At First I Thought I Lost Everything

Seems like I have processed years of trauma over the last couple of months

I started feeling much better yesterday

Calm, present, able to Jaws with ads, at my moms

All week I took care of my body

Less mental work as I have only written twice this week so far and one podcast

I tried hosting a spaces on Juneteenth but it was dead

Instead I had a massage, met with my psychiatrist for the first time in over a decade

He really understood my issues and even knew what rare disorder EoE was

He studied internal medicine in the 80s so people came to him when strange issues like that popped up

He said I should’ve come by back then

I told him that’s true, but I had so many doc appointments and just broken up with

Throat closing and doc after doc didn’t think he would even know what EoE was

Who tf does?

Took me a while to find a doc who did after so many tests

Then we got that under control and I don’t know what he would’ve given me for the panic back then

He’s very averse to prescribing benzos and has only given me 2 bars worth one time

That’s the only thing that helps with panic for me and most people

So maybe he would’ve but that’s in the past

Now he’s going to help me taper down

I told him I was on xanax that docs had prescribed and he doesn’t know I switched over to valium already

Didn’t want him asking too many questions about how I get all these meds

Didn’t want to come off as a drug seeker because I’m not

In the past I never even did that with docs because I knew one day I’d need them for actual help with meds

So I left out some details but the truth is I am ready to taper down to a longer acting drug like Valium

He was on board with everything but was concerned with combining the two and worsening sleep apnea

Sorta valid but its like let’s just get this going doc

I’ll tell him my original taper plan which I’ve stuck too

Swap out a morning xanax for valium and the best thing is I am already a month ahead

He knows to go very slowly with the taper and it was a great visit overall

Never go seeking drugs from docs btw

Like I said I have never done it before

Opting for friends scripts or pharmacies around the world

They can tell right away and if your desperate for even adderal or something they can red flag you in the system for your state

You can go around this with telemedicine but they are having some more restrictions in December because I’m sure people were abusing that as well

If you are going to abuse drugs, it’s better just to not

Even if you can get them from Mexico or Cambodia or wherever the fuck

Eventually the supply runs out or in my case it doesn’t and I can buy an unlimited supply of Mexican Xanax

A scary amount really

At least that way it doesn’t go through the American system and ruin it for people who actually need scripts

I mean some docs don’t mind prescribing benzos but as mine and I agreed it’s the new epidemic for opioids

They went from having those big pills mills and docs prescribing opioids for whatever in the mid 2000s, leaving it very difficult to get an opioid prescription for those that actually need it

I may have stolen my dads vicodin back in the day but would skim a few off the top

I even asked my mom at times for some

I had a source to buy some from and her buddy had a ton

But it still stressed her out and I think once I definitely took too many and I apologized this week

But also my dad was stealing some because I was like How Tf did all these disappear?

He would take a shitload because he had dementia or didn’t care or both

He didn’t realize he didn’t always get 120 a month or 90

He just wanted the pills

I knew which month and would plan accordingly

Plus he did have tramadol in case of withdrawal which those would help a ton especially with gabapentin

But my parents didn’t necessarily know

My mom didn’t even have a clue about drugs until she was like 50

She’s always been sober

She knows a lot more now but only from listening never research

She just always knew drinking/drugging was bad

And she wasn’t wrong

I even added stress by being stoned all the time and not doing the things I needed to do when I was younger and just getting mad

Anything for attention back then or to be left alone

Always felt like my brother had gotten all the attention and I was just the “difficult” child as she said

But I have forgiven them and myself

I want to apologize to her again her “I’m sorry for stressing you out when you had so much going on from the two dogs, to my dying father, to my brother, plus her 5 herniated discs”

She was like supermom

She really did the best she could and I could really be ungrateful

We have gotten so much closer over this

Back to my physical health

I also had the chiro this week

Told him my head shakes slightly from my shoulder dislocation last year

I’ve been doing neck rehab exercises at home and he really got in their and they focused on my neck in treatment and my ankle

Tens unit on my neck

Red hot laser on my ankle

Putting me back together

Then I’m starting to like the PT just like my mom always did

I always thought I would be more like my father

I wanted to and in some ways still do

But a more controlled version

He always looked powerful and in control

But a storm was always brewing on the inside

I used to hide that then it came out

Now I actually feel calm and controlled

My mom and I have more similarities now

I used to hate PT

Hate docs

Love bad food

Love drugs and drink

Now I am way more like her and she is wholesome and so is her family

She is tough as nails too after being born in South Africa her dad dying at 5 and her playing the tennis pro tour

We fought my whole life

I started kind of getting better with her in the past few years but never really there

