Between Lightning Strikes

The echoes of my old life bounce around my head ever so slightly now

Like a racquetball game coming to an end

I had quite a few wins this week that in the past would have been celebrated with champagne, women, and drugs

Besides officially being 10 weeks sober, my ankle has improved significantly

2 days ago I walked without a cane

Without a crutch so to speak

With real shoes on

Straight and tall

Head high

Relaxed and confident

I was going to my chiro

I chatted with my old doc down the hallway for a bit

Chatted with my modalities expert

We discussed the powerful red light machine they use on my foot and how most places do not have it

$30,000 to blow some hot air on your foot

It has a specific timer based on a tone of features from skin tone, to height, and weight

Only athletes usually get access to this machine

I thought it was just a useless red light machine when I first went

I also stopped icing the ankle entirely as that was slowly down the healing

I started focusing the healing to other areas like my neck

My head shakes due to my shoulder dislocation last year

Never knew why because I had so much going on I assumed the drugs had something to do with it

I do daily PT on that as well as weekly PT at chiro on that

I get an adjustment and a back and neck massage as well as the TENS Unit

It’s all very aligned with my emotional healing as I am much more focused on my body right now

Body, mind, and soul are connected

As my CNS relaxes and my body does too

So does my mind

So I’m less stressed emotionally, mentally and physically

My dentist could tell I was stressed as I was clenching my mouth and my mouth bled during the appointment more than usual

I had/have pre gingivitis

Your mouth is incredibly important to have clean as it is so close to the brain and also effects your heart

I go 3-4 times a year to the dentist as well as daily flossing, brushing, and anything else that might be required

At the end of my chiro visit there is this beautiful, kind, and calm blonde at the checkout

She is quite tall and has an funny sense of humor

I’ve always enjoyed her company but never did anything to engage her past this as I was engaged literally

I had been planting the seed last month talking about swimming

Apparently she swam in college and then gave lessons after

I was shocked at first

The next month when I saw her, I asked if she wanted to coach me and she said I’ll think about it

She was laughing much too often at my jokes the first time I saw her 6 weeks ago

I’m funny but I’m not that funny

She also is lightly intimidating

The first time I saw her I thought she was a little “doffy” or dumb

She isn’t

So this past visit I was checking out

I was about to just give up on asking and say I’ll do it next week

I said “Too bad your not swimming, I’m going between lightning strikes”

She smiled

“Where do you swim?” she asked

I said my building

I said it has a lane that no one uses and is the reason I live there

I checked out when the sun would be on the pool and the shade

I told her I was a little anal about it

Her face showed a little interest

Then I said we should swim sometime

She was smooth about getting my number

She said It’s right here in the system and texted me her name and a waving emoticon

I was talking about the payment saying “we all good”

She said Yep talking about the number exchange

I smiled lightly and said have a good weekend

The girls will be go easy on you when they like you

I texted her later that day “Gotcha. What’re you up to this weekend?”

No response

You know why folks?

I’ll tell ya why

My mom also goes there twice a week for traction due to 5 herniated discs from playing pro tennis

Top 100 in the world

People love her everywhere she goes

She is the best wingwoman of all time

What fucking luck fellas

Because she asked her about her busy weekend the week before taking care of her family pets while they were gone

She was exhausted from that and the week

My mom knows I have been pining about this girl

She is also smooth as butter

The girl doesn’t even know that she was figuring out what she was doing this weekend

The girl offered she was going home and sleeping even getting off early at 1

She didn’t want to text me that of course

It looks like she’s blowing me off or coming across as lazy

So she simply didn’t say anything back

Which I am glad because again the girls who like you aren’t going to try and hurt you or play a ton of games

I thought this was another game

Tired of games

I hate the game

I graduated from that years ago and used control and dominance and fear and manipulation to avoid it

The game is for losers yet you must still know the rules

Fuck PUA shit

Fuck all that noise

The Red pill has some decent stuff but fuck it in the ass too

I’m here to attract not chase

I’m here to be magnetic and myself

If people want to meet me here

Great

If not I don’t give a fuck at all

I like who I am and what I do

I like my alone time now

The demons of lust, greed, hendonism, boredom, guilt, and worry all whisper in my ears

I ignore them like the fruit flies I used to have

Who magically disappeared when the noise went down and I did nothing new

Much like my eye twitch mostly if not fully went away

Everything is connected in this world

EVERYTHING

No just the mind, body, and spirit

Literally everything

It moves through everything like a soft wind or current

Atoms never stop moving

This isn’t woo woo shit

It’s the universe speaking

My rewards now instead of human consumptions and distractions are peace of mind and control over my demons

They are much more manageable now

I got frustrated yesterday morning and it went away fast

I got angry last night throwing clothes at the wall, then it went away

It’s the echos of my old self screaming through saying where is the fucking action?

Let’s burn it all down

Hire an escort if you have to

Get some nitrous

Go to the club and snort coke off some girls tits

Fake and forced action

A girl invited me to a restaurant Thursday as well

Coincidence?

Don’t believe in those

I said no was elevating my ankle

Rejecting women?

Not rushing off to the fun?

