday and wanted a reward

An escape

I’d take literally anything

I’m desperate

How people live like this is crazy to me

You get up and go work for someone else for some paper?

What the fuck for?

Money won’t cure your problems

Women won’t

Drugs won’t

Somehow someway we have to cure our own problems

Find something in the peace

I have outlets now that I never used before

I can talk to people instead of hiding out

I help people more than they ever could help me

That’s fine I guess

The Sufferer

I say what do you like to do?

Oh I watch soyflix or go play sports

Why?

Sports are for children

Aren’t you all too injured for that?

No I guess you weren’t the best like me huh?

The best I know are all injured and can barely move

I got injured young and in some ways it was freeing

Just like now with my ankle

It’s like relief

Pain

Now I don’t have to do all the trifling shite

Who wants to do any of this?

Aren’t you bored?

Or you haven’t done it all?

What happens when you have done it all?

Young years ago

Where is the rush anymore?

Jump out of a plane?

Ok and then what?

Most girls I’ve had at once was 2 2 separate times

Most guys haven’t

It’s not that great

How about 10 at a time would that be better?

Nothing exceeds like excess right?

I don’t want 1000 woman

I want a few who get it

I don’t want 1000 men

I want a few who GET it

The first time I felt like I belonged was at my frat

They got it

Then we all didn’t

Then I left and found similar people ex frat guys, big personalities

They got it

Then the scene changed

We all miss this one spot

It’s never been the same

The one who guys out every weekend says its depressing now

Was it always?

Didn’t feel that way

I know it wasn’t

It wasn’t the novelty wearing off

It was the TRIBE all coming together

That’s what it always has been

The minute in college I left the dorms and frat to my house with a few guys and a girl

That’s when I really started looking in

That’s when the drugs really went up

5-7 a day

I went from oh the girls are paying attention to me

To oh the guys are paying attention to me

To the drugs are paying attention to me

And if no one did

I put on a show

They always did

I’m the best remember?

I always leave a huge impression, make them all laugh, while some make me laugh

All Eyes on Me like Tupac

If you have ever been here you know the feeling

I’ve been here over and over and over again

They watched when I was young

Then they didnt

Then they did again

Then they didnt

Then they did again

Then they didnt

Then they did

Now they are again

But its boring

I already know what I’m capable of

I have nothing to prove anymore

I’m just angry that this is it

I’m angry only a few GET it

Most of them can’t do anything about it either

Trapped like rats we are

Which trap are you in?

The glue one, the mouse trap, did the sonic traps blow out your ears?

Fun stuff, fun stuff

Why are we here?

What do we do?

What happened to all the fun?

Now you get married and have kids?

BORING

DULL

Who tf really wants that?

Responsibility and little drunk people running around

Can barely take care of myself

These parents ruin their kids anyway

I know a few who did an excellent job

The rest just made it all worse

Kids, marriage, won’t solve your problems either

If anything without you being stable they add more fuel to the fire

That’s when the guys start drinking heavily and beating everyone

Or checking out

I have too much passion to check out

I want to FEEL ALIVE

BURN it all down and start again

Build it up just to burn it down

I’ve built massive friend groups, businesses that bore the snot out of me, all sorts of shite that sucks

I’ve built this

Writing is my main outlet now

Most of this I’m just yelling at myself

I know others feel it too

I thought I was above all that

Feelings?

Sucky ones especially

Boring

For women and losers

Now I feel it all and it deadens me right now

I’m in a haze

I feel stoned without the euphoria or paranoia

Anhedonic, apathetic, catatonic

I can write and talk for hours and I do

Those are the main things I enjoy

Also swimming

But oftentimes have to do that alone

Never was good at being alone, but also never good at playing well with others

I’m getting better but again its boring

I don’t wanna play well I want to bully and hurt them like i feel

I want them to feel left out

When im alone its better but then who can I fight?

