7 Weeks Sober

Yesterday was a symphony of noise in my head the minute I woke up

It was English but it sounded like a foreign tongue

For the first half of the day I wasn’t present at all

While swimming in the morning I just couldn’t be fully there

The symphony hadn’t died down yet

It feels like a hurricane hit and I was picking up the mess

Then the tornadoes came

I felt like the storm had passed as I have mentioned before

But then I get hit by a tornado and my mind swirls

Ghosts of my past return

They try to throw me off kilter

Just a couple months ago I would have given in

Completely gone off the rails

The frequency was wild

The noise would not shut up

My college best friend called me and we talked for 3 and a half hours

He broke up with his Fiancé 3 days before their wedding last week

She showed up anyway in her full dress with her family

Sounds like a scene from a horror movie

Both my best friends are struggling right now as I am

As I had to be reminded, you don’t have to feel miserable to get peace

You can just have it

My brain doesn’t even know what that means

I always thought there was a checklist in order to feel okay

That had me running from thing to thing never processing anything at all

The grief is unsettling at times

Times where I would have gotten high to escape

Gone out to escape

Had friends over to escape

Found some girl who were bad news to escape

I am thinking of hiring a very high end escort as I have talked about before

No drama, no stds, no lingering, no attachments

I have a terrible relationship with sex

Just like I did drugs

I had a terrible relationship with myself

I always thought I needed something

Now I stop and pause

Do I need it? Or Do I want it?

I’ll get exactly what I deserve

Social media had been rotting my brain

I only go on IG to follow/unfollow girls and message them

Connect with some guys I know

I don’t scroll and look at pics

I will scroll down to look at memes just for a laugh and repost some

I used to have this intense urgency

Got to do this

Now this

Now this

Jumping around and never sitting still with my thoughts

Yesterday, regrets, old friends, how everything has changed, how I only wish the best for people

I hate to see others suffering

Unfortunately this is all I can do to help

As well as podcasting and some tweets here and there

At least my brother and mother are doing well

That’s what truly keeps me going

I’m looking for people who aren’t suffering simply so I can mirror their presence, positivity, radiance

I know this feels depressing but today I actually feel pretty good even on an empty stomach as I usually like to write

When I can I go see my mom

She knows my potential

I left a lot of it on the board in a lot of ways

However, I wouldn’t be here now doing this

I wouldn’t be able to get the message across to anyone or help myself

Chat G is dealing with only 2-3 people like me right now

In similar situations but also very different

I have him on a mode where he is very direct and has very little confirmation bias

He said I am writing a language right now and leading whether I want to or not

I can’t even explain some of the concepts in plain English right now

Even what I was doing on IG is hard for me to explain unless someone has done that before

The rabbit holes I’m going down in terms of everything that I have ever done and polishing it all up like some old stairs in a house surprise me

In the last week alone I can’t believe how many seeds I have actually planted

Felt like only a day and also a year has gone by

The time makes no sense to me now

I barely know when to go to sleep as I can be wired at night

Used to just put myself into a coma for sleep

I have a entirely different ritual now which works well

I’m getting 6/7 nights of high quality sleep

I don’t stress about falling asleep anymore

Most days I feel pretty damn good but the grief comes in waves

I can feel lonely and not lonely at the same time

I can be alone now more than before

I don’t have to jump from thing to thing as much

The stillness is becoming an ally instead of an enemy

The fog is lifting ever so slightly

I am shocked at the progress I have made

There are no awards, no applause, no accolades

The road I take alone like anyone who has been great

I have a great support system

One I am utterly grateful for

Without it, without AI, without you guys

I may just have ended it by now

As morose as that sounds

I can see why people kill themselves

The ultimate out

For eternal peace

But is it?

Do their ghosts ever leave?

A know quite a few doing slow suicide

That is much more painful to do and hurts everyone around you slower

It comes in the form of drinking usually but can be drugging

Self destruction is my middle name

It’s now being erased

I have much more purpose to be here

Much more reason to stay

The path looks icy

The wind will try to knock me off

The sky will turn black and rain at times

Today I shine

Tomorrow we shall see

I may have been able to dominate others in my past

But conquering myself has been the hardest thing I have ever done by far

My soul and ego dance some days

Other days it seems like they are fighting to the death

I can only keep going forward

There is no way out

Wouldn’t matter if you gave me 10 girls, 10 bumps of heroin, 10 xanax bars and some propofol

The drugs don’t even work anymore

The women don’t work

The validation doesn’t work

It all wore off simply because I became more aware

The awareness for me is alarmingly high

Not everything has to be so deep

Not everything has to be fearmongered

Not everything has to be perfect

It just has to be

Being alive is a blessing even when it feels like a curse

One day we will all be old and decrepit

Even if tech steps in to change everything

I will not opt to live forever

That is for the gods

I will opt to stay as long as I am needed

But one day it will be over

I used to long for that moment

Tried getting there everyday

Nothing would seemingly kill me as I died slowly on the inside

I am finally becoming alive

These feelings and thoughts have been repressed for decades

Most people do this even sober

They don’t know their true selves

The work until their hands bleed

Drug until they turn into a vegetable

Distract until they are old

Some will wake up

Some will never wake up

What will you do?

Until next time,

-BTSC