A Hug From the Softest Angel

Everything has changed

I’ve never felt this way before

Not even when I was on heroin

We were told it was opium

A more socially accepted drug but not that evil word Heroin

Comes from the word Heroine

A female hero

Funny to look back and now its all Fent

A good thing for me or I would have snuffed it out by now

Opioids have always been my drug of choice

I also hated them the first time I had them after my shoulder surgery

They made me feel bleh

My first real drug though was Vicodin from the surgery

Hated it

Hated weed the first few times too

The only drug I liked was booze

But my dad was an alcoholic so I always proceeded with caution there

The first time I ever drank I had 5 Michelob ultras

Horrible tasting beer for sludge people

3 then got out of the car and went inside to the club that was rented out for our highschools

No teachers

No parents

Perfect

I noticed the buzz but knew there was something more to it

I said to my pals let’s go back to the car and drink more

I was 17 almost 18

I had two more

I went out of the car

And I felt like I was the king of the entire world

The buzz was perfect

I’ll never forget it

I went into the club and mingled with ease

Nothing like how I was usually wrapped up in my head

I fucked around for a bit

Then I went in to dance seemingly remebering you could just grind on girls

I went up to this one who was also drinking now that I think about it

I grinded on her and put my hand down her pants

She was receptive

My mind exploded as this was the first time I’d ever touched pussy before

She was highly receptive, grabbing my head, putting my hand down her pants more

She was wet and warm

I loved it more than her

I needed it

Eventually the song stopped breaking the momentum

Fine

I went back to my friend who was just standing there like the fat retard he is

I told him I just fingered that girl

“Wanna see me do it again?”

He’s like I guess

Loser

I went straight back up and did it again

I had unlocked superpowers I had never seen before

This is when I realized everyone was using alcohol as a crutch to crush their angst and diminish their inhibition

I had just seen my dad in the ER for DT’s and a whole host of health issues

I understood why he drank now

One day he asked me while reading

What do you think of your drunk, pill head father or something along those lines

I said I didn’t care which was the truth

The guy could’ve been smoking meth, boofing molly, and buttchugging everclear

I did not care

I loved him no matter

He and I were the same

I was his first born besides my half brother and sister who I don’t talk to anymore

He said I was the favorite (ofc he had a soft spot for my half sister but they were 15-18 years older with his first wife, Madam we called her)

OFC I WAS

I knew this always

He said that brother of yours is strange like my brother

Both our brothers are the smartest people we know

His was very odd

Mass amounts of trauma that I’ve never heard to this day

My brother in my eyes is the King of the World

How he has navigated it has blown my mind

He said he just did the opposite of what we did

Smart

My father has a super soft side like myself

We brought up a shield when others hurt us

We disugised our hurt with anger and aggression

He was the scariest person I’ve ever known

But I saw his soft side

Softer than the sweetest wool

Softer than a newborn baby

He would show me new mystery books he was reading and suggested some to me

I dove right in

I still read them every single day

He would read 4-5 hours a day plus the papers

Insane

After the hospital he couldn’t drink anymore, not by his choice he was ready to smoke and drink again

The docs and my mom were not hearing it

He snuck a couple by being extrmely sneaky

Hurting his relationship with is best female friend of 30 years

But his new drug of choice was Vicodin

Perfect

I loved Vicodin now

Would pop 30mg sometimes with tramadol and play some games

I went into work one day at this country club working in the gym

I had to move to the next room everyday

I had taken too much

I plopped down in the chair

Tried to played KOTOR

And kept passing in and out

The nod

Oh how I loved to nod

That’s what the real addicts liked

In and out of consicousness

A dream like state

Nobody bugged me that day

I was home from college doing therapy and it was working but I still went into work high most days

With opiates you can be doing nothing and having the best time

I’ve only recently learned how to do this sober

Yesterday, Tuesday, I had a few small wins

My hairs stood on the edge of my body, goosebumps

The euphoria

A sober high I had never quite felt to that degree

I started rapping

It kept the buzz going

And there was no crash

It felt just like laying down

Peace

How had I not discovered this before

I’m almost 32 years young

What tf have I been doing this whole time?

