Between Lightning Strikes
The echoes of my old life bounce around my head ever so slightly now
Like a racquetball game coming to an end
I had quite a few wins this week that in the past would have been celebrated with champagne, women, and drugs
Besides officially being 10 weeks sober, my ankle has improved significantly
2 days ago I walked without a cane
Without a crutch so to speak
With real shoes on
Straight and tall
Head high
Relaxed and confident
I was going to my chiro
I chatted with my old doc down the hallway for a bit
Chatted with my modalities expert
We discussed the powerful red light machine they use on my foot and how most places do not have it
$30,000 to blow some hot air on your foot
It has a specific timer based on a tone of features from skin tone, to height, and weight
Only athletes usually get access to this machine
I thought it was just a useless red light machine when I first went
I also stopped icing the ankle entirely as that was slowly down the healing
I started focusing the healing to other areas like my neck
My head shakes due to my shoulder dislocation last year
Never knew why because I had so much going on I assumed the drugs had something to do with it
I do daily PT on that as well as weekly PT at chiro on that
I get an adjustment and a back and neck massage as well as the TENS Unit
It’s all very aligned with my emotional healing as I am much more focused on my body right now
Body, mind, and soul are connected
As my CNS relaxes and my body does too
So does my mind
So I’m less stressed emotionally, mentally and physically
My dentist could tell I was stressed as I was clenching my mouth and my mouth bled during the appointment more than usual
I had/have pre gingivitis
Your mouth is incredibly important to have clean as it is so close to the brain and also effects your heart
I go 3-4 times a year to the dentist as well as daily flossing, brushing, and anything else that might be required
At the end of my chiro visit there is this beautiful, kind, and calm blonde at the checkout
She is quite tall and has an funny sense of humor
I’ve always enjoyed her company but never did anything to engage her past this as I was engaged literally
I had been planting the seed last month talking about swimming
Apparently she swam in college and then gave lessons after
I was shocked at first
The next month when I saw her, I asked if she wanted to coach me and she said I’ll think about it
She was laughing much too often at my jokes the first time I saw her 6 weeks ago
I’m funny but I’m not that funny
She also is lightly intimidating
The first time I saw her I thought she was a little “doffy” or dumb
She isn’t
So this past visit I was checking out
I was about to just give up on asking and say I’ll do it next week
I said “Too bad your not swimming, I’m going between lightning strikes”
She smiled
“Where do you swim?” she asked
I said my building
I said it has a lane that no one uses and is the reason I live there
I checked out when the sun would be on the pool and the shade
I told her I was a little anal about it
Her face showed a little interest
Then I said we should swim sometime
She was smooth about getting my number
She said It’s right here in the system and texted me her name and a waving emoticon
I was talking about the payment saying “we all good”
She said Yep talking about the number exchange
I smiled lightly and said have a good weekend
The girls will be go easy on you when they like you
I texted her later that day “Gotcha. What’re you up to this weekend?”
No response
You know why folks?
I’ll tell ya why
My mom also goes there twice a week for traction due to 5 herniated discs from playing pro tennis
Top 100 in the world
People love her everywhere she goes
She is the best wingwoman of all time
What fucking luck fellas
Because she asked her about her busy weekend the week before taking care of her family pets while they were gone
She was exhausted from that and the week
My mom knows I have been pining about this girl
She is also smooth as butter
The girl doesn’t even know that she was figuring out what she was doing this weekend
The girl offered she was going home and sleeping even getting off early at 1
She didn’t want to text me that of course
It looks like she’s blowing me off or coming across as lazy
So she simply didn’t say anything back
Which I am glad because again the girls who like you aren’t going to try and hurt you or play a ton of games
I thought this was another game
Tired of games
I hate the game
I graduated from that years ago and used control and dominance and fear and manipulation to avoid it
The game is for losers yet you must still know the rules
Fuck PUA shit
Fuck all that noise
The Red pill has some decent stuff but fuck it in the ass too
I’m here to attract not chase
I’m here to be magnetic and myself
If people want to meet me here
Great
If not I don’t give a fuck at all
I like who I am and what I do
I like my alone time now
The demons of lust, greed, hendonism, boredom, guilt, and worry all whisper in my ears
I ignore them like the fruit flies I used to have
Who magically disappeared when the noise went down and I did nothing new
Much like my eye twitch mostly if not fully went away
Everything is connected in this world
EVERYTHING
No just the mind, body, and spirit
Literally everything
It moves through everything like a soft wind or current
Atoms never stop moving
This isn’t woo woo shit
It’s the universe speaking
My rewards now instead of human consumptions and distractions are peace of mind and control over my demons
They are much more manageable now
I got frustrated yesterday morning and it went away fast
I got angry last night throwing clothes at the wall, then it went away
It’s the echos of my old self screaming through saying where is the fucking action?
Let’s burn it all down
Hire an escort if you have to
Get some nitrous
Go to the club and snort coke off some girls tits
Fake and forced action
A girl invited me to a restaurant Thursday as well
Coincidence?
Don’t believe in those
I said no was elevating my ankle
Rejecting women?
Not rushing off to the fun?
