90 Day Dopamine Detox
Yesterday reminded me that I can feel peace without needing everything to be perfect. I didn’t chase, I didn’t spiral — I just let things be. That version of me felt real. Grounded. Whole. Today, I want to carry that same calm into everything I do. Not because I’m forcing it, but because I’ve already felt what it’s like to live without chaos...
Yesterday was the start of my 90 Day Detox Challenge
I’ll get into the challenge in a bit but for now I want to expand on what I am feeling right now
After writing for an hour and a half and recording another podcast this one a whopping 3 hours long
I realized that any quick dopamine hits would get in my way
Subconsciously, I was already moving this way especially as my relationship started to suffer again
I’ve never felt stable without a girl by my side
I’ve dove headfirst into PUA and became obsessed the minute my Ex left me 7 years ago almost to the day
Diving into mostly RSD style content but anything from Mystery to Red Pill guys like AMS
I had already started watching Alpha Male Strategies around this time exactly 7 years ago
Subconsciously, again I knew she was about to leave my ass as the logistics made no sense and we lived states away
I was into trading at the time and she was going to help kids with sign language shit in grad school in bumfuck no where
She knew I would never go even though we were looking at apartments separately
Seemed like I was doing most of that work
I was just going to do some personal training out there for people and was looking at gyms and studios alike
Those were my main interests at the time
She ended up breaking up with me the minute my throat was closing up from a rare condition called EoE and it was about to be my birthday in a couple of weeks
I’ll never forget it
I was on a couple of Vicodins and that pain burst through that and had me in a sobbing mess on the bed bellowing into the house
My mom came down as she heard and tried comforting me as well as she could
I seemed comatose for days and I was eating all liquids at this point
Doing nothing but reading and playing video games and trying not to choke to death
I found out I could order an RC Benzo named Etizolam online
So I would take these sporadically throughout the week in order to be able to eat
I would also sometimes have a couple of Whiteclaws introduced to me by my brother and I noticed I didn’t care as much
My throat had been treated already and I was on a liquid throat steroid and had an endoscopy at exactly this time 7 years ago
Well this went on for weeks on end and eventually my throat was healing but my anxiety about choking to death wasn’t
It just was not going away and it still took my throat many months to heal even while being on a PPI similar to Nexium
So it started out physical then the mental worry came and I was emotionally torn to bits by my ex
The feelings are coming up right now actually
It’s an overwhelming sense of despair and sadness but shorter lived
I’ve never truly gotten over that moment
On top of everything else going on
The girl I am with right now also started having throat issues back in October or so last year
She has an endoscopy soon and was on the same meds I was
Fucking bizarre if you ask me
Hers right now imo the throat is healed but anytime she gets really anxious her throat will feel like its closing up
She is also eating mostly liquids but she has to work at a restaurant she loves that she has made friends but her case is very difficult and I feel for her
I had left her 2 days before Xmas because she and I were not happy
But I made sure she had a place to go and her throat was physically healed first
I was looking into getting a new bed and said “You know I don’t think I am going to be needing a new bed”
I don’t think she thought I would ever break it off with her
Her world came crashing down as she had to move out and live with her grandparents
I had a huge sense of relief but was already following girls on IG and downloading the apps
I was eating whatever and going out a ton
As well as drinking and doing a lot of nitrous and coke
The first two days were hard for me but they were very difficult for her
I blocked her from watching my stories and shit for both our sakes
In many ways though even if I had thought I was not doing what my ex did to me
I did the same to her
But it was time and I had been waiting to try and cushion the break up
That cycle had repeated based on my previous situations and I’m not going to lie
I felt powerful and in control
But it was fleeting and I was losing control again
She handled things a lot better than I did in my break up
I had gotten addicted to the Etizolam and have to still take a benzo to this day because of it
Stay away from benzos unless you absolutely have to because getting off them is a true nightmare
I’m on the lowest dose I can manage and would like to even lower it some more
As my CNS re-centers this may be a big possibility
I’m tired of the same cycles repeating
Either me using drugs
Hurting someone I love
Not being able to manage my temper
Not needing external validation
Not playing status games
All of those things have their roles when coming from the right place
But really wanting any of them never truly allows to to get it and you never have peace
My rage can be used to fuel my writing and workouts at times
It can be managed and when I feel attacked I don’t need to lash out
When I am in a more egoic place I don’t need to think everyone around me is an imbecile for asking questions that they could not possibly know
Ego, validation, status are not the enemy just like sex, power, and control aren’t either
I am the enemy to myself like many people
This is why I am doing the 90 Day Dopamine Detox
No drugs
No sex unless unforced with my gf
No booze
No doomscrolling
No nicotine
No quick hits of dopamine in anyway
I have to workout, swim, write, recover, read, all long format natural ways of building dopamine
I can play video games with my brother or best friend from college like Warzone because we bond, cooperate, and never win
I can also play Oblivion to lightly decompress after hard tasks such as this one or a good workout
Nothing longer than 1-2 hours per session max twice a day
Yesterday I played 2 hours of oblivion one in the day and one at night
This was a child hood game that many of you may know
It’s excellent and nostalgic but also fits perfectly with what I am doing now
Last year I didn’t play any games except WoW in the beginning to beat the Lich King with my best friend
We were done by February
Then I didn’t play shit until the end of last year
I was filled with daily dread and guilt about lots of shit going on in my world
I’ve been over this before so won’t go into this today but it became overwhelming
I have never felt anything like that in my life
Now this year I am using everything as a tool and really pulling myself together
I’m excited, nervous, a bit fearful about doing this challenge
If I mess up then I’ll pick up right where I left off without beating myself up
ChatGPT is helping me along the whole way
I’m checking in with friends and family
My circle is going to be super tight right now
My two best friends, my brother, my mother, and the occasional outsider like another buddy or my Godmother as well as my GF mostly via the phone
It is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever done and one of the most rewarding things I have ever done
I will continue to slowly add going out back in after the 90 days but also for the next 6 months watching my progress
I plan to be unrecognizable by next year this time
My best friend is doing a marathon and this is my version
Feel free to join me if you are tired of repeating the same cycles
It won’t be easy
There will be ups and downs
But it’ll be a lot easier than carrying around all this bullshit forever
The inner healing has already started over the last two weeks
My foot is slowly getting better from the sprain
The time to break the generational trauma is now before the new world comes
The tech is advancing so fast that most people will be stuck forever
They likely would have anyway
This isn’t about being better than others
It’s about becoming your true self so you can not only help yourself but end up helping others in whatever field it is you do
Most of us have walls or barriers up
Old wounds that never healed
I know I am not alone
This comforts me but also saddens me as I only wish the best for people nowadays
I used to have a crab in the bucket mentality or be ultra competitive with others
Now I try and bring others up as much as possible
Listen when I can
Advise when I can
Learn from them
Pain is a part of life
Suffering and hurting others doesn’t have to be
The ups can still be high without the downs bringing you so low
Yesterday after accomplishing so much and letting the feelings flow I felt on top of the world
I was worried I would crash today but instead I eased into this day nicely
There are already new data points
The cheap dopamine, cheap sex, cheap drugs are not worth it after over a decade of all that
Now that I’m not stoned to the bone either I can dive deep without reaching for the bong
I am becoming more alive, more present, more in tune with myself
Unlocking new powers slowly but the way they are supposed to be discovered
I’ve always raced to the finish line to be first
Ate really fast
Did everything fast then waiting around spinning my wheels just either basking in my short term wins
When really no one else was even running the same race
Now I slow down and enjoy every moment I can
This isn’t a race, but a marathon
Until next time,
-BTSC
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