That’s not fun for me anymore

It’s like outgrowing the ball pit as Chuck E Cheese

Never liked that shit anyway

Would want to piss in it if I got the chance

They took that away after Covid

Everything was taken after Covid

It gets me upset sometimes

But now I get everything I truly ever wanted especially my peace

I never liked the bars anyway

Not in college

Not here

Only if I had status and had a tribe there

It’s always about belonging to a tribe

That’s what I have always wanted

I can belong to a tribe now

The weak ass one that has been destroyed by another

Or I can make my own

Perhaps join another but I don’t see much of those except online

People in groups are retarded

People one on one are always better

I see people intermingle in other circles and dumb themselves down with Michelobs then by themselves at the pool they have water or a mixed drink in a Yeti

The building I am in is one of the high end ones in Houston

The people here are wildly successful

The women at the pool are all 9s and dimes

I like hanging around that energy whether I talk to anyone or not

This week it has been raining so I literally went between lightning

Only crazy person out there

Now that it’s a gorgeous day on Saturday

The people will come back

This is also why I am thinking of joining a country club

For the heated pool in the winter

Maybe find more people for the tribe

I go for the pool first though

My favorite activity in the world

Other wins this week:

A girl moved in next door

I decided to leave a note with a bottle of wine

A snoopy neighbor asked if I had left that wine

I said it’s for “them”

I knew a girl was just moving in

But that how that neighbor knew, she must have looked in the bag at the note

She is a annoying creature

Loud

I’d like to strangle her

That’s what I think about when I get mad

Strangling people to death

I was slammed up against a wall when I was young by my neck

Don’t even remember my dad doing it

He did it again when I was in my twenties after I mouthed off

He apologized right away

I put my hands around my girl last year after 15 drinks and xanax and her saying she wanted to have sex then trauma dumping the second time that week

I didn’t hurt her but did the same thing done to me and scared her to death

It was the worst thing I ever did

I immedietely knew I had done something wrong even though I was blacked out

I sorta came too

Woke up the next day with a huge feeling of regret

Would swim the dread away

We had so many points in our relationship that would have destroyed others

From an abortion, to a threesome, to me yelling her outta the apartment when I was supposed to go ask her Uncle for her hand in marriage

I was strung out out whippets, weed, and some booze

I couldn’t take the pressure

She seemed to be taking her time to leave

I went insane

That was really the beginning of the end

She barely had anything packed as I screamed her outta here dissociated beyond belief

Once she left I was totally fine

Except I wasn’t

I kept doing whippet after whippet

Getting my mom over here

She said my eyes were as black as the ace of spades

I calmed down after getting more whippets and watching It’s Always Sunny

My mom thought she may have to put me in the psyche ward

I had thought my old life was not real

That college had never happened

I would laugh then cry

How my ex and I lasted 3 years is beyond me

There was real love there

Well sort of

She cooked for us

I paid for things

We got along in the first year and a half

I showed her my world fully

We became co dependent

Not dealing with many friends or family

Stagnating

Dying

I was grieving my dead dad throughout the whole relationship

She had a ton of trauma from being adopted and tossed around like a football

The chaos, love, regret cycles kept piling up

I thought I’d be with her forever

Now I know that is not even close to possible

I’ve been working on myself through all of this as many of you know

I’m not even close to the same person

I’m more patient, less angry, no chaos, kinder

I gave a homeless guy $10 after the chiro

Used to hate them after one guy smoked crack with my brother

I yelled at him in the street the next time and broke him down to pieces while this other industry group tore each other down

The girl yelling “thank god your mom died you asshole”

I was with my best wing girl at the time

She was sober I was listening to those two fight as I yelled at that cocksucker

They both said awful things especially that girl

I used to hand out Vodka and tacos after this late night club to the homeless

I was like Jaded Jesus

So me giving $10 was a huge change of heart

Forgave the homeless

That new neighbor texted me days later thanking me for the note and wine

I said we should swim this weekend if she was down

She said she couldn’t but maybe some other time

Lots of wins with women

With men like the hobo and even my annoying chiro who talks about nonsense like his stupid soccer league no one cares about

Or his lame ass trips to Louisiana

But I got him talking about his wife

His high school sweetheart

I said you are lucky to have her

You don’t want to be out dating now

The scene is a disaster for most guys

Literally better off hiring an escort which I why I was contpleating it

I found a 15x playmate who runs in the same circles

$800 a hour

I still haven’t decided

She is a pro and wouldn’t bring chaos, I already said no drama

Something I have never done but don’t know if I want to

Opening another pandoras box

I’ve opened them all

From heroin to heroines

The pros would be I know what I’m getting just like at my massage place

Or at the chiros

No games

Can chat then bang

Obviously no attachment or drama

But will it just feed the loop more?

The one I have worked so hard to break

Now I can just buy it and get it on demand

Could be the best thing for me or the worst

Like anything really

It’s cheaper than a girl in so many ways

Less time, less money, less wondering, less everything

But I am looking for connection now with everybody

If there was a light connection that may be good

It satisfies a need and I wouldn’t stop meeting girls in person and IRL

But alas

I am unsure which usually means don’t do it

Curiosity has killed the cat more than once in me

Light curiosity is okay but full blown is destructive

It is also part of the old life

I don’t know if I want to invite that in

2 weeks until I have been fully sober and doing this emotional work

I want nothing to do with the old life

Not because it’s all bad persay

But I’m tired of it

Bored of the chaos

Bored of the loops of insanity

I’m ready for more tangible shit

Models and bottles are for the birds

Until next time,

-BTSC