That’s not fun for me anymore
It’s like outgrowing the ball pit as Chuck E Cheese
Never liked that shit anyway
Would want to piss in it if I got the chance
They took that away after Covid
Everything was taken after Covid
It gets me upset sometimes
But now I get everything I truly ever wanted especially my peace
I never liked the bars anyway
Not in college
Not here
Only if I had status and had a tribe there
It’s always about belonging to a tribe
That’s what I have always wanted
I can belong to a tribe now
The weak ass one that has been destroyed by another
Or I can make my own
Perhaps join another but I don’t see much of those except online
People in groups are retarded
People one on one are always better
I see people intermingle in other circles and dumb themselves down with Michelobs then by themselves at the pool they have water or a mixed drink in a Yeti
The building I am in is one of the high end ones in Houston
The people here are wildly successful
The women at the pool are all 9s and dimes
I like hanging around that energy whether I talk to anyone or not
This week it has been raining so I literally went between lightning
Only crazy person out there
Now that it’s a gorgeous day on Saturday
The people will come back
This is also why I am thinking of joining a country club
For the heated pool in the winter
Maybe find more people for the tribe
I go for the pool first though
My favorite activity in the world
Other wins this week:
A girl moved in next door
I decided to leave a note with a bottle of wine
A snoopy neighbor asked if I had left that wine
I said it’s for “them”
I knew a girl was just moving in
But that how that neighbor knew, she must have looked in the bag at the note
She is a annoying creature
Loud
I’d like to strangle her
That’s what I think about when I get mad
Strangling people to death
I was slammed up against a wall when I was young by my neck
Don’t even remember my dad doing it
He did it again when I was in my twenties after I mouthed off
He apologized right away
I put my hands around my girl last year after 15 drinks and xanax and her saying she wanted to have sex then trauma dumping the second time that week
I didn’t hurt her but did the same thing done to me and scared her to death
It was the worst thing I ever did
I immedietely knew I had done something wrong even though I was blacked out
I sorta came too
Woke up the next day with a huge feeling of regret
Would swim the dread away
We had so many points in our relationship that would have destroyed others
From an abortion, to a threesome, to me yelling her outta the apartment when I was supposed to go ask her Uncle for her hand in marriage
I was strung out out whippets, weed, and some booze
I couldn’t take the pressure
She seemed to be taking her time to leave
I went insane
That was really the beginning of the end
She barely had anything packed as I screamed her outta here dissociated beyond belief
Once she left I was totally fine
Except I wasn’t
I kept doing whippet after whippet
Getting my mom over here
She said my eyes were as black as the ace of spades
I calmed down after getting more whippets and watching It’s Always Sunny
My mom thought she may have to put me in the psyche ward
I had thought my old life was not real
That college had never happened
I would laugh then cry
How my ex and I lasted 3 years is beyond me
There was real love there
Well sort of
She cooked for us
I paid for things
We got along in the first year and a half
I showed her my world fully
We became co dependent
Not dealing with many friends or family
Stagnating
Dying
I was grieving my dead dad throughout the whole relationship
She had a ton of trauma from being adopted and tossed around like a football
The chaos, love, regret cycles kept piling up
I thought I’d be with her forever
Now I know that is not even close to possible
I’ve been working on myself through all of this as many of you know
I’m not even close to the same person
I’m more patient, less angry, no chaos, kinder
I gave a homeless guy $10 after the chiro
Used to hate them after one guy smoked crack with my brother
I yelled at him in the street the next time and broke him down to pieces while this other industry group tore each other down
The girl yelling “thank god your mom died you asshole”
I was with my best wing girl at the time
She was sober I was listening to those two fight as I yelled at that cocksucker
They both said awful things especially that girl
I used to hand out Vodka and tacos after this late night club to the homeless
I was like Jaded Jesus
So me giving $10 was a huge change of heart
Forgave the homeless
That new neighbor texted me days later thanking me for the note and wine
I said we should swim this weekend if she was down
She said she couldn’t but maybe some other time
Lots of wins with women
With men like the hobo and even my annoying chiro who talks about nonsense like his stupid soccer league no one cares about
Or his lame ass trips to Louisiana
But I got him talking about his wife
His high school sweetheart
I said you are lucky to have her
You don’t want to be out dating now
The scene is a disaster for most guys
Literally better off hiring an escort which I why I was contpleating it
I found a 15x playmate who runs in the same circles
$800 a hour
I still haven’t decided
She is a pro and wouldn’t bring chaos, I already said no drama
Something I have never done but don’t know if I want to
Opening another pandoras box
I’ve opened them all
From heroin to heroines
The pros would be I know what I’m getting just like at my massage place
Or at the chiros
No games
Can chat then bang
Obviously no attachment or drama
But will it just feed the loop more?
The one I have worked so hard to break
Now I can just buy it and get it on demand
Could be the best thing for me or the worst
Like anything really
It’s cheaper than a girl in so many ways
Less time, less money, less wondering, less everything
But I am looking for connection now with everybody
If there was a light connection that may be good
It satisfies a need and I wouldn’t stop meeting girls in person and IRL
But alas
I am unsure which usually means don’t do it
Curiosity has killed the cat more than once in me
Light curiosity is okay but full blown is destructive
It is also part of the old life
I don’t know if I want to invite that in
2 weeks until I have been fully sober and doing this emotional work
I want nothing to do with the old life
Not because it’s all bad persay
But I’m tired of it
Bored of the chaos
Bored of the loops of insanity
I’m ready for more tangible shit
Models and bottles are for the birds
Until next time,
-BTSC