Never understanding sobriety or why anyone would want to do that

Never understanding the discipline or growing from pain

Always wanted a pill or the easy way out like my father

When that always created a harder path

I wasn’t ready for this lifestyle then

I wanted the experience

That’s what you do in your 20s

Then you clean up the mess in your 30s

Every girl you sleep with can leave an emotional scar if you are coming from the wrong place

One night stands can be awful for everyone

Even short term 2 week relationships or girls with huge red flags leave their marks

Sleeping with a bunch of women will not leave you feeling satisfied at all

Some men sure but that likely isn’t you

Especially if you don’t have the experience

Casual dating isn’t just bad for women

It’s bad for men too

I mean most guys have only slept with 7 girls their entire lives

Thats the average though

Some are way lower or around there

A lot may get that in college or if they study game

Some get into the hundreds

But the emotional toll it can take on you

Women just disappearing

Cheating on their BFs with you and you may not even realize it until later

The 37 year old I dated had a sadness about her all the time

Was bitter too

I would only see her once a week

Heartiste wrote about exactly the 37 year old women

Had a special section

He nailed it

This guy doesn’t seem that happy or thrilled but he got to see female nature

He calls them vile creatures

Well if you believed that and slept with these “vile creatures” then you become one

For me I had no control over my urges

No control over drug usage at times

Eating etizolam like tic tacs blacked out for a month straight in my hi rise

Best friend has to call my mom like something is up with him

He’s eating to many of those research chemicals

I was annoyed at the time

Now I’m tired of having people worry about me

I’m tired of all that shit

They know I am changing

They don’t worry anymore

Thinking I’m inhaling 600 whippets that day

Popping drugs like tic tacs

Blowing down lines even though I don’t even like coke

I never really liked any of it

But it was all better than feeling certain feelings

I wanted pleasure and pain to be gone

I wanted to be able to just consume drugs without consequence

I don’t even know how I am alive

Mixing drugs for years

A decade really

The amount of pills I’ve eaten is insane especially benzos

The amount I have drank is insane too

The thing is I was always around heavy drinkers

That one was accepted by society

But I saw what it did to my dad combined with smoking and no exercise

Always this cognitive dissonance

But I couldn’t be alone with my thoughts

They would eat at me like cancer

I never thought I would make it here

Between my birthday last week

My brothers birthday today and my best friends birthday tomorrow

What could be better timing and a better birthday gift for us all

Even mothers day I gave her the gift of seeing her son again

Not the angry, upset at the world one

Upset at men and women alike

Wondering why me?

Lots of people have been in my shoes especially the misunderstood ADD types

You can either drown yourself in work, drugs, women, exercise, obsession, status

Eventually you will either lose your soul to that

Die

Or make a comeback that you could never even believe

It’s only been 9 weeks sober to the day

Almost 9 weeks of intense deep work

That’s not that long at all

I have abstained from women, drugs, nightlife, intense exercise, bad eating, obsession

With calmness, connection, presence, movement, planting seeds for the future

Never too worried about anything

Still have my moments though

Talking to girls but moving slow

Introducing booze in very low amounts one day

Maybe even hiring an escort, not from loneliness or desperation

But a way to view sex in a different way

Knowing it’s transactional just like my massage

Not chasing or falling head over heals

Simply satisfying a need if I want to

Nothing from a place of scarcity or thinking I need something

From money to excessive exercise to drug oblivion

The vultures are texting me right now

It must be Saturday

Remember that’s when they are bored

That’s when the demons come out to play

They want my attention because they can’t sit alone with their thoughts

Similar to how I used to feel

I feel bad but don’t envy them

They will not disturb my waugh ever again

If I want to sell them old paraphernalia or need some valium

That’s the extent of our relationship

Not to come “hang out”

Not to pretend like everything is fine

Or the old nightlife guys who say “Let me come through” and message, call, and send a message on IG

Or me engaging with nonsense like this huge day party yesterday/ fashion show

They drank themselves into oblivion and have to feel awful today

Saying things like “Ya I am cutting back on my drinking more to life than drinking and partying”

Then proceeding to go out 3 nights in a row

One night the next week

Then a 12 plus hour party in the extreme heat

Getting no where in life

Destroying their bodies and minds

Even the ones with successful businesses and have money

There is no forward movement

Even if some have families or gfs

They feel alone even around a ton of people

Or all week when they are alone at home

Quiet desperation

Unfulfilled

Chasing validation, women, drugs, booze

Even as they are in the 40s, 50s, and 60s

I know this as I had all that and woke up at 32

I have plenty of time

They know their lives are over

It’s sad to watch

Can’t do anything about it

At first I thought I lost everything

Now I for sure know I gained it all

Until next time,

-BTSC