Is this it?
This is peace?
It’s BORING
The women are calling my name
The drugs know the game
No one else knows this pain
I want it all
I want relief
The drugs were the cure
The women were the cure
The action was the cure
The boredom is my kryptonite
I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live either
I want to feel alive
I always thought you could get sober and it would be fine
Eat right
Workout
It’s all tedious tasks that my brain wants to just shoot itself
Maybe if I did then someone would notice
That’s the only reason I’d do it
The leave a huge mess for everyone to clean up
You all did this to me is what I think
I have to be here on this rock with you people
Kill me
Don’t make me suffer
Just shoot me now
I’ve never been happy
We all know that by now
Today is one of the toughest days by far
It’s been going on since last night
I had such a good day yesterday and wanted a reward
An escape
I’d take literally anything
I’m desperate
How people live like this is crazy to me
You get up and go work for someone else for some paper?
What the fuck for?
Money won’t cure your problems
Women won’t
Drugs won’t
Somehow someway we have to cure our own problems
Find something in the peace
I have outlets now that I never used before
I can talk to people instead of hiding out
I help people more than they ever could help me
That’s fine I guess
The Sufferer
I say what do you like to do?
Oh I watch soyflix or go play sports
Why?
Sports are for children
Aren’t you all too injured for that?
No I guess you weren’t the best like me huh?
The best I know are all injured and can barely move
I got injured young and in some ways it was freeing
Just like now with my ankle
It’s like relief
Pain
Now I don’t have to do all the trifling shite
Who wants to do any of this?
Aren’t you bored?
Or you haven’t done it all?
What happens when you have done it all?
Young years ago
Where is the rush anymore?
Jump out of a plane?
Ok and then what?
Most girls I’ve had at once was 2 2 separate times
Most guys haven’t
It’s not that great
How about 10 at a time would that be better?
Nothing exceeds like excess right?
I don’t want 1000 woman
I want a few who get it
I don’t want 1000 men
I want a few who GET it
The first time I felt like I belonged was at my frat
They got it
Then we all didn’t
Then I left and found similar people ex frat guys, big personalities
They got it
Then the scene changed
We all miss this one spot
It’s never been the same
The one who guys out every weekend says its depressing now
Was it always?
Didn’t feel that way
I know it wasn’t
It wasn’t the novelty wearing off
It was the TRIBE all coming together
That’s what it always has been
The minute in college I left the dorms and frat to my house with a few guys and a girl
That’s when I really started looking in
That’s when the drugs really went up
5-7 a day
I went from oh the girls are paying attention to me
To oh the guys are paying attention to me
To the drugs are paying attention to me
And if no one did
I put on a show
They always did
I’m the best remember?
I always leave a huge impression, make them all laugh, while some make me laugh
All Eyes on Me like Tupac
If you have ever been here you know the feeling
I’ve been here over and over and over again
They watched when I was young
Then they didnt
Then they did again
Then they didnt
Then they did again
Then they didnt
Then they did
Now they are again
But its boring
I already know what I’m capable of
I have nothing to prove anymore
I’m just angry that this is it
I’m angry only a few GET it
Most of them can’t do anything about it either
Trapped like rats we are
Which trap are you in?
The glue one, the mouse trap, did the sonic traps blow out your ears?
Fun stuff, fun stuff
Why are we here?
What do we do?
What happened to all the fun?
Now you get married and have kids?
BORING
DULL
Who tf really wants that?
Responsibility and little drunk people running around
Can barely take care of myself
These parents ruin their kids anyway
I know a few who did an excellent job
The rest just made it all worse
Kids, marriage, won’t solve your problems either
If anything without you being stable they add more fuel to the fire
That’s when the guys start drinking heavily and beating everyone
Or checking out
I have too much passion to check out
I want to FEEL ALIVE
BURN it all down and start again
Build it up just to burn it down
I’ve built massive friend groups, businesses that bore the snot out of me, all sorts of shite that sucks
I’ve built this
Writing is my main outlet now
Most of this I’m just yelling at myself
I know others feel it too
I thought I was above all that
Feelings?
Sucky ones especially
Boring
For women and losers
Now I feel it all and it deadens me right now
I’m in a haze
I feel stoned without the euphoria or paranoia
Anhedonic, apathetic, catatonic
I can write and talk for hours and I do
Those are the main things I enjoy
Also swimming
But oftentimes have to do that alone
Never was good at being alone, but also never good at playing well with others
I’m getting better but again its boring
I don’t wanna play well I want to bully and hurt them like i feel
I want them to feel left out
When im alone its better but then who can I fight?