Idiot

I always coasted by waiting for the fun parts

Meanwhile the fun was always right THE FUCK there

I never had to look for it

Fool

The heroin made me feel good for up to 8 hours

We all figured out it was heroin

The vinegar smell, the potency had increased on the next batch

My buddy was getting all sorts of things from the Deep Web

He had the entire frat drugged out

He even had boner pills

He had it all

He would come over and we would snort heroin and nod

Put some show on with my best friend sitting there also partaking

Remember, we were all so impuslive and anything new was amazing

The ADD

Dying was a thought but this made us feel invincble

If we died who cared

Many were close including myself

Especially the night after popping 4 bars and then snorting Opana the next morning

It’s 2x stronger than heroin

It’s Oxy Morphine

It was too strong for me

Didn’t like the excessive euphoria similar to how Molly made you “happy”

I just got angry on molly most of the time

I hated anything that made me feel too happy or euphoric

Too fake it felt

But the right amount of heroin was perfect

An old lover holding you

A hug from the softest angel

My true love

Eventually it ran out as I knew it would

I wasn’t using daily but had withdrawal

Had to pop an oxy before finals to stop it

Ended up being done second because it took the pain from writing out of my wrist and I wrote an excellent piece for my English class

I would go on to start writing a book, but only under the influence of Vicodin

I couldn’t write without it

The pain was too strong

I ended up not liking nodding anymore and would just take 10-15 mg of my dad’s vicodin and then play a video game

Before if anyone interrupted my nod, I would lash out completely

Less mg meant less feeling like shit later or the next day too

I managed that for a year with minor withdrawal as the receptors were always used to something stronger but it gets worse everytime in some ways

You wake up depressed and clammy

High anxiety

Bad withdrawal you get the shits and everything hurts

What’s so fun is going from withdrawal to feeling better than you normally would

That’s why addicts do it

To be a shaky, sweaty mess on the toilet shitting your brains out

To a confident, euphoric specimen ready to take on anything and anyone

You don’t need people

You don’t need anything

You don’t have to connect you can control and conquer

Hitler was on up to 26 different drugs daily

Including meth and morphine

He took over the world

Almost

Those speeches he does are him on meth and wild

People will listen to people who have insane confidence

Chemical or otherwise

Delusional confidence can be good

Just deluding yourself completely isn’t

Now we have someone like Trump who is dead sober in the same position

Everyone has that confidence deep down

You had it as a kid

Until you starting questioning things

Until the world or people hurt you

Until social media fomoed you

Here’s how to unlock it

Grab social media and throw it out the window

It’s useless unless used to make money or meet women, or actually connect with people

Their opinions and lives don’t matter

What matters is what you like

What do you like to do if you were trapped in prison?

I like to write, read, podcast, play a game, connect with others, work on social dynamics, and swim or workout

Prison sounds like a dream

No girls to distract

Big dudes who are killers

Perfect

Now obviously that’s not where you want to be

If you can’t do what you like easily

If it doesn’t flow or it’s very costly

Then it’s not it

All that stuff I listed is free

They even have public pools as shite as they may be

You never needed materials as the world said you did

You don’t need women

You don’t need validation

You need genuine connections

You may want to connect with a girl

You may want to connect with a guy

But you don’t need to force it

You just need to attract simply by staying where you are

That stupid device called your phone that most people just consume tik tok or play games on

Pick it up and call somebody

Message somebody

It’s fucking easy

You could have a girl come over and chat

Not even leave the couch and talk about the most insane shit ever

Then if you bang that’s just the cherry on top

Not the goal

Fucking the wrong girls leaves you empty and soulless

Girls are Drugs

You release the same chemicals as heroin

I was doing it for a week straight then went to fly and see my GF

I had 0 withdrawal

I was scared I was gonna be a mess after a week straight

She gave me the exact same chemicals that were free

Now I always had a much easier time getting all sorts of different drugs 10x faster than a girl

You didn’t have to rely on the girl

Extremely unreliable creatures

The dealers can be unreliable but you will eventually get it

Now if you used to drugs as a cherry on top or to discover something about you

They are powerful tools

I still wouldn’t suggest it

I’m going to suggest you don’t chase women for the same thing

A warm wet whole that may give you incurable STDS

She will be gone the next day half the time

The ones you connect with can be gone at any time, even through no fault of their own

Money, drugs, girls, power, validation, anything can be a black hole if you let it

There is no rock bottom

There is death or life

Most people are already dead

Just look around

Choose life because one day you will be dead forever

Never remembered again

And if you live a life

It will be the sweetest gift you could ever receive

Until next time,

-BTSC