My soul and Ego are fighting today

Maybe this whole week the will

They always have

On one hand I want to help others

On the other I want to dominate them into submission

I’ve done both before at the same time

I’m so tired, yet full of energy

Everything good I’ve built then I destroyed just for fun

It’s easy to do both

That’s why I was stoned all the time

To dumb myself down

I know I’m way smarter than most and even if I’m not I can out do them in some department

I’ve been alone with my thoughts longer than most poeple

On the Thinking bench for life

They keep running from coffee to travel to partying with friends

They can’t sit with their thoughts

They have to keep working

Drugging or not

Doesn’t matter they can’t sit still

Never seen anyone who could

When they do they burst at the seems

It’s all too much

Leading the charge for everytihng sucks all the time

It costs the be the boss ain’t a damn thing free

I Know I’m leading the charge

But I never used to question shit as much

I just did it

Now I never know what to do except sometimes

While they are in the wage cage

I’m printing cash

While they are fucking around all weekend I’m still doing my thing

No wonder I chased the drugs, women, validation, and chaos

It made me feel ALIVE

Did I almost overdose?

GREAT brink of death, at the cliffs edge

Did the women break my heart?

GREAT now I feel

Did I break theirs?

GREAT now im powerful

Starting to slowly feel better

I knew I needed to get this out

This sterile world is lame

But it’s all I know

I had an uber eats deliver me food yesterday with an autonmous car

What a load of horseshit that was

Guy just sitting in the car as i hobbled over

Saving 5 bucks on tip

WHO CARES

The stupid thing had like 10 steps to get the food on the stupid fucking ipad

wtf is this?

The tech is retarded

The people are retarded

Starting to feel retarded

Want the comfort of a woman’s touch

Want the hug of the drugs

Want fake relief

Can’t have it

Refuse to

I will suffer here

I need to shed that old skin

My friend is 13 months sober with intense rehab and he’s feeling the same way rn

The ADD can be a superpower but it also feels crippling

I channel it into shite like this

I hold spaces weekly

I help for free because the money does nothing

I don’t need that much to live

This doesn’t cost shit

Everything is free if you want it

Complaining about the price of eggs

Then don’t eat eggs loser

Get some beans and rice

You don’t deserve eggs

Everyone can’t be as entitled as me

I’ve always been this way

I didn’t know any other way

I was the best

I want to be the best

The best suffer the most

That’s where I usually fail

I can’t handle true suffering usually

The stillness

The quiet

The peace

I’m still adjusting to this life style

Don’t be offended by my writing

I’m just irritated

All the things I got, all the money, whores, status, etc meant nothing

Why did I bother?

So I could teach others that none of that matters

They have to learn on their own

How will they know without trying?

How will they learn without getting burned?

Did the girl you lost your virginity too die?

Is your dad still alive?

Was your mom a pro?

Is the girl you loved broken your heart to pieces when you couldn’t eat due to illness for months?

Did they rip your shoulders out of your sockets over and over and over?

Did they put you on the thinking bench?

Did they beat you?

Choke you?

Did the girl you fell for lose both her legs?

Did you hurt the girl you were with so much that you can’t understand how you are even still together? Did you hurt her like I did? Did you scare her?

Did your best friend check out at 20?

Did your brother become better than you in every single department?

Did you upplug your childhood best friend to make him schizo out like I am?

Did you beat the other kids mentally, emotionally, physically?

Even as an adult?

Did you build people up to tear them down to build them up to tear them down?

Are you like me?

Have you suffered at all?

Have you taken every substance known to man more times than anyone else you know?

Have you been where I’ve been?

Have you hurt like I have?

Have you gotten everything you wanted and it still wasn’t enough?

Do you get angry like I do?

Can you be the best then self destruct to the worst?

How do I even do it?

Why do I even do it?

Just to feel

Just to know what its like

Ya I didn’t think so

You play it to safe

You are scared to be here

All alone with your thoughts

My stomach is growling

Let it growl

Just so I can feel someting

Because I’m dead inside

I know it won’t last

The peace is deadening

The next phase is coming

I’m so close

I can feel it

I’m so impatient though

I want it now

Like I got everything else

Let it come when it comes

For now, I’ll bleed from the outside in

-BTSC