My soul and Ego are fighting today
Maybe this whole week the will
They always have
On one hand I want to help others
On the other I want to dominate them into submission
I’ve done both before at the same time
I’m so tired, yet full of energy
Everything good I’ve built then I destroyed just for fun
It’s easy to do both
That’s why I was stoned all the time
To dumb myself down
I know I’m way smarter than most and even if I’m not I can out do them in some department
I’ve been alone with my thoughts longer than most poeple
On the Thinking bench for life
They keep running from coffee to travel to partying with friends
They can’t sit with their thoughts
They have to keep working
Drugging or not
Doesn’t matter they can’t sit still
Never seen anyone who could
When they do they burst at the seems
It’s all too much
Leading the charge for everytihng sucks all the time
It costs the be the boss ain’t a damn thing free
I Know I’m leading the charge
But I never used to question shit as much
I just did it
Now I never know what to do except sometimes
While they are in the wage cage
I’m printing cash
While they are fucking around all weekend I’m still doing my thing
No wonder I chased the drugs, women, validation, and chaos
It made me feel ALIVE
Did I almost overdose?
GREAT brink of death, at the cliffs edge
Did the women break my heart?
GREAT now I feel
Did I break theirs?
GREAT now im powerful
Starting to slowly feel better
I knew I needed to get this out
This sterile world is lame
But it’s all I know
I had an uber eats deliver me food yesterday with an autonmous car
What a load of horseshit that was
Guy just sitting in the car as i hobbled over
Saving 5 bucks on tip
WHO CARES
The stupid thing had like 10 steps to get the food on the stupid fucking ipad
wtf is this?
The tech is retarded
The people are retarded
Starting to feel retarded
Want the comfort of a woman’s touch
Want the hug of the drugs
Want fake relief
Can’t have it
Refuse to
I will suffer here
I need to shed that old skin
My friend is 13 months sober with intense rehab and he’s feeling the same way rn
The ADD can be a superpower but it also feels crippling
I channel it into shite like this
I hold spaces weekly
I help for free because the money does nothing
I don’t need that much to live
This doesn’t cost shit
Everything is free if you want it
Complaining about the price of eggs
Then don’t eat eggs loser
Get some beans and rice
You don’t deserve eggs
Everyone can’t be as entitled as me
I’ve always been this way
I didn’t know any other way
I was the best
I want to be the best
The best suffer the most
That’s where I usually fail
I can’t handle true suffering usually
The stillness
The quiet
The peace
I’m still adjusting to this life style
Don’t be offended by my writing
I’m just irritated
All the things I got, all the money, whores, status, etc meant nothing
Why did I bother?
So I could teach others that none of that matters
They have to learn on their own
How will they know without trying?
How will they learn without getting burned?
Did the girl you lost your virginity too die?
Is your dad still alive?
Was your mom a pro?
Is the girl you loved broken your heart to pieces when you couldn’t eat due to illness for months?
Did they rip your shoulders out of your sockets over and over and over?
Did they put you on the thinking bench?
Did they beat you?
Choke you?
Did the girl you fell for lose both her legs?
Did you hurt the girl you were with so much that you can’t understand how you are even still together? Did you hurt her like I did? Did you scare her?
Did your best friend check out at 20?
Did your brother become better than you in every single department?
Did you upplug your childhood best friend to make him schizo out like I am?
Did you beat the other kids mentally, emotionally, physically?
Even as an adult?
Did you build people up to tear them down to build them up to tear them down?
Are you like me?
Have you suffered at all?
Have you taken every substance known to man more times than anyone else you know?
Have you been where I’ve been?
Have you hurt like I have?
Have you gotten everything you wanted and it still wasn’t enough?
Do you get angry like I do?
Can you be the best then self destruct to the worst?
How do I even do it?
Why do I even do it?
Just to feel
Just to know what its like
Ya I didn’t think so
You play it to safe
You are scared to be here
All alone with your thoughts
My stomach is growling
Let it growl
Just so I can feel someting
Because I’m dead inside
I know it won’t last
The peace is deadening
The next phase is coming
I’m so close
I can feel it
I’m so impatient though
I want it now
Like I got everything else
Let it come when it comes
For now, I’ll bleed from the outside in
